Joy to You & Me
and Joy2MeU Update
As I was waking up this morning (4/10/08) I was thinking that
I needed to get this Update Newsletter done and that it looked like tomorrow,
the 11th was the soonest I could get it out. Then it hit me that this
was April and I had to get my taxes done by the 15th. Talk about a
rude awakening! Not that I didn't realize that it was April or anything.
It has just been a busy time. Last Thursday I started a class at the
local Spiritual Center - a Religious Science Church - that I attend.
Last Saturday I had an Intensive workshop. And I had originally been
shooting to get this Update posted and the announcements sent out by the 6th
(I always make changes to the site the day after an Intensive to change the
pricing of the next Intensive and add the latest testimonials) - but that
wasn't possible, so have been working on it when I can find a few minutes
here and there. Unfortunately some place along the way, I lost the sense
of urgency to get my taxes done. There will be some sleepless nights
coming up in the next few days.;-)
One piece of very exciting news that I have to share in this
Update is that I will be offering my Intensive Training Day workshop on a
week long cruise of the Caribbean
in December. Not only will this give Susan and Darien (they have
supervised children's programs on board) and I a chance to take a luxurious
vacation at sea, but also offers an opportunity to participants in the workshop
- that I believe almost all of the people who have attended it already would
have loved to have had available. That is the opportunity to do a 3
hour follow up session 2 days after attending the Intensive.
People who have attended the Intensive have been overwhelmingly
grateful for the information that I shared with them in the workshop - and
have validated that it was a life changing experience - but by the end of
the day most of them have also been a little overwhelmed at the depth and
breadth of what they have learned. It is common at the end of the day for
people to be at a loss for any questions to ask - because they haven't really
had time to process the information. I believe that having a couple
days to process and the chance to come back 2 days later to ask for further
clarification will be invaluable to the people who decide to participate.
People on the East Coast especially have been asking when I
would do an Intensive back there. Well, this cruise - which leaves from
Fort Lauderdale - is the best I can do to make the Intensive available this
year to people on the East Coast and in the South (and it sure would make
a nice break for people in other parts of the country.;-) The prices
start from a ridiculously low $495 for the 8 days, 7 nights tour on a luxurious
cruise ship. And I am going to price the Intensive at a very low rate
- with the price for early registration being almost nothing given what else
you receive for being willing to commit early. Hopefully this will
give me a chance to meet a lot of you that have found my writing helpful
in your lives - and allow many more people to experience my Intensive workshop.
The last few paragraphs - about the cruise - are ones I wrote
quite awhile back in the course of designing the page for that cruise.
What I said above about people not having time to process what they had experienced
on the day of the Intensive was really illustrated in an e-mail I got yesterday
from one of the participants from last Saturday, that started out saying that
what she wrote on Saturday on the feedback page had been woefully inadequate.
The timing of receiving it was so perfect (and it was quite long;-)
that I created a page for this testimonial by itself - and linked it on the Intensive
Testimonial page. Probably part of the reason that the
testimonials on that page are pretty short is because they are written quickly
at the end of a long day - but they are still pretty impressive and gratifying.
The next 3 dates for Intensives are all in the middle of 3 day weekends to
make it easier for people who are traveling from out of state: May 25th, July
5th and August 31st.
Oh, and I have added a newer, more up to date picture of me
on the Intensive Training Day page.
In the December Update I used the Newsletter portion for transcripts
of the messages I have been sending to the people on my Yahoo mailing list
who have signed up to get more frequent updates on what is happening then
these Update Newsletters - which I am only doing about 3 times a year now.
In this one, I am going to include below this table just some short excerpts
from those postings (which have gotten quite long at times.) And below
that I am going to include some excerpts from various pages of my personal
processing in which I was in agony about
a relationship. So often, when people are in what I call the abyss
- that place where we feel hopeless and helpless and full of shame and pain
- they feel like there is no hope and that no one else has ever felt the
agony that they are feeling. I am hoping these excerpts will help anyone
who is going through the agony of a heartbreak to get a little bit better
perspective on the experience so that they can not give so much power to
the relationship addiction feelings that come up.
And I will conclude this upper update portion with some paragraphs
from one of my e-mail postings about another page that I made changes to since
the last Update.
"I also did some redesign of my Donations page to make it easier
for people to get to the links for making donations. I separated my writing
on Metaphysical Law: Giving
and Receiving (which includes sharing about the history of publishing
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls) into a separate page.
I did the redesign not only so people could get to the donation
links without having to read through a lot of text, but also to make it clear
that I am still sending something back to people who do make a donation
- including subscriptions to Dancing in Light, the Joy2Meu Journal, bound copies of the Inner Child Healing
e-book that is one of the handouts for my Intensive (and not something I sell
anywhere), and even an invitation as my guest to an Intensive for a donation of a certain
amount (that is cheaper than paying directly for the Intensive.)
I was able to bring back enough from Ibiza to pay the rent
but we are still scrambling just to keep the utilities connected with different
deadlines every week. One of the nice things about working on my Testimonials
page is that it reminds me how much my work has benefited others and how much
pleasure and fulfillment has come from sharing my journey - and that even
though it sometimes feels like the Universe isn't supporting me very well
financially, it has been an amazing, fascinating adventure that has been
well worth it. Needless to say, Donations
to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes are always appreciated."
