Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 5, Healthy Joyous Sexuality

"Romantic relationships are not the only type of relationships that we can feel Loved in, of course, but they are the only relationships in which we can completely connect with another being with all the levels of our being: physical, emotional, mental, and Spiritual."
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"A Loving God/Goddess/Great Spirit would not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful unless we were meant to enJoy them."
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"When both people in a romantic relationship are in recovery from their emotional wounds and dysfunctional intellectual programming there is the potential for a partnership that touches the Divine - that has moments when the connection is nothing short of Sacred."
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"The more you do your healing and follow your Spiritual path the more moments of each day you will have the choice to Truly be present the moment.  And in the moment you can make a choice to embrace and feel the Joy fully and completely and with Gusto.

In any specific moment you will have the power to make a choice to feel the Love in that moment as if you have never been hurt and as if the Love will never go away."

On this page is the fifth in a series of articles by Spiritual teacher/codependency therapist focused on healthy romantic relationship behavior.
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This series of articles was originally published online on the Inner Child/Codependency Recovery page that Robert edits for Suite101.com Directory (link at the bottom of page.)  Some of the articles in this series are expanded and updated versions of columns published previously.

 Healthy Relationships - Part 5, Healthy Joyous Sexuality

"The gift of touch is an incredibly wonderful gift.  One of the reasons we are here is to touch each other physically as well as Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.  Touch is not bad or shameful.  Our creator did not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful just to set us up to fail some perverted, sadistic life test.  Any concept of god that includes the belief that the flesh and the Spirit cannot be integrated, that we will be punished for honoring our powerful human desires and needs, is - in my belief - a sadly twisted, distorted, and false concept that is reversed to the Truth of a Loving God-Force. 

We need to strive for balance and integration in our relationships.  We need to touch in healthy, appropriate, emotionally honest ways - so that we can honor our human bodies and the gift that is physical touch. 

Making Love is a celebration and a way of honoring the Masculine and Feminine Energy of the Universe (and the masculine and feminine energy within no matter what genders are involved), a way of honoring its perfect interaction and harmony.  It is a blessed way of honoring the Creative Source."

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"Whenever two or more are gathered in the name of Love and Truth, in the name of healing, there is incredible power. 
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney


On one of my web pages I state that romantic relationships are the greatest arena for Spiritual growth available to us.  I believe that this is the Truth because it is the area that is most important to us.  Recently I saw a communication from the Dalai Lama in which he stated a very simple Truth:  we all want to the same thing, to be happy and feel Loved.  I would simplify that even further to say:  feeling Loved makes us happy - so ultimately we all want the same thing, to feel Loved.

Romantic relationships are not the only type of relationships that we can feel Loved in, of course, but they are the only relationships in which we can completely connect with another being with all the levels of our being: physical, emotional, mental, and Spiritual.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to connect with another being on a physical level.   A Loving God/Goddess/Great Spirit would not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful unless we were meant to enJoy them.  Making Love - becoming one with another being in the moment - is so powerful because it is symbolic of the Highest Truth, that we are all ONE. 

Being sexual with another being without connection on the other levels however, is ultimately pretty empty and shallow - but a shadow of how glorious the uniting can be when there is True Spiritual union, mental connection, and emotional intimacy.

Of these levels of connection, the one that is hardest to achieve because of the dysfunction we were raised in, is the level of emotional intimacy.

When both people in a romantic relationship are in recovery from their emotional wounds and dysfunctional intellectual programming there is the potential for a partnership that touches the Divine - that has moments when the connection is nothing short of Sacred.  The greatest gift of romantic relationships is that they can help us to remember how  much we Truly are Loved - that who we are on the Highest level is LOVE.  Here is a quote from A Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment that I wrote for two friends at the beginning of this year: 

"You are together because you resonate on the same wave lengths, you fit together vibrationally, in such a way that together you form a powerful energy field that helps both of you access the Higher Vibrational Energy of Love, Joy, Light, and Truth - in a way that would be very difficult for either one of you to do by yourself.  You are coming together to touch the face of God.  You are uniting your energies to help you access the Love of the Holy Mother Source Energy.

You are not the source of each other's Love.  You are helping each other to access the LOVE that is the Source."

Whenever two or more are gathered.  The purpose of romantic relationships is Spiritual - and the more that we remember that who we Truly are is Spiritual Beings having a human experience, the more we can enjoy the human part of the interaction including the sexual coming together.

That does not mean that it is bad or wrong if you are presently in a relationship that does not include connection on all levels.  One of the tricky things about romantic relationships is that the only way to really learn to do a romantic relationship in a healthy way is to be in one.  We all need time alone between relationships to process our feelings, do our grieving, and heal our relationship with self - but ultimately, it is only in a relationship that the buttons to our deepest wounds and greatest fears are pushed.  That is why romantic relationships are such a great arena for Spiritual growth - because they are so personal that they bring us face to face with our deepest wounds.

As I say repeatedly in my book and on my web site, we need to take the shame and judgment out of our internal process and realize that we are in boarding school being guided from lesson to lesson on our journey home to Love - to the Divine Source of which we are all perfect parts.  Do not judge yourself for the relationship you are in - or for not being in a relationship.  Maybe the Divine Plan is for you to be in five more relationships before you get into one that will last.  Maybe being alone in this lifetime is healing the Karma we need to heal to be with our Twin Soul in the next lifetime.  We do not, and cannot, know what the Divine Plan is - what we can do is align ourselves with Truth so that we can own the power to Love ourselves more, which gives us the capacity to open up to receiving more Love from others.

The more that we awaken to the Truth that the whole purpose of life is Spiritual - that everything and everyone in our life is a perfect part of our Spiritual growth process - the easier it becomes to allow ourselves to overcome our fears and take the risk (rather that means getting involved in a relationship or leaving one that is not working) that Truly there is a God-Force that has a Loving plan for us that is unfolding perfectly, with no accidents, coincidences, or mistakes.

The more that we have faith in the power of LOVE, the more we are able to take the risk of opening ourselves to Love, the more opportunities we will have to Truly start integrating Spiritual Truth into our human experience.  Then we can have the opportunity to enJoy more fully all of the gifts of this beautiful playground that is the illusion of human life on Earth - including the incredible gift of being able to Touch with Love.  I am going to conclude this article with the end of my Meditation on Romantic Commitment because I feel like it says what I am trying to communicate very well.

"The more you do your healing and follow your Spiritual path the more moments of each day you will have the choice to Truly be present the moment.

And in the moment you can make a choice to embrace and feel the Joy fully and completely and with Gusto.

In any specific moment you will have the power to make a choice to feel the Love in that moment as if you have never been hurt and as if the Love will never go away.

Completely absolutely unconditionally with fearless abandon you can embrace the Love and Joy in the moment.

Glory in it!

Loving is the Grandest, most sublime adventure available to us. 

Lets your hearts sings together. 

Let your souls soar to unimagined heights. 

Wallow in the sensual pleasure of each others bodies. 

Roar with the Joy of being fully alive.

Go for it!!!!"

A Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment
Go to Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 6, Romantic Love as a Concept 

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Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney is copyright 1995.  Material on Joy2MeU web site (except where otherwise noted) is copyright 1996 thru 2008 by Robert Burney  PO Box 235401 Encinitas CA 92023.

This column was originally published on January 4, 2000 on the Inner Child/Codependency Recovery page that I edit for Suite101.com Directory.