"A key to the inner child healing process that I discovered in my own recovery and developed in teaching other people how to become empowered to change their relationship with themselves into a more Loving one, is learning to set internal boundaries. These boundaries are in relationship to a variety of different levels and facets of the process, but are vitally important in terms of learning how to stop reacting out of the old wounds and old tapes."This is an article in a series of articles focused upon issues involving gender, sexuality, romantic relationships, and directly related topics.
"It is because romantic relationships trigger so many of our old wounds and old tapes that I believe that romantic relationships are the greatest arena for Spiritual and emotional growth available to us. It is in the relationships that involve opening our heart to another person that our codependent defenses are most elaborate and powerful. We of course open our hearts - and can learn a great deal about our own wounding - in relationships other than romantic, but romantic relationship include the levels of physical / sexual intimacy so are the relationships most impacted by the sexual and sexuality abuse (including emotional incest) issues that I have been talking about in recent articles in this series."
"We all have at least one place within us where we feel desperately needy and lonely. An inner child within us who feels like the person we are romantically involved with is the source of love in our life - and that if we lose them we will die. That desperately needy inner child place - either by itself or in combination with other parts of our interior landscape such as the romantic within, the addict within, the maiden or horndog within, the magical thinking child, the king/queen baby who wants instant gratification, and others - is / are the part(s) within us that drive relationship addiction. It is that part / those parts of us, that causes us to get clingy and needy in relationships - or to go to the opposite extreme and run away (or try to push the other person away) because we are so scared of the neediness we are trying to deny in our self."
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|This is article is part of a series of
articles which are focused upon issues involving gender, sexuality, romantic
relationships, and directly related topics. This article Setting Internal Boundaries in relationship to
Romantic, Sexual Relationships was originally published online
December 29, 2003 on Robert's Inner Child / Codependency Recovery page
on the Suite101.com Directory. There is a list of - and links to
- the other articles in this series on Suite 101 on the Suite101 Articles page.
This article was used to create this page on Joy2MeU in October of 2004.
Setting Internal Boundaries in relationship to Romantic, Sexual Relationships
"It was vitally important for me to learn how to have internal boundaries so that I could lovingly parent (which, of course, includes setting boundaries for) my inner children, tell the critical parent/disease voice to shut up, and start accessing the emotional energy of Truth, Beauty, Joy, Light, and Love. It was by learning internal boundaries that I could begin to achieve some integration and balance in my life, and transform my experience of life into an adventure that is enjoyable and exciting most of the time."
The relationship experience I refer to in this article was - as I stated in my August 2004 Joy2MeU Update "was a long distance relationship. . . . - and was about 95% fantasy and 5 % relationship." It was an important preparation for an authentic relationship experience that started at the end of 2003 and continued into 2004, in which I was able to open my heart to another person for the first time in my adult life. I first discussed this experience in my March 2004 Joy2MeU Update and then in my August Update. In processing in my personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal this week I got in touch with an inner child wound that was affecting my reactions and causing me to sabotage that relationship. When I say "the complex and complicated interrelationship between the issues and the different levels of those issues - is actually kind of mind boggling" I certainly was not making an understatement. It is an ongoing process of uncovering, discovering, and recovering. - RB October 10, 2004
The relationships in 2003 and 2004 (which I referred to here as an authentic experience) is something I refer to in a later Update Newsletter in 2007: "That was followed by a relationship experience in the Spring of 2003. It was a long distance relationship that included two short visits by the woman to Cambria - and was about 95% fantasy and 5 % relationship. (As opposed to the relationship in 2004 with my "twin soul" delusion, which was about 80% fantasy and 20% reality.)" Those two experiences prepared me for the reality of the relationship that started in 2005 (the history of which is probably best understood on the page about my step grandson Darien.) We just celebrated 5 years together and decided today (as I update this page to fix a bad link) that we are going to formalize our commitment to the relationship. - RB 6/20/10
That last relationship ended as a romantic relationship over 5 years ago, as I update this page in 2018. I share what has been happening in my process in recent years in an Update Newsletter that I posted in June 2018. - 10/7/18
Go to Taking self worth out of the equation in Romantic Relationships
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by Robert Burney is copyright 1995. Material on Joy2MeU web site (except
where otherwise noted) is copyright 1996 thru 2018 by Robert Burney
PO Box 1028 Cambria CA 93428.
This article Setting Internal
Boundaries in relationship to Romantic, Sexual Relationships was originally
published online December 29, 2003 on Robert's Inner
Child/Codependency Recovery page on the Suite101.com Directory. Some
slight changes were made in moving this article to Joy2MeU.com - primarily
in removing references to other articles on suite101 and changing the
links for those articles to counterparts on Joy2MeU.