And speaking of Ibiza, the workshop there went great - but
the travel was tough (as I shared with my yahoo e-mail list.) And speaking
of the Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes, any would be very greatly appreciated
right at this time.
Additions to the web site since the December 2007 Update include:
Announcing a Intensive Training Day
workshop and more on a week long Caribbean Cruise that departs Fort Lauderdale
on December 13.
Announcements that Intensive Training Days
are scheduled for San Diego on May 25th, July 5th, and August 31st - and I
added a newer, more up to date picture of me to that page.
New testimonials for the Intensive
in January, February, and April on the Intensive Testimonial page
- including a long one with it's own page
A new batch of wonderful Testimonials for the book, tapes, and web site.
The Donations page has been reorganized - Donations to the
cause / Spiritual Tithes / Love offerings are always appreciated.
Some new testimonials added to
the Telephone counseling testimonial
Links to past Update Newsletters
for the Joy2MeU site (launched February 4, 1999) can be found on the Information index page. - and also at the
bottom of the site index page.
Links to the Newsletters of my original Joy to You & Me web site (launched
February 28, 1998) can be found on the Joy to You &
Me page which list pages from that site not moved to Joy2MeU.
Here are some excerpts from the messages I
have posted to my e-mailing list on Yahoo. To sign up go to Joy_2_Me_U
Sun Jan 6, 2008 3:37 pm
Happy New Year to all my Kindred Spirits! ;-) . . . . One of my phone clients
the other day, referred to finding my site as a Google miracle. I like it.;-)
I announced a new Intensive Date for May 25th - Memorial Day weekend
- . . . . . Christmas was a lot of fun this year because 3 year old Darien
was old enough to really enjoy it. He is such a sweet good kid - such a
happy, exuberant kid. It is a privilege and an honor to be in partnership
with Susan in providing this beautiful little soul with a safe environment
to grow up in. It is a great blessing in my life to have him - and her -
in my life. . . . . Here is to more courage, willingness, and miracles in
Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:59 pm
It is a rainy day in Southern California. . . . . . I am going to be the
Speaker at a CoDA Speaker meeting on the Central Coast on February 11th -
so that gives us a good excuse to make a trip up there. We haven't been
up there since we evacuated for the fires in October. . . . . . there was
a screw up with ATT about the bill for my Cambria number. . . . . The phone
number up there is always one I really liked - the number itself - because
it had a lot of 7's in it. 927-7107. It is the number that is published
in my book - and one I wanted to hold onto because of that, but also because
deep down I do hope to be able to be living back up there some day. . . .
. I am not sure yet when the rent for February is going to manifest - so
paying money to get that phone hooked up again falls in the luxury category
right now. . . . . . . January the 23rd marked the 3rd anniversary since
Susan and I met. A record for me for sure. . . . . I mentioned in my
August Update last year that I had just recently realized that he (Darien) and I had a powerful Karmic / Soul connection.
. . . . . Our concern and love for Darien got us through many rough passages
in our relationship. . . . . . Susan and I are learning a great deal from
each other - and the common ground of our love for Darien is helping our love
Speaking of Darien, I have mentioned several times previously without
explaining what the problem was . . . . . that one of the financial stressors
has to do with Darien's teeth. . . . . Remember to stop and smell the flowers,
to be grateful for all the gifts in your life at this moment. Remember
to allow yourself some time to be in Joy.
Tue Feb 26, 2008 2:24 pm
I am off to Spain on Thursday morning - very early - for my workshops on
Ibiza. . . . . . A 3 year old who is now potty trained by the way.;-) It is
fascinating to watch him start to learn how to control his body. He is such
a cool little man. . . . . Then he came over to me and said, "Stay home papa."
I guess it is a good thing I will be leaving very early in the morning while
he is asleep. I am getting all choked up and teary right now just thinking
about say good-bye to him. Good thing I don't have to. . . . . So, I will
be announcing details about this workshop at sea in an Update Newsletter in
March. (Obviously didn't happen until now.) .
. . . . I finished updating the copyright notice on all of my content pages
- and there are over 200. That is not counting the information pages, or purchasing
pages, or the Update Newsletters (which have a ton of content themselves)
- and of course doesn't count the pages in the password protected parts of
the site, The Joy2MeU Journal and Dancing in Light. That is over 200 pages
of just web articles on Joy2MeU. . . . . Well, I need to get back to packing
and figuring out what all I need to do before I leave. Hope you are being
kind and Loving to your self today.;-)
Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:13 am
The great news is that we were able to get Darien's teeth fixed. Hurrah!!!
. . . . . It was very scary to have them give him the medication and then
to have to wait 3 hours until they were done. I did a lot of pacing. . . .
Now he looks in my mouth (I need some major work done, which the money will
hopefully manifest for before it becomes an emergency situation) and says,
"Papa has broken teeth." And then his face will light up and he will say,
"My teeth all fixed." He just lights up with Joy any time he remembers that
he doesn't have "broken teeth" any more.
The workshops in Ibiza went great. We had 30 some people each day.
