"In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in.  We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."

This happens because those people feel familiar.  Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most.  So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people."

"Western Civilization (in reaction to earlier ages when it was out of balance to the other extreme of allowing superstition to rule) does not acknowledge that multiple levels of reality exist and as a result, has been way out of balance towards the left brain way of thinking - rational, logical, concrete, what you see is all there is. . . . .  Because emotional energy could not be seen or measured or weighed, and was not sanctioned by the AMA, emotions were discounted and devalued."

"It is because there is more than one level of reality that life is paradoxical in nature.  What is True and positive on one level - selfishness out of Spiritual Self, can be negative on another level - selfishness out of ego-self.  What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, God calls a butterfly.

Humans have always had expressions that describe the paradoxical nature of the life experience.  Every ending is a beginning.  Every cloud does have a silver lining.  For every door that closes, another door does open.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  Every obstacle is a gift, every problem is an opportunity for growth.

These are all expressions that refer to the paradoxical nature of life - the seeming contradictions that are a result of the multiple levels of reality.  When we start to understand and recognize that there are multiple levels of reality, then we can begin to unravel the paradox and see how all of the pieces fit together perfectly."

"What I have found is that in many instances even though the levels that I can see, that I am conscious of, are mostly dysfunctional - arising out of the false beliefs and fears of the disease of Codependence - on deeper levels there are "right on" reasons for behaviors for which I was judging myself. . . . . . . And on a much deeper level I came to understand that I am - and have been, ever since polarization - looking for my twin soul."

(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

I am using more quotes from my book (above) than usual for this months column.  I am doing that to kind of set the stage, create a context, for not just this article but more which are to follow it.  What I am going to be focusing on here and in coming months is the multiple levels of reality that come into play in romantic relationships - including metaphysical levels.  (The way this series evolved, what the following articles end up focusing on was fear of intimacy - and in particular what I learned about my fear of intimacy defenses in a romantic relationship experience in 2004.) This month I am going introduce two of the most prominent and powerful levels of metaphysical reality that come into play in romantic relationships.

Metaphysical means beyond the physical - that is beyond the concrete three-dimensional reality that we experience, that can be seen and measured.  One of the reasons that emotions have been so discounted in Western Civilization has been because it is not possible to take an x-ray and see that we have unresolved grief from the past that is knocking our system out of balance and causing us to be depressed.  Emotions have also been discounted in Eastern Civilization although the Eastern approach to medicine and science is much more Holistic in general and does acknowledges the existence of energies of a metaphysical nature.

In my book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls I use principles of Quantum Physics and Molecular Biology to explain my Spiritual belief system - and my understanding that this human experience is a dance of energy governed by vibrational energy interaction dynamics and patterns.

So, what does this all have to do with romantic relationships, you are probably asking.  Everything actually.  There is literal vibrational Truth to such expressions as being "on the same wave length" with someone. There are people whom we have a closer vibrational relationship to than other people - people who we can feel closer and more connected to within a few hours of meeting them than we do to people we have known our whole life.  The people we connect with in these ways are Kindred Spirits, and they are members of what could be called our vibrational tribe or stream.  A few of those Kindred Spirits are soul mates with whom we have been involved romantically in past lives.  In addition, we all have a twin soul - that as the quote from my book states - we have been separated from because of the condition of polarity that has so dictated the human condition for tens of thousands of years.  (Polarity being the "Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil" - and the story of Adam and Eve being not an account of what caused polarity but a twisted symbolic interpretation of planetary conditions as humans were experiencing them.)

What is so vital for us in recovery is to start to learn to have discernment in sorting out what levels of energetic connection we are feeling when we meet someone. Because we were raised with fairy tales of the Prince and Princess living happily ever after - an archetypal energetic imprinting which resonates with all of us because of having been separated from our twin soul - we believe such powerful feelings of connection are a sure sign that we have reached the door step to happily ever after.

This is very much not true.  There are many different levels of energetic connection but the one which has been most powerful in shaping our lives is the one I talk about in the first quote from my book above - the feeling of familiarity with someone who vibrates on an emotional energetic dynamics level "on the same wave length" with the emotional dynamics from our childhood.  In other words, people who feel familiar because they are some how like our parents in their internal emotional dynamics.

There is a good reason that I make a point by saying - in both my writing and my work with people individually - that it was important for me to realize that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate I had better watch out.  As long as I was not in recovery from my codependency - as long as I was not actively involved in the process of healing my inner child wounds and changing my subconscious ego programming so that I was learning how to have the wisdom / discernment to recognize when a feeling of attraction was mostly coming from the codependent familiarity of feeling abused, abandoned, and betrayed - then I was doomed to keep repeating the same relationship patterns over and over again.  It was only when I got into recovery that I could start learning the lessons that I needed to learn and developing the discernment to be able to start changing my relationship patterns.

There are always multiple levels of reality, of vibrational energy dynamics, involved in this human experience we are having.  It is vital to start seeing our own internal dynamics more clearly in order to start practicing discernment in our relationships.  The Truth is that someone can feel familiar in a way that recreates our wounding with our parents / patterns - and be a soul mate also.  In fact, it is inevitable that when we do meet someone who is our soul mate - or even more powerfully our twin soul - there will be Karma to settle.  Which means no happily ever after in this body in this lifetime - though such a connection can certainly help us access great Joy and Love.

What it does mean is, that we have been given an incredibly wonderful, immensely valuable, probably excruciatingly painful at times, opportunity for emotional healing, Spiritual growth, and Karmic settlement.  A real E-ticket ride as it were.

It is very important to be in recovery paying attention to the lessons being presented to us to make the most of an opportunity that can potentially be the greatest, most sublime gift we have ever received on our path.   Working through the issues and Karma involved can take us to a level of emotional intimacy, of opening our hearts to Loving and being Loved, that can allow us to regularly touch the Sacred and Divine.  A union of two beings in body with such an energetic connection creates an transcendent energetic connection with The Source more powerful than any single being can access individually.  Truly a magnificent gift to be grateful for - and well worth going through the emotional healing to create.