"One of the false beliefs that it is
important to let go of, is the belief that we need another person in our
lives to make us whole. As long as we believe that someone else has
the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims."
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls by Robert Burney
One of the first steps to opening up to the
possibility of have a healthy relationship is to start changing the dysfunctional
attitudes and beliefs we learned in childhood. Our attitudes, beliefs,
and definitions set up our expectations and perspectives which in turn
dictate our emotional relationships. In order to change our relationship
patterns we need to change the attitudes and beliefs so that we will stop
expecting the magic of fairy tales in our romantic relationships.
You are not going to live happily-ever-after once
you find your prince or princess. There is no happily-ever-after
on this plane of existence. You may find your prince or princess
but they will have issues to deal with. Relationships are something
that needs to be worked on - not some magic wand that makes everybody happy.
A healthy romantic relationship is based on interdependence.
Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics.
Codependence is about giving away power over our
self-esteem. Taking our self-definition and self-worth from outside
or external sources is dysfunctional because it causes us to give power
over how we feel about ourselves to people and forces which we cannot control.
If my self-esteem is based on people, places,
and things; money, property, and prestige; looks, talent, intelligence;
then I am set up to be a victim. People will not always do what I
want them too; property can be destroyed by an earthquake or flood or fire;
money can disappear in a stock market crash or bad investment; looks change
as I get older. Everything changes. All outside or external
conditions are temporary.
That is why it is so important to get in touch
with our Spiritual connection. To start realizing that we have worth
because we are children of God. That we are all part of the Eternal
ONENESS that is the God Force/Goddess Energy/Great Spirit. We are
Spiritual beings having a human experience - our worth as beings is not
dependent upon any outer or external condition. We are Unconditionally
Loved and we always have been.
The more we can start owning the Truth of who
we really are and integrating it into our relationship with ourselves,
the more we can enjoy this human experience that we are having. Then
we can start learning how to be interdependent - how to give power away
in conscious, healthy ways - because our self-worth is no longer dependent
on outside sources.
Interdependence is about making allies, forming
partnerships. It is about forming connections with other beings.
Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare
and our feelings.
Anytime we care about somebody or something we
give away some power over our feelings. It is impossible to Love
without giving away some power. When we choose to Love someone (or
thing - a pet, a car, anything) we are giving them the power to make us
happy - we cannot do that without also giving them the power to hurt us
or cause us to feel angry or scared.
In order to live we need to be interdependent.
We cannot participate in life without giving away some power over our feelings
and our welfare. I am not talking here just about people. If
we put money in a bank we are giving some power over our feelings and welfare
to that bank. If we have a car we have a dependence on it and will
have feelings if it something happens to it. If we live in society
we have to be interdependent to some extent and give some power away.
The key is to be conscious in our choices and own responsibility for the
The way to healthy interdependence is to be able
to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most
of all ourselves clearly. If we are not working on healing our childhood
wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see
ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life.
The disease of Codependence causes us to keep
repeating patterns that are familiar. So we pick untrustworthy people
to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love.
By healing our emotional wounds and changing our intellectual programming
we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change
our patterns and learn to trust ourselves.
As we develop healthy self-esteem based on knowing
that the Force is with us and Loves us, then we can consciously take the
risk of Loving, of being interdependent, without buying into the belief
that the behavior of others determines our self-worth. We will have
feelings - we will get hurt, we will be scared, we will get angry - because
those feelings are an unavoidable part of life. Feelings are a part of
the human experience that we came here to learn about - they cannot be
avoided. And trying to avoid them only causes us to miss out on the
Joy and Love and happiness that can also be a part of the human experience.
By changing our intellectual paradigm - our attitudes,
beliefs, and definitions - we can stop expecting life to be something it
is not. We can stop expecting relationships to be magic just because
falling in love feels magical. We can start having a realistic view
of relationships which will allow us to be responsible enough to do the
work it takes to work through issues, to keep communication happening,
to form a healthy interdependent partnership with another human being.
It is in taking responsibility and working through issues that the True
magic of emotional intimacy can flower. The sacred magic that is
Love is worth the effort.
Two people consciously working together can be
a very beautiful experience.