The travel was hard. On the Monday coming back, I was in Airports and Airplanes
for over 24 hours (gained 9 hours on the way.) It took me a week to recover
from the jet lag or sleep disruption or whatever. . . . . (excerpt above) . . . . I hope you all have something
in your life that is as great a reminder to be in the moment and feel the
Joy as Darien when he smiles about his teeth being fixed.;-)
Deprivation issues drive relationship addiction behavior
I have recently been working with a few people who were dealing with
relationship addiction issues - and hearing about quite a few others.
All of us have a desperately needy, desperately lonely age of the inner child
that was deprived of appropriate emotional and physical needs. It is
that young child part of us that feels like it is life threatening when we
don't hear from the other person and wants to send numerous text messages
or e-mails or call the other. I described this Deprived, wounded, lonely
child in my article The Inner Children that need Boundaries.
"Desperately needy, clingy, wants to be rescued and taken
care of, doesn't want to set boundaries for fear of being abandoned - very
important to own, nurture, and Love this part of ourselves because relating
to this part of our self out of either extreme can be disastrous.
Codependency is doubly traumatic. We were deprived in childhood
and then our ego adapted a codependent defense system that caused us to
be deprived as adults. So, we have deprivation issues from our adult
life as well as from our childhood.
Allowing this desperate neediness to come out in our adult relationships
can drive someone away pretty fast - no one outside of us can meet the desperate
needs of this child. We can love this part out of the Loving compassionate
adult in us and keep those needs from surfacing at inappropriate times by
owning how wounded this part of us is and taking steps to validate and nurture
this inner child.
Not owning that part of us can be just as damaging - being terrified
of letting ourselves feel the woundedness and neediness of this part of
our self can cause us to shut down our ability to be vulnerable and open
to emotional intimacy. If we cannot own how deprived we were emotionally
as children and instead try to keep this part of us shut away we cannot Truly
open our heart and be vulnerable as an adult. People who tend to be
counterdependent and can't stand being around needy people are terrified
of the needy part of themselves - and because of that will keep picking emotionally
unavailable people to be in relationship with, or will run away if someone
is emotionally available because it will feel like neediness to them.
When this emotional deprivation is associated with a teenager within
us it can cause us to act out sexually to try to get this emotional neediness
met. The fact that we have in the past acted out sexually in ways that
we are ashamed of - or found ourselves very needy, vulnerable, and powerless
to suppress the emotional neediness in sexually intimate relationships -
can cause us to shut down to our sensuality and sexuality out of fear the
loss of control we experienced in the past." - The Inner Children that need Boundaries
"My thinking, in relationship to a relationship, is much
healthier and more balanced than it used to be - but it still tends towards
the extremes within the spectrum of what is possible. It feels more
natural for me to completely let go of the idea of having a romantic relationship
or to think in terms of what it is going to be like when we are living together
then to think in terms of getting to know someone gradually. Kind
of like, either pretend the water isn't there, or dive into the deep end
without looking first to see what may be just under the surface.
It is easier for me emotionally to not even consider going
in the water than to gradually ease myself into the shallow water - because
if I am even looking at the water it gets me in touch with grief about being
alone. The abyss of wish-to-die pain and desperate loneliness from my
childhood - the deprivation issues that I spent so much of my life either
denying or allowing to run my life - do not have anywhere near the power they
used to because of the healing I have done. It is relatively easy now
for me to separate out the childhood feelings of loneliness - and they do
not any longer have a life threatening feeling of desperation to them.
But I also have been very deprived in my adult life - of Love, companionship,
affection, touch, sexual fulfillment, etc. - because of the patterns caused
by my fear of intimacy. So the grief around those deprivation issues
still has some power because the deprivation is still happening." - Emotional
Honesty and Emotional Responsibility part 4: Discernment in relationship
to emotional honesty and responsibility 1
I wrote my series of articles on Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility
in 2001. When I wrote the above paragraph it was true that the healing
I had already done on my deprivations issues had taken a lot of power away
from those issues - but there was a lot more healing to be done on them
(as you will see in the excerpts below.) I was at that time, actually
in the middle of a 4 year period of not being in any relationship because
my fear of intimacy still had so much power.
Last year In my March 2007 Update Newsletter I got into processing
about my fear of intimacy issues. That resulted in an additional page
of processing in which I shared a Personal History in relationship to fear
of intimacy issues. It was an update of the previous time I had
shared about those issues in August 2004 - and included my realization that the terror of intimacy defenses that were defending
my heart were so powerful, that it was necessary for the Universe to guide
me into the delusion that the person I got involved with in 2004 was my twin
If I had not gone through the agony that I did in 2004 to take more power
away from those deprivation issues and remove some of the blocks - that
my fear of intimacy defense had erected to keep me out of relationships -
I would not be in the relationship I am in now. So, I wanted to share
some excerpts from places in my writing where I was dealing with these issues,
in the hopes that it might be helpful to anyone out there who has recently,
or is, experiencing this kind of experience. It is kind of embarrassing
to reread these for me - but important to not buy into the shame and judgment
the critical parent voice wants to beat me up with about them. It is
so important to not blame ourselves for our own wounding and deprivation.
It was not our fault that we were wounded and deprived in childhood - nor
is it our fault that we were powerless to keep from acting out as adults.
Blaming and shaming ourselves just feeds the relationship addiction.
