"We need to own and release the anger
and rage at our parents, our teachers or ministers or other authority figures,
including the concept of God that was forced on us while we were growing up.
We do not necessarily need to vent that anger directly to them but we need
to release the energy. We need to let that child inside of us scream, "I
hate you, I hate you," while we beat on pillows or some such thing, because
that is how a child expresses anger."
"It is necessary to own and honor the child who we
were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that
is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release
the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."
"We cannot learn to Love without honoring our Rage!
We cannot allow ourselves to be Truly Intimate
with ourselves or anyone else without owning our Grief.
We cannot clearly reconnect with the Light
unless we are willing to own and honor our experience of the Darkness.
We cannot fully feel the Joy unless we are
willing to feel the Sadness.
We need to do our emotional healing, to
heal our wounded souls, in order to reconnect with our Souls on the highest
vibrational levels. In order to reconnect with the God-Force that is
Love and Light, Joy and Truth."
In order to stop reacting to life out of the old wounds and old tapes from
our childhood - to become empowered to live life as a mature adult - it is
necessary to do the inner child healing work. And in order to do the
inner child work we need to be willing to do the grief work. Grief
is energy that needs to be released.
Emotions are energy and that energy needs to be released through
crying and raging. In order to own our self, it is vitally important
to feel our pain, sadness, and rage. If we don't have permission
from ourselves to feel the "negative" feelings then we also cannot feel the
Joy, Love, and happiness.
We need to own and honor the feelings in order to start forgiving
ourselves and start learning how to Love our self. It is very important
to own our feelings about what happened to us. It is extremely
important to own our right to be angry that our needs were not met.
Part of grief work is simply owning/feeling the sadness and the
anger. We need to feel the grief about what happened to us as children
and then we also need to own the grief over what effect it has had on us
as an adult. Grieving is a very different experience from being depressed.
While we are grieving we can still appreciate a beautiful sunset or be happy
to see a friend or be grateful to be sad. Depression is being in a
dark tunnel where there are no beautiful sunsets.
The deep grieving work is energy work. Once we can get out of
our heads and start paying attention to what is happening in our body then
we can start releasing the emotional energy. When we get to a place where
the emotions are coming up - when the voice starts breaking - the first thing
I have to tell people is to keep breathing. We automatically stop breathing
and close our throats when the feelings get close to the surface.
At the point where the voice starts breaking and the eyes start
tearing, the technique is to locate where the energy is concentrated in the
body. It can be any place from head to feet - much of the time it is
in our back because that is where we carry stuff we don't want to look at,
or in the area of the solar plexus (anger or fear) or heart chakra (pain,
broken heart) or chest (sadness). It can be very revealing what side
of the body it is on (right - masculine, left - feminine) or what chakra
it is near.
I tell people to scan their bodies for tension or tightness and
then to breathe directly into the place we have identified. Visualizes
breathing white light directly into that part of the body. That starts breaking
up the energy and little balls of energy start getting released. These
balls of energy are the sobs. This is a terrifying place to be for the ego
because it feels out of control - it is a wonderful place to be from a healing
perspective. Empowering the healing is going with the flow - inhale
the white Light, exhale the sobs. Sobs, tears, snot from the
nose, are all forms of energy being released. You can be in the witness
watching yourself - owning and releasing the emotional energy that has been
trapped in your body - and control the process at the same time you are in
the pain. (It is very important to own the feelings - i.e. give our
self permission to feel them. If we are crying or angry and then shame
our self for those feelings we are abusing ourselves for our wound and replacing
the energy faster than we are releasing it.)
By controlling the process I am referring to choosing to align
self with the energy flow, surrendering to the flow, instead of shutting
it down as the terrified ego wants to do. It is very hard to learn
this process without a safe place to do it, and someone who knows what they
are doing to facilitate it. Once you have learned how to do it then it is
possible to facilitate your own grief processing.
The anger work is also an energy flow process. The bat (tennis
racket, bataka, pillow, whatever) is lifted over the head as you inhale and
then as you hit the pillow you expel the energy - in shout, a grunt, a "fuck
you", a scream, whatever words come to you. Inhale, exhale - open your
throat to say whatever needs to be said. Own your voice. Own
the child's voice. Sometimes the child in us will shout "I hate you,
I hate you." That doesn't mean we necessarily hate the person - it
means we hate how their behavior hurt us.
It is vitally important for us to own our right to be angry about
what happened to us or about the ways we were deprived. If we do not own
our right to be angry about what happened in childhood it greatly impairs
our ability to set boundaries as an adult.
Every time we go into the deep grieving place and release some
of the energy through crying and raging (sometimes we need to rage to get
to the tears or vise versa) we take a little power away from that particular
wound. The next time we touch on that wound it won't be quite as emotional
or terrifying. (This is relative of course, if we have been suppressing
something for many years it may take a number of sessions before we can actually
feel that it has less power.)
It is terrifying to face healing the emotional wounds. It takes
great courage and faith to do the grief work. And it is what
will change our relationship with our self at it's core. Working from
the outside-in (i.e. learning how to have boundaries, be assertive, etc.)
it will take a very long time to change our behavior in our most intimate
relationships. Working from the inside-out by owning and healing our
relationship with ourselves at a causal level - our childhood - will result
in us surprising ourselves because we will start to naturally and normally
own our right to speak up and have boundaries without even having to think
It is our pain. It is our anger. If we don't own it,
then we are not owning our self.