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"One of the biggest areas in this culture that we are trained to relate to from a victim perspective is in relationship to romance. To paraphrase the quote from my book above: "it is necessary to change the way we intellectually view romance in order to stop being the victim of the old tapes."This is an article in a series of articles focused upon issues involving gender, sexuality, romantic relationships, and directly related topics.
We learned that romance was magical - that finding our prince or princess was a destination to reach where we would live happily ever after. We learn about "falling in love" as if it were a camouflaged hole in the sidewalk that we just happened to fall into."
"It was vital for me to start owning that falling in love was a choice I was making - not some lightening strike that I was powerless over. As long as I was reacting unconsciously - not owning that I had some power over the beliefs I was empowering and therefore the feelings I was set up to experience because of the perspectives and expectations those beliefs created - then I was in my codependency and powerless to make choices. I was then doomed to end up blaming her for not being a magical princess and/or blaming myself for being such an ugly frog."
"The reality is that I have choices in life, and I need to take responsibility for the consequences of those choices. If I choose to get involved with someone romantically, the responsibility for any emotional reactions are mine - not the other persons. I may feel like the victim of her behavior, but I can tell myself the Truth - which is that I am responsible for the feelings because I was the one who choose to give her some power over my feelings."
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The Dance of Wounded Souls
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|This is article is part of a series of articles
which are focused upon issues involving gender, sexuality, romantic relationships,
and directly related topics. This article Falling
in love as a choice was originally published online February 26, 2004
on Robert's Inner Child / Codependency Recovery page on the Suite101.com
Directory. There is a list of - and links to - the other articles
in this series on Suite 101 on the Suite101 Articles page. This
article was used to create this page on Joy2MeU in February of 2005.
Falling in love as a choice
"Learning discernment is vital - not just in terms of the choices we make about who to trust, but also in terms of our perspective, our attitudes. We learned about life as children and it is necessary to change the way we intellectually view life in order to stop being the victim of the old tapes. By looking at, becoming conscious of, our attitudes, definitions, and perspectives, we can start discerning what works for us and what does not work. We can then start making choices about whether our intellectual view of life is serving us - or if it is setting us up to be victims because we are expecting life to be something which it is not."
One of the biggest areas in this culture that we are trained to relate to from a victim perspective is in relationship to romance. To paraphrase the quote from my book above: "it is necessary to change the way we intellectually view romance in order to stop being the victim of the old tapes."
As I talked about in that article, it is vital for us to change our perspective of romantic love into one that is realistic. The attitudes, definitions, and beliefs that we hold on a subconscious and conscious level are what determine our perspectives and expectations - which in turn dictate our emotional reactions and our relationships.
As the quote above from my book references, my fifteen year old was not capable of making discerning choices when it came to romance. Reacting unconsciously to old wounds, caused me to feel like a victim - either of my own unworthiness, or of the woman's inability to make me feel like a prince permanently. Falling in love feels magical, so it was possible for a woman to make me feel like a prince temporarily - but eventually she proves herself to be human and not a magical princess, and then I would feel like a victim because of my unconscious expectations.In the Premier edition of my Joy2MeU Journal, I shared in the Newsletter about an experience I had on April 1st 1990. I refer to it as my April Fools Day Lesson about falling in love. In that Newsletter I am talking about the Journal as I was conceiving it at that time - that is, a regular publication that would be published in intervals. It turned out to be something quite different than that, as I explain on the Journal Information page. I think that April Fools story is amusing and instructive so I decided to include a link to it here: Newsletter of Joy2MeU Journal First Issue - April 2, 1999
The next article in this series is Homosexuality - and the Bible
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Falling in love as a choice was originally published
online February 26, 2004 on Robert's Inner Child/Codependency Recovery
page on the Suite101.com Directory. Some slight changes were made
in moving this article to Joy2MeU.com - primarily in removing references
to other articles on suite101 and changing the links for those articles
to counterparts on Joy2MeU.