We need to learn to have compassion for ourselves - and recognize that the
power those issues have is directly related to how much we were wounded and
"While writing my March Update - in the midst of what
I call one of my "writing frenzies" where I was processing through and trying
to understand some of the crazy and insane stuff that was happening in my
life during the very accelerated time of transformation in March - I kept
vacillating between whether what I was writing was okay to share in my Update
Newsletter or if it belonged in my journal. . . . (That
March 2004 Update
- with 2 extra Newsletter pages - included discussion of some levels of metaphysics
- and involved some very intimate personal emotional processing - of the kind
that I have most often confined to my personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal.)
. . . . . I was amazed at how many people wrote me to tell
me that what I had written in the March Update was similar to something that
was going on in their lives. It seems that maybe the insanity that
I was experiencing is happening in the collective consciousness of old souls
on a planetary basis. And as I said in the note I added to Dance 32
in May, it was a reminder to me once again to write what I need to for myself
and trust the process. . . . .
. . . . . So, I am going to wrap up this Update now. But
first I am going to make a declaration about my future and the direction that
I am heading in. I am actually going to repeat a declaration I first
made in my November 1988 Update. The day after I published that Update
I met the woman who I had the Adventure in Romance with in December of 1988.
(Who showed up in the matches sent to me on Match.com last week - my Higher
Power's cute sense of humor again.;)
I then repeated this declaration in my November 2002 Update.
That was followed by a relationship experience in the Spring of 2003.
It was a long distance relationship that included two short visits by the
woman to Cambria - and was about 95% fantasy and 5 % relationship. (As opposed to the relationship in 2004 with my "twin soul"
delusion, which was about 80% fantasy and 20% reality.)" - Update on
My Fear of Intimacy - an addendum to the Joy2MeU March 2007 Update
Hopefully, some of you will find this helpful in forgiving your self
so that you can be open to crating healthier relationship opportunities in
some excerpts from processing about relationship
From An Adventure in Romance
- Loving and Losing Successfully 1999
"Is she my Twin Soul? Or an Angel sent by my Twin
Soul to prepare me for our reunion. Will it happen in this lifetime?
Or the next?
I don't get to know right now. I just know that I have to
Let Go. And Let Go - and Let Go again.
I told her good-bye. I told her that I could not be in her
life anymore as long as she was running from her issues and punishing me as
a symbol for all of the sins of unkind men.
And now I cry every day.
The pain is primal - cellular. The sobs come from someplace
so deep as to be ancient. I can't write a line without sobs bursting
forth from my heart chakra - such an old wound, such a deep trauma.
But is it about the woman I have just told good-bye or has that
woman touched off the old grief for "Her" - Is she Her??
More will be revealed. I just have to Let Go and Let Go and
Let Go some more.
And I cry every day - and the Joy is right behind the pain because
I have never felt SO CLOSE TO HOME!!!"
Romantic Relationship 2003 (the one that was
95% fantasy and 5 % relationship)
In my December
2003 Update I included some excerpts from my Journal as part of an explanation
of the process of Letting Go.
"The grief is right near the surface. All I have to
do is consciously breathe into it, and the sobbing starts coming, the tears
This is another excerpt from that same journal installment:
What comes out of my mouth is, "I don't want to lose her."
Sobbing. Crying. Hurting.
And then I tell myself, this can't all be about her. All
this grief is not about the possibility of losing this specific person.
I need to separate out the levels here. The intuitive message I have
gotten for years, what I tell the people I am working with, is that, about
20% of what we are feeling in a moment of intense grief is about what is
happening now - and about 80% of it is unresolved grief from the past.
This doesn't feel like childhood grief though. I am sure
some of it is connected to issues from my childhood, some of it is childhood
wounds being triggered - but this doesn't feel like inner child wounds.
And then I get it. This is adult grief about being alone.
This is about how deprived I have been in my adult life. Sobs bubbling
to the surface in a continuous stream of burp like little explosions (not
a very elegant description, but graphically accurate:). Tears seeping
from my eyes.
This is about being so alone for so long as an adult. This
is about being deprived of companionship, of affection, of romance, of touch,
of sexual expression. This is grief from my adult life that I am feeling
"These deprivation issues
bring up a great deal of sadness for me. It is not old grief from my
childhood that I can release and take power away from. These are ongoing
issues that I need to release grief energy about, but then more builds up.
This is grief about now - and the recent past.
This is really good. This grief is really important to feel and identify
because it will help me to see things more clearly now.
When these issues are triggered, I need to just feel the sadness
- to acknowledge it, honor it, release what I can. I need to accept
them as a perfect part of my path somehow, so I don't fall into a victim place
of self pity about them. I can feel sad for myself, affirm that I need
and deserve affection, touch, Love, companionship, sexual fulfillment -
and then let go of buying into the belief that I am a victim because those
needs are not being fulfilled today.
This is one of those internal boundary areas that I have found
so important to practice discernment about in recovery. I need to feel
and honor the feelings - the feeling of being deprived, the feeling of being
the victim of both my fear of intimacy and the Divine plan - but it is vital
for me to not buy into the belief that I am a victim in relationship to
my Spiritual Path. Buying into the belief in victimization is what
creates the artificial emotional state that is self pity." - Dance 12
written June 23, 2002
This is why internal discernment is so vital to me and my process.
