"In our disease defense system we build
up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone
who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal,
and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in.
We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted
to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the
most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever
we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will
"push our buttons."
This happens because those people feel familiar.
Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the
most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating
our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust
ourselves or other people."
"Western Civilization (in reaction to earlier
ages when it was out of balance to the other extreme of allowing superstition
to rule) does not acknowledge that multiple levels of reality exist and
as a result, has been way out of balance towards the left brain way of
thinking - rational, logical, concrete, what you see is all there is. .
. . . Because emotional energy could not be seen or measured or weighed,
and was not sanctioned by the AMA, emotions were discounted and devalued."
"It is because there is more than one level of
reality that life is paradoxical in nature. What is True and positive
on one level - selfishness out of Spiritual Self, can be negative on another
level - selfishness out of ego-self. What a caterpillar calls the
end of the world, God calls a butterfly.
Humans have always had expressions that describe
the paradoxical nature of the life experience. Every ending is a
beginning. Every cloud does have a silver lining. For every
door that closes, another door does open. It is always darkest before
the dawn. Every obstacle is a gift, every problem is an opportunity
These are all expressions that refer to the paradoxical
nature of life - the seeming contradictions that are a result of the multiple
levels of reality. When we start to understand and recognize that
there are multiple levels of reality, then we can begin to unravel the
paradox and see how all of the pieces fit together perfectly."
"What I have found is that in many instances even
though the levels that I can see, that I am conscious of, are mostly dysfunctional
- arising out of the false beliefs and fears of the disease of Codependence
- on deeper levels there are "right on" reasons for behaviors for which
I was judging myself. . . . . . . And on a much deeper level I came to
understand that I am - and have been, ever since polarization - looking
for my twin soul."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls)
I am using more quotes from my book (above) than usual for this months
column. I am doing that to kind of set the stage, create a context,
for not just this article but more which are to follow it. What I
am going to be focusing on here and in coming months is the multiple levels
of reality that come into play in romantic relationships - including metaphysical
levels. (The way this series evolved, what
the following articles end up focusing on was fear of intimacy - and in
particular what I learned about my fear of intimacy defenses in a romantic
relationship experience in 2004.) This month I am going introduce
two of the most prominent and powerful levels of metaphysical reality that
come into play in romantic relationships.
Metaphysical means beyond the physical - that is beyond the concrete
three-dimensional reality that we experience, that can be seen and measured.
One of the reasons that emotions have been so discounted in Western Civilization
has been because it is not possible to take an x-ray and see that we have
unresolved grief from the past that is knocking our system out of balance
and causing us to be depressed. Emotions have also been discounted
in Eastern Civilization although the Eastern approach to medicine and science
is much more Holistic in general and does acknowledges the existence of
energies of a metaphysical nature.
In my book Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls I use principles of Quantum Physics and Molecular
Biology to explain my Spiritual belief system - and my understanding that
this human experience is a dance of energy governed by vibrational energy
interaction dynamics and patterns.
So, what does this all have to do with romantic relationships, you are
probably asking. Everything actually. There is literal vibrational
Truth to such expressions as being "on the same wave length" with someone.
There are people whom we have a closer vibrational relationship to than
other people - people who we can feel closer and more connected to within
a few hours of meeting them than we do to people we have known our whole
life. The people we connect with in these ways are Kindred Spirits,
and they are members of what could be called our vibrational tribe or stream.
A few of those Kindred Spirits are soul mates with whom we have been involved
romantically in past lives. In addition, we all have a twin soul
- that as the quote from my book states - we have been separated from because
of the condition of polarity that has so dictated the human condition for
tens of thousands of years. (Polarity being the "Tree of Knowledge
of Good and Evil" - and the story of Adam and Eve being not an account
of what caused polarity but a twisted symbolic interpretation of planetary
conditions as humans were experiencing them.)
What is so vital for us in recovery is to start to learn to have discernment
in sorting out what levels of energetic connection we are feeling when
we meet someone. Because we were raised with fairy tales of the Prince
and Princess living happily ever after - an archetypal energetic imprinting
which resonates with all of us because of having been separated from our
twin soul - we believe such powerful feelings of connection are a sure
sign that we have reached the door step to happily ever after.
This is very much not true. There are many different levels of
energetic connection but the one which has been most powerful in shaping
our lives is the one I talk about in the first quote from my book above
- the feeling of familiarity with someone who vibrates on an emotional
energetic dynamics level "on the same wave length" with the emotional dynamics
from our childhood. In other words, people who feel familiar because
they are some how like our parents in their internal emotional dynamics.
There is a good reason that I make a point by saying - in both my writing
and my work with people individually - that it was important for me to
realize that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate I had better watch
out. As long as I was not in recovery from my codependency - as long
as I was not actively involved in the process of healing my inner child
wounds and changing my subconscious ego programming so that I was learning
how to have the wisdom / discernment to recognize when a feeling of attraction
was mostly coming from the codependent familiarity of feeling abused, abandoned,
and betrayed - then I was doomed to keep repeating the same relationship
patterns over and over again. It was only when I got into recovery
that I could start learning the lessons that I needed to learn and developing
the discernment to be able to start changing my relationship patterns.
There are always multiple levels of reality, of vibrational energy dynamics,
involved in this human experience we are having. It is vital to start
seeing our own internal dynamics more clearly in order to start practicing
discernment in our relationships. The Truth is that someone can feel
familiar in a way that recreates our wounding with our parents / patterns
- and be a soul mate also. In fact, it is inevitable that when we
do meet someone who is our soul mate - or even more powerfully our twin
soul - there will be Karma to settle. Which means no happily ever
after in this body in this lifetime - though such a connection can certainly
help us access great Joy and Love.
What it does mean is, that we have been given an incredibly wonderful,
immensely valuable, probably excruciatingly painful at times, opportunity
for emotional healing, Spiritual growth, and Karmic settlement. A
real E-ticket ride as it were.
It is very important to be in recovery paying attention to the lessons
being presented to us to make the most of an opportunity that can potentially
be the greatest, most sublime gift we have ever received on our path.
Working through the issues and Karma involved can take us to a level of
emotional intimacy, of opening our hearts to Loving and being Loved, that
can allow us to regularly touch the Sacred and Divine. A union of
two beings in body with such an energetic connection creates an transcendent
energetic connection with The Source more powerful than any single being
can access individually. Truly a magnificent gift to be grateful
for - and well worth going through the emotional healing to create.