"In our disease defense system we
build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone
who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal,
and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We,
in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to,
and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most
untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need
to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our
This happens because those people feel familiar.
Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the
most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating
our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves
or other people."
"Western Civilization (in reaction to earlier
ages when it was out of balance to the other extreme of allowing superstition
to rule) does not acknowledge that multiple levels of reality exist and as
a result, has been way out of balance towards the left brain way of thinking
- rational, logical, concrete, what you see is all there is. . . . .
Because emotional energy could not be seen or measured or weighed, and was
not sanctioned by the AMA, emotions were discounted and devalued."
"It is because there is more than one level
of reality that life is paradoxical in nature. What is True and positive
on one level - selfishness out of Spiritual Self, can be negative on another
level - selfishness out of ego-self. What a caterpillar calls the end
of the world, God calls a butterfly.
Humans have always had expressions that
describe the paradoxical nature of the life experience. Every ending
is a beginning. Every cloud does have a silver lining. For every
door that closes, another door does open. It is always darkest before
the dawn. Every obstacle is a gift, every problem is an opportunity
These are all expressions that refer to
the paradoxical nature of life - the seeming contradictions that are a result
of the multiple levels of reality. When we start to understand and
recognize that there are multiple levels of reality, then we can begin to
unravel the paradox and see how all of the pieces fit together perfectly."
"What I have found is that in many instances
even though the levels that I can see, that I am conscious of, are mostly
dysfunctional - arising out of the false beliefs and fears of the disease
of Codependence - on deeper levels there are "right on" reasons for behaviors
for which I was judging myself. . . . . . . And on a much deeper level I
came to understand that I am - and have been, ever since polarization - looking
for my twin soul."
(All quotes in this color are from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
I am using more quotes from my book (above) than usual for this
months column. I am doing that to kind of set the stage, create a
context, for not just this article but more which are to follow it.
What I am going to be focusing on here and in coming months is the multiple
levels of reality that come into play in romantic relationships - including
metaphysical levels. (The way this series evolved,
what the following articles end up focusing on was fear of intimacy - and
in particular what I learned about my fear of intimacy defenses in a romantic
relationship experience in 2004.) This month I am going introduce
two of the most prominent and powerful levels of metaphysical reality that
come into play in romantic relationships.
Metaphysical means beyond the physical - that is beyond the concrete
three-dimensional reality that we experience, that can be seen and measured.
One of the reasons that emotions have been so discounted in Western Civilization
has been because it is not possible to take an x-ray and see that we have
unresolved grief from the past that is knocking our system out of balance
and causing us to be depressed. Emotions have also been discounted
in Eastern Civilization although the Eastern approach to medicine and science
is much more Holistic in general and does acknowledges the existence of energies
of a metaphysical nature.
In my book Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls I use principles of Quantum Physics and Molecular
Biology to explain my Spiritual belief system - and my understanding that
this human experience is a dance of energy governed by vibrational energy
interaction dynamics and patterns.
So, what does this all have to do with romantic relationships,
you are probably asking. Everything actually. There is literal
vibrational Truth to such expressions as being "on the same wave length"
with someone. There are people whom we have a closer vibrational relationship
to than other people - people who we can feel closer and more connected to
within a few hours of meeting them than we do to people we have known our
whole life. The people we connect with in these ways are Kindred Spirits,
and they are members of what could be called our vibrational tribe or stream.
A few of those Kindred Spirits are soul mates with whom we have been involved
romantically in past lives. In addition, we all have a twin soul -
that as the quote from my book states - we have been separated from because
of the condition of polarity that has so dictated the human condition for
tens of thousands of years. (Polarity being the "Tree of Knowledge
of Good and Evil" - and the story of Adam and Eve being not an account of
what caused polarity but a twisted symbolic interpretation of planetary conditions
as humans were experiencing them.)
What is so vital for us in recovery is to start to learn to have
discernment in sorting out what levels of energetic connection we are feeling
when we meet someone. Because we were raised with fairy tales of the Prince
and Princess living happily ever after - an archetypal energetic imprinting
which resonates with all of us because of having been separated from our
twin soul - we believe such powerful feelings of connection are a sure sign
that we have reached the door step to happily ever after.
This is very much not true. There are many different levels
of energetic connection but the one which has been most powerful in shaping
our lives is the one I talk about in the first quote from my book above -
the feeling of familiarity with someone who vibrates on an emotional energetic
dynamics level "on the same wave length" with the emotional dynamics from
our childhood. In other words, people who feel familiar because they
are some how like our parents in their internal emotional dynamics.
There is a good reason that I make a point by saying - in both
my writing and my work with people individually - that it was important
for me to realize that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate I had
better watch out. As long as I was not in recovery from my codependency
- as long as I was not actively involved in the process of healing my inner
child wounds and changing my subconscious ego programming so that I was learning
how to have the wisdom / discernment to recognize when a feeling of attraction
was mostly coming from the codependent familiarity of feeling abused, abandoned,
and betrayed - then I was doomed to keep repeating the same relationship
patterns over and over again. It was only when I got into recovery that
I could start learning the lessons that I needed to learn and developing the
discernment to be able to start changing my relationship patterns.
There are always multiple levels of reality, of vibrational energy
dynamics, involved in this human experience we are having. It is vital
to start seeing our own internal dynamics more clearly in order to start
practicing discernment in our relationships. The Truth is that someone
can feel familiar in a way that recreates our wounding with our parents /
patterns - and be a soul mate also. In fact, it is inevitable that
when we do meet someone who is our soul mate - or even more powerfully our
twin soul - there will be Karma to settle. Which means no happily ever
after in this body in this lifetime - though such a connection can certainly
help us access great Joy and Love.
What it does mean is, that we have been given an incredibly wonderful,
immensely valuable, probably excruciatingly painful at times, opportunity
for emotional healing, Spiritual growth, and Karmic settlement. A real
E-ticket ride as it were.
It is very important to be in recovery paying attention to the
lessons being presented to us to make the most of an opportunity that can
potentially be the greatest, most sublime gift we have ever received on
our path. Working through the issues and Karma involved can
take us to a level of emotional intimacy, of opening our hearts to Loving
and being Loved, that can allow us to regularly touch the Sacred and Divine.
A union of two beings in body with such an energetic connection creates an
transcendent energetic connection with The Source more powerful than any
single being can access individually. Truly a magnificent gift to be
grateful for - and well worth going through the emotional healing to create.