I always initially identify the feelings coming up with the most recent thing
that has triggered it - thus my first reaction is that what I was feeling
was all about losing her.
At this point in my writing on the morning
of October 7th about what happened yesterday afternoon, I got off into a discussion
of the dynamics of my internal processing, of discernment, and of the disease
dynamics as it manifests in romantic relationships. It is a really
valuable discussion but it belongs elsewhere, so will be in a few chapters.
Here is a quote from that writing:
By being in my observer consciousness
and telling myself the Truth, that this is not just about her - I am able
to start identifying what it is really about. I recognize that part
of the anguish I heard in my voice when I said, "I don't want to lose her!"
is being caused by my disease.
It feels like it is all about her. It feels like I
am losing her. It feels like I will never have another love
Anguish and grief are two different things.
Grief is pure emotional energy flowing. Anguish is caused by
the mental filter / perspective that is dictating how I am relating to the
emotions. Anguish is grief sifted / examined through a filter of fear,
shame, blame, and black and white thinking.
Those are feelings - they are not telling me facts, are not telling
me the whole Truth.
Just because it feels like you are being
punished does not mean that is the Truth. Feelings are real - they are
emotional energy that is manifested in our body - but they are not necessarily
What we feel is our "emotional truth" and
it does not necessarily have anything to do with either facts or the emotional
energy that is Truth with a capital '"T" - especially when we our reacting
out of an age of our inner child. (Quotations in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Hearing the anguish in my voice as I was crying and sobbing, saying,
"I don't want to lose her" was an immediate tip off to me that the disease
was in play - was putting a negative, victim based spin on what I was feeling
in the moment.
So, I pulled myself into my observer consciousness, my recovery
control center, and started looking at what was happening from the perspective
of the empowered adult on a Spiritual Path. I started using the tools
from my codependency recovery tool box.
The tone and anguish in my voice did go back to an inner child
wound. The genesis of the wound was in my childhood. It feels
like it is probably real connected to the incredible pain, to the loneliness
and feelings of isolation, that the 7 year old who tried to commit suicide
must have felt.
But I have substantially healed that 7 year old's wound - it has
next to no power in my life any more. This is about the effects of that
wound - about the layers that were piled on top of it. This grief about
how the defenses - that I adapted to protect the part of me that wanted to
die - created my relationship phobia / terror of intimacy as an adult.
This grief is about the deprivation I suffered as an adult because of the
"I also know that there are layers of grief from the emotional
trauma I experienced. There is not only trauma about what happened
back then - there is also grief about the effect those experiences had on
me later in life. I get to cry once again for that little boy
as I write this. I have been sobbing for that little boy and the emotional
trauma he experienced - but I am also sobbing for the man that I became.
. . .
To say that what I am going through now feels like a major transformation
is an understatement of epic proportions.
. . . . . I have been going through a transformation one more
time in my recovery. Each time that I need to grow some more - need
to surrender some more of who I thought I was in order to become who I am
- I get to peel another layer of the onion. Each time this happens I
get to reach a deeper level of honesty and see things clearer than I ever
have before. Each time, I also get to release some of the emotional
energy through crying and raging.
Through clearer eyes, and with deeper emotional honesty, I get
to look at all of my major issues again to heal them some more. I used
to think that I could deal with an issue and be done with it - but now I know
that is not the way the healing process works. So recently I have gotten
the opportunity to revisit my issues of abandonment and betrayal, of deprivation
and discounting. My issues with my mother and father, with my gender
and sexuality, with money and success. My issues with the God I was
taught about and the God-Force that I choose to believe in. My patterns
of self-abusive behavior that are driven by my emotional wounds - and the
attempts that I make to forgive myself for behavior that I have been powerless
over. And they all lead me back to the core issue. I am not worthy.
I am not good enough. Something is wrong with me.
At the core of my relationship is the little boy who feels unworthy
and unlovable. And my relationship with myself was built on that foundation.
The original wounding caused me to adapt attitudes and behavior patterns which
caused me to be further traumatized and wounded - which caused me to adapt
different attitudes and behavior patterns which caused me to be further traumatized
and wounded in different ways. Layer upon layer the wounds were laid
- multifaceted, incredibly complex and convoluted is the disease of Codependence.
Truly insidious, baffling and powerful." - Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy
Yesterday when I was going through the grieving, I wasn't doing
all this analyzing. I was just working my program as I have learned
to work it. This is part of the gift of this writing for me - and for
you hopefully - is that in writing about my process, I end up breaking it
down into an understandable (hopefully) explanation of the underlying dynamics."
- Joy2MeU Journal The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one
wounded soul My Unfolding Dance 19 (October 2003)
"Oh crap!! It is going
to be one of those kind of writing frenzies! Interruption - inner eruptions
- of my writing for grieving. I just came home from the CoDA meeting
(Thursday Oct. 2nd) sobbing and moaning as I drove - crying because of an
issue that got trigged in my sharing. Not something I was expecting
today. Not an issue that I was aware was part of the emotional eruptions
going on right now. But here it is bubbling up in a string of sobs
breaking the surface like air bubbles in a fish tank. The animal like
moans of a wounded beast leaking out from deep inside of me like some gas
under pressure or something.
