"We need to own and release the anger
and rage at our parents, our teachers or ministers or other authority figures,
including the concept of God that was forced on us while we were growing
up. We do not necessarily need to vent that anger directly to them but
we need to release the energy. We need to let that child inside of us scream,
"I hate you, I hate you," while we beat on pillows or some such thing,
because that is how a child expresses anger."
"It is necessary to own and honor the child who we
were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that
is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release
the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."
"We cannot learn to Love without honoring our Rage!
We cannot allow ourselves to be Truly Intimate
with ourselves or anyone else without owning our Grief.
We cannot clearly reconnect with the Light unless
we are willing to own and honor our experience of the Darkness.
We cannot fully feel the Joy unless we are willing
to feel the Sadness.
We need to do our emotional healing, to heal our
wounded souls, in order to reconnect with our Souls on the highest vibrational
levels. In order to reconnect with the God-Force that is Love and
Light, Joy and Truth."
In order to stop reacting to life out of the old wounds and old tapes
from our childhood - to become empowered to live life as a mature adult
- it is necessary to do the inner child healing work. And in order
to do the inner child work we need to be willing to do the grief work.
Grief is energy that needs to be released.
Emotions are energy and that energy needs to be released through crying
and raging. In order to own our self, it is vitally important to
feel our pain, sadness, and rage. If we don't have permission
from ourselves to feel the "negative" feelings then we also cannot feel
the Joy, Love, and happiness.
We need to own and honor the feelings in order to start forgiving ourselves
and start learning how to Love our self. It is very important to
own our feelings about what happened to us. It is extremely
important to own our right to be angry that our needs were not met.
Part of grief work is simply owning/feeling the sadness and the anger.
We need to feel the grief about what happened to us as children and then
we also need to own the grief over what effect it has had on us as an adult.
Grieving is a very different experience from being depressed. While
we are grieving we can still appreciate a beautiful sunset or be happy
to see a friend or be grateful to be sad. Depression is being in
a dark tunnel where there are no beautiful sunsets.
The deep grieving work is energy work. Once we can get out of our heads
and start paying attention to what is happening in our body then we can
start releasing the emotional energy. When we get to a place where the
emotions are coming up - when the voice starts breaking - the first thing
I have to tell people is to keep breathing. We automatically stop breathing
and close our throats when the feelings get close to the surface.
At the point where the voice starts breaking and the eyes start tearing,
the technique is to locate where the energy is concentrated in the body.
It can be any place from head to feet - much of the time it is in our back
because that is where we carry stuff we don't want to look at, or in the
area of the solar plexus (anger or fear) or heart chakra (pain, broken
heart) or chest (sadness). It can be very revealing what side of
the body it is on (right - masculine, left - feminine) or what chakra it
I tell people to scan their bodies for tension or tightness and then
to breathe directly into the place we have identified. Visualizes
breathing white light directly into that part of the body. That starts
breaking up the energy and little balls of energy start getting released.
These balls of energy are the sobs. This is a terrifying place to be for
the ego because it feels out of control - it is a wonderful place to be
from a healing perspective. Empowering the healing is going with
the flow - inhale the white Light, exhale the sobs. Sobs, tears,
snot from the nose, are all forms of energy being released. You can
be in the witness watching yourself - owning and releasing the emotional
energy that has been trapped in your body - and control the process at
the same time you are in the pain. (It is very important to own the
feelings - i.e. give our self permission to feel them. If we are
crying or angry and then shame our self for those feelings we are abusing
ourselves for our wound and replacing the energy faster than we are releasing
By controlling the process I am referring to choosing to align self
with the energy flow, surrendering to the flow, instead of shutting it
down as the terrified ego wants to do. It is very hard to learn this
process without a safe place to do it, and someone who knows what they
are doing to facilitate it. Once you have learned how to do it then it
is possible to facilitate your own grief processing.
The anger work is also an energy flow process. The bat (tennis racket,
bataka, pillow, whatever) is lifted over the head as you inhale and then
as you hit the pillow you expel the energy - in shout, a grunt, a "fuck
you", a scream, whatever words come to you. Inhale, exhale - open
your throat to say whatever needs to be said. Own your voice.
Own the child's voice. Sometimes the child in us will shout "I hate
you, I hate you." That doesn't mean we necessarily hate the person
- it means we hate how their behavior hurt us.
It is vitally important for us to own our right to be angry about what
happened to us or about the ways we were deprived. If we do not own our
right to be angry about what happened in childhood it greatly impairs our
ability to set boundaries as an adult.
Every time we go into the deep grieving place and release some of the
energy through crying and raging (sometimes we need to rage to get to the
tears or vise versa) we take a little power away from that particular wound.
The next time we touch on that wound it won't be quite as emotional or
terrifying. (This is relative of course, if we have been suppressing
something for many years it may take a number of sessions before we can
actually feel that it has less power.)
It is terrifying to face healing the emotional wounds. It takes great
courage and faith to do the grief work. And it is what will
change our relationship with our self at it's core. Working from
the outside-in (i.e. learning how to have boundaries, be assertive, etc.)
it will take a very long time to change our behavior in our most intimate
relationships. Working from the inside-out by owning and healing
our relationship with ourselves at a causal level - our childhood - will
result in us surprising ourselves because we will start to naturally and
normally own our right to speak up and have boundaries without even having
to think about it.
It is our pain. It is our anger. If we don't own it, then
we are not owning our self.