I have all 3 of my greatest fears, my deepest wounds at the surface
right now. What a wonderful opportunity for growth. Shit!!!
I need to tell the story to put what is happening in context, but
the feelings are not cooperating here. I am so afraid of what this means.
Today's issue is the second worst. The one that came up Monday
is the worst. The other one certainly got triggered on the trip I spoke
of - was being triggered before that, has been being triggered all week.
All three of them. Different sides of the same issue in many ways -
but also separate issues.
"I had a terror of abandonment and rejection which I had
realized was the lesser of two evils for me. I
had discovered and been working on healing this.
Fear of abandonment and betrayal by anyone I care about. Fear of
Loving someone who Loved me back until she saw who I really am - then being
abandoned and rejected. Fear of Loving someone who Loves me back and
having her die. Terrified of opening up to Love - of fully embracing
"Through revisiting the eight
year old who I was I get to understand on a new level why I have always been
attracted to unavailable people - because the pain of feeling abandoned and
betrayed is the lesser of two evils. The worst possible thing, to my
shame-based inner children, is to have revealed how unworthy and unlovable
I am . . . . It is no wonder that at my core I am terrified of loving someone
who is capable of loving me back." - Grief, Love, & Fear
My fear of intimacy is only about abandonment and betrayal, about being
revealed as unworthy and unlovable, on the surface. Those are symptoms,
which I had been seeing as the core. The core is that I am terrified
of fully embracing life and Love - of finding someone who I Love and who
Loves me back - and then having her taken away by God." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter October
2000 Part 2
"So today, I am grieving once more for the eight year
old who was trapped, and for the man he became. I am grieving because
if I don't own that child and his feelings - then the man will never get past
his terror of allowing himself to be loved. By owning and cherishing
that child, I am healing the broken heart of both the child and the man
- and giving that man the opportunity to one day trust himself enough to
love someone as much as he loved Shorty." - Grief, Love, & Fear
I wasn't sure there was even going to be a CoDA meeting today - more than
half of the Thursdays in the last 6 weeks had not had enough people show
up for a meeting. Today we did. Still I sure wasn't going to
share the stuff I am sharing here - too deep and powerful, too frightfully
intimate for the level of recovery in these meetings locally.
The meditation in Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go today
was about family and making choices about interacting with family. One
of the regulars led off the sharing, and since no one else was speaking up
I went second. I was talking about how important it was to realize
my family couldn't hear me - didn't understand the language of the Spirit
and recovery that I speak. And then because there was a new person
there, I started talking about how my parents couldn't see me when I was
a kid. How they could only see their projections and through their
fear and shame, through their idea of who I should be to make them feel good
about themselves. I said that they have never been able to see the
True me, not as a child and not now. And then I said - getting choked
up immediately before I could get the sentence out - "I have spent my whole
life trying to get people to see me."
That is what brought up the grief - trying to get people to see
me. To see me and to Love me. To see me and still Love me."
"Grieving Sunday morning
Sunday October 5th.
Crying this morning. Spent the last 3 hours or so, reading through
e-mails between us from early in relationship. So many feelings.
So much has changed so profoundly because of this relationship. Inside
of me, in my relationship with myself so much has changed.
To connect with this very special woman was such a gift in my life.
She helped me connect with lost parts of myself. I don't want to lose
this connection. My heart aches at the thought of losing this connection.
The last few days I have been reviewing, rereading, processing.
Haven't been sure what I was going to share here - that is, in terms of details
of how it all unfolded.
I will share some, not sure yet how much. What is so clear to me
this morning, is that the special lady was a perfect part of my path - was
a Divine, Blessed gift in my life.
Crying. Intermittently sobbing. Tears flowing.
Heart aching. Soooo Grateful. Sooo sad - and yet there was / is
such great Joy. Such a gift." - My Unfolding Dance 19
"I have been having to work real hard at certain times - some periods for
hours - on my internal boundaries to keep from being in the kind of energy
that drives relationship addiction. The feelings of desperation, panic,
and terror that the wounded inner children feel about losing a source of
love. The feeling of energy out of control in my body so that I am
not comfortable in my own skin - so that I feel like I am jumping out of
my own skin. The life and death urgency, desperate neediness to be
reassured that my love is not going to go away.
I have, of course, recognized these inner child place for what
they are, and have continued to talk to them and try to calm them down - reassuring
them that everything is going to be okay. That does not mean telling
them that she will come back, that she won't go away. It means telling
them, that if she does go away it will be what is best for us. That
if she goes away it will be part of our Higher Power's plan. That maybe
our Higher Power brought her into our life to break through the barriers
and learn about Love because there is going be another woman in the future
who will be able to be more available and willing to commit to the adventure."
- My Unfolding Dance 21
Romantic Relationship 2004 (the one that
was about 80% fantasy and 20% reality and included twin soul delusion)
Some excerpts from My Unfolding Dance 31 (March
"I am in incredible excruciating pain.
From the depths of my heart chakra come the sobs. I cannot imagine
going on living right now.
I sent her the link to the Update at 11:32
pm last night. I am sure she is with him. Haven't heard anything
back - she hasn't been online. The thought today is that perhaps she
is going to end all contact completely. If she does it might be best
in the long run if she absolutely certain that she is never coming back to
me - but I do not know how I can survive it.
I cannot imagine ever being with another
woman. I cannot imagine getting to know another woman - I can't even
imagine wanting to meet anyone for a very long time. I do believe we
were so perfect for each other and that she is my Twin Soul.
I am hurting sooo horribly. Oh God.
What did I ever do to deserve such a cruelty from God - such an absolutely
horrifying punishment. That may be old message from childhood but
it feels like message from lifetimes of this hell of being human and not
having Love in my life. The moans are coming again, the wounded animal
sounds. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa "
"Good Morning Sports Fans. Welcome
to Robert's mad hatter ride. The question we are addressing this morning
is Robert's mental health and emotional well being.
Have I finally had the psychotic break that
I was worried about over 15 years ago when I first started writing the Trilogy?
. . . .
. . . . So, No! I do not believe I
am insane even if dysfunctional society would think me crazy. I have
faith in my Truth, in my message, in my beliefs about my path. I stand
firmly in my Truth.
Have I been acting insane in certain ways
lately? Has my life felt insane in recent weeks?
A resounding Yes! to both of those questions.
Why have I been feeling and acting insane
recently? - you ask. Would you be surprised if I were to tell you it
was because of a romantic relationship?" - Joy2MeU Journal The Path
of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul My Unfolding
Dance 31 (March 2004)
"On my short mountain walk right now. Am in huge pain. I thought
I had experienced hell. I thought that I had been through hell and
that I had survived it. But the hell that I have experienced up to
now is a meek small shadow of what I am feeling now. . . . . THIS IS HELL!!!!!!
THIS IS HELL!!!!!! There can be no devastation to match this.
There can be no pain that approaches what I am feeling. I cannot think
of any reason to even want to survive this. I can only experience terror
at the thought of the weeks and months and years to come living in the HELL
of separation from Her. I cannot imagine a reason to want to continue
living in this kind of pain. . . . . . FUCK YOU GOD. YOU FUCKING SADISTIC
CRUEL UNSPEAKABLY COLD BASTARD!!!!
I keep going to the anger to pull me out of the pain. Anger
at God. Anger at the disease. I will not take the easy way
out of this by turning my anger at her. There will be some anger at
her, but what is happening is not her fault or her doing. This was a
set up - and I am ENRAGED by the CRUELTY of this emotional experience. . .
. . .
. . . . . . I cannot express to you the pain I was in. . . . .
. What an incredible process! What a focused, concentrated, intense,
compressed, pressurized, hothouse, petrie dish, cyclotronic accelerated atom
smashing molecular structure transmuting diamondizing thermonuclear fusion
producing explosion of growth and transformation.
I am in the cocoon being torn apart and put back together again.
I hope to fuck I am being put back together again because I sure as Hell
am being torn apart.
I am in the Black Hole having the life sucked out of me by hurricane
force cyclonic pressures that threaten to tear me limb from limb, mind from
body, heart from soul - even as I am polished and compressed by unspeakable
pressures in this transformation that will vomit me forth a brilliant diamond
of crystalized refractive hardness and ineffable power.
That is, if I live through the next couple of weeks. I mean,
rather I live through the next couple of weeks or not, I will come out a diamond,
a butterfly, a beautiful swan - I am just not sure if it is going to be in
this body or not.
I am in HELL!!!!!!!!!!! The pain is unfuckingbearable.
I must find release from this pain! I will not be able to endure this
magnitude of pain for much longer. It is not humanly possible to endure
this much crushing agony." - Joy2MeU Journal
The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul My
Unfolding Dance 36 (April 2004)
"There is obviously still some terror and shame at the heart of
my fear of intimacy that was causing me to sabotage the relationship.
My ego defenses caused me to behave in ways that pushed for the destination
my disease wanted - that is to be rejected ("thrown away" was the term that
kept coming out of my mouth.) To my disease that would be the inevitable
conclusion, so better to get it over with then deal with the fear, the anticipation,
of knowing it was going to happen eventually. It was the fear of being
rejected for being unlovable and unworthy - and losing my Twin Soul again
- that was creating so much fear of the outcome for me, because on some really
deep level I felt like the outcome was inevitable.
"It was the terror in anticipation of losing her - combined
with the pain of lifetimes of heart rending grief - that caused me to think
that death would be preferable to living with losing her. As it so
often proves to be in this human experience, the anticipation of pain is
often worse than actually experiencing the pain. Now that I have lost
her - and I do believe that we are not going to be able to be together again
in this lifetime - I am in great pain, but the terror of anticipating the
grieving is gone." - August 2004 Joy2MeU Update
I hate this!!!! My fear of the outcome caused me to behave in ways
that made that outcome inevitable. SHIT!!!!!"- Joy2MeU Journal The
Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul Mini-Newsletter
8 September 2004
April 12th, 2008 11:26 AM
As I said above, it is kind of embarrassing to reread - and to share
here - those feelings I went through. Those women were not people
I had much in common with - nor was I even very attracted to them (physically,
emotionally, in any way really.) But they were a necessary part of
my recovery journey.
"It was necessary for me to buy into the delusion that the
person I met in December 2003 was my twin soul - in order to delve into my
issues as deeply as I did in 2004. It was going through that experience
that brought me to a place where I was available for this relationship.
My deprivation issues caused me to buy into the delusion that the woman
in 2004 was my twin soul so that I could hang onto the relationship.
It caused us both a lot of pain but hopefully also facilitated a lot of growth
for both of us. It did for me anyway, I Truly hope it did for her also.
The Universe completely ambushed me with this relationship - and
did it in such a way, that I had to throw out all the romantic fantasy stuff.
There was no feeling that I had met a soul mate or twin soul - or that there
was some powerful vibrational or Karmic connection in this relationship.
I don't even think in those terms any more.
And it is not that there isn't romance in my relationship with
Susan - there is. But there isn't a delusional romantic fantasy involved.
I didn't get involved with her because I thought she was a soul mate or my
twin soul or anything. And I didn't have to delude myself that there
was a karmic connection after getting involved with her in order to justify
that involvement - as I did in the fantasy relationship of 2004. I recognized
that the Universe had brought her into my life as a teacher - and that I
needed to surrender to the experience. That she is a gorgeous babe
was a definite plus in helping to make that surrender. (And that isn't
to say there isn't some karmic connection between us - there must be or we
wouldn't be so deeply involved in helping each other grow.)" - Update on
My Fear of Intimacy - an addendum to the Joy2MeU March 2007 Update
As I shared with my yahoo e-mailing list in January, there was indeed
a powerful karmic connection for me in this relationship - with Darien.
"January the 23rd marked the 3rd anniversary since Susan
and I met. A record for me for sure. I am so grateful that Susan
came into my life - and this relationship sure has drastically changed my
life. In my June 2005 Update I explained how "It took a cosmic "coincidence"
of pretty monumental proportions for us to even connect at all" - and how
on the evening of January 23rd 2005 I got a clear message from my Spirit that
I was supposed to surrender to the experience of whatever my interaction with
her would entail.
I got choked up and teary today rereading this quote above:
"That night I surrendered to whatever ride the Universe
had in store for me with this woman. That night I realized that I needed
to ignore the red flags, let go of any preconceived boundaries or expectations,
and go wherever this adventure led me.
And it is certainly true that Susan is very actively in recovery, and that
without that we would not have had a chance for a relationship to last this
long. But even with that, I think my fear of intimacy would have sabotaged
the relationship long ago except for the factor that I really didn't know
anything about at the time I wrote that June 2005 Update. That unknown
factor is Darien.
It has been a real e-ticket ride so far. I have thought
it was over a multitude of times. She would react in ways that pushed
my buttons - and I was sure it had ended. But then it would begin again.
The key factor is that she is actively in recovery, dedicated
to getting healthier." - Joy2MeU
Update Newsletter June 2005
We moved in together in June of 2005 - and until that time I didn't
really have a relationship with the little boy. It was after we started
to live together that Darien and I were drawn together. I mentioned
in my August Update last year that I had just recently realized that he
and I had a powerful Karmic / Soul connection.
"In late April or early May this year I had one of those
light bulb going on / aha kind of moments of insight where I realized that
Darien and I had a soul contract. That our souls had agreed to meet
up at a certain point in this lifetime to be teachers and helpers to each
other on our Spiritual Paths. Despite the powerful connection I feel
to him - and that he obviously feels to me - this had never occurred to me
before. When I mentioned my insight to Susan, she kind of looked at
me funny and said something like, "Well duh, of course. You didn't
know that?"" - Joy2MeU Update August 2007
Our concern and love for Darien got us through many rough passages in our
relationship. He helped us to not take ourselves and our wounded ego
button's so seriously, and to lighten up at times when we really needed to
lighten up. Many times when I thought it was over, it was Darien who
brought us back together. We have had a successful relationship in large
part because we weren't just focused on the relationship - we weren't really
free to allow our respective fear of intimacy to sabotage us because we both
love that little boy so much. Our focus was larger than just the relationship
between the two of us. That was true even before we became his primary
guardians - which essentially started at the time of the April Intensive
in San Francisco, even though it didn't become official until June of that
He continues to bring so much Joy to both of us, and the direction
of our lives continues to be greatly impacted by our desire to take care of
him. My fear of intimacy is still keeping me from opening my heart
completely to Susan in some ways - and to myself also of course (the fear
of shining too brightly I mentioned in my last post here) - but our Higher
Powers unfolded our paths perfectly to put us together with Darien so he
could help us both learn about Love. Susan and I are learning a great
deal from each other - and the common ground of our love for Darien is helping
our love to evolve.
"So today, I am grieving once more for the eight year old
who was trapped, and for the man he became. I am grieving because if
I don't own that child and his feelings - then the man will never get past
his terror of allowing himself to be loved. By owning and cherishing
that child, I am healing the broken heart of both the child and the man
- and giving that man the opportunity to one day trust himself enough to
love someone as much as he loved Shorty." - Grief, Love, & Fear
I can see clearly now that Darien is the first human being - since my parents
when I was an infant - that I have ever opened up my heart to completely.
Because of my Love for Darien, I am gradually opening my heart to Susan.
Recovery is really an incredible journey - I highly recommend it.;-)
Be kind and compassionate for your self today - it is not your fault
that you are wounded and have been deprived. - Robert