The purpose of this article is to shine some Light on the gray
areas of emotional honesty and responsibility. Until we get aware
that there are choices in between 1 and 10, then we don't have a choice.
As long as we bouncing between black and white, we miss the gray area entirely.
The gray area is where life takes place. It is important for anyone
in recovery to become aware of all of their choices - of 2 through 9 -
so that we can see ourselves and life as clearly as possible.
We all have a set of ruts in the pathways of our mind that cause us
to slip back into old thinking patterns and perspectives, that cause us to
give power to old tapes. Those ruts do not change as we heal - they
get shallower and easier to get out of - but they don't go away completely.
As we heal our basic underlying patterns don't change substantially, we
just get healthier in those patterns.
"We are never going to meet someone who doesn't have red flags,
who isn't wounded - the healthy behavior is to pay attention and take
responsibility for our choices. To take calculated risks that will
not be "mistakes" or "wrong" but lessons. The more conscious we
get of our choices, the more we release the grief energy / take power away
from the childhood wounds - the more we can trust our self to listen to
our intuition instead of the disease yammering in our head.
And we are never going to completely change our basic patterns - we
get healthier within those patterns. If you are attracted to alcoholics
- then progress is getting involved with a recovering alcoholic.
We are attracted to certain energies for reasons in alignment with The Divine
Plan - our choices in the past felt like mistakes because we weren't aware
that we were at boarding school learning lessons." - The Emotional Dynamics
of Dysfunctional Romantic Relationships
We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which
cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us
personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering
or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly
the ones who will "push our buttons."
This happens because those people feel familiar.
Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the
most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep
repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe
to trust ourselves or other people.
Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth
is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the
emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start
Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating
behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.
Romantic relationships are one issue that can be discussed in relationship
to the rutted perspective of black and white thinking. All of our
issues can be discussed in relationship to certain dynamic patterns of the
disease - polarized black and white thinking is the primary, foundation
rut upon which the dynamics of codependence and recovery can be examined.
In my first attempt at this article it spiraled off into the realm of
Metaphysics - specifically an explanation of the vibrational dynamics
of the growth process from an energetic perspective. An explanation
of how our repeating patterns are in fact a reflection of the Octave Principle
(do, re, me, fa, etc.) in energy interactions dynamics. In our disease
we keep repeating the same octave over and over again - and sometimes even
descending to lower octaves. In recovery we are spiraling upward
to new levels - so that each "do" feels somewhat like the "do" before it,
but in reality reflects a higher vibrational level - a Higher level of
consciousness, a more enlightened perspective.
Interesting stuff, that is a more complex, higher level perspective
of the topic - but not really functional in relationship to the goal of this
article. I want to communicate about some specific facets of discernment
regarding emotional honesty and responsibility as clearly as possible in
a web page of reasonable length. So, that information will be part
of another web article about Higher Consciousness and Enlightenment.
When I will finish it is in the more will be revealed realm, since I have
so many different writing projects percolating.
The point that I want to make about this however, is that in recovery
we are spiraling upward. We go through different levels, different
stages in our growth process. The "do" I hit upon in my discussion
of romantic relationships above, is probably quite a few octaves higher
than where I was when I started recovery - but it still feels somewhat
like, resonates with somewhat the same vibration, as the "do" from over
17 years ago when I got into recovery. (Actually, though the basis
for my codependence recovery was laid in my first few years of recovery
from alcoholism, my conscious codependence recovery began on June 3,
1986 - so it is possible that my relationship to romantic relationships
didn't start ascending until then.) I mention this to emphasis how
important it is to not shame and judge ourselves for how we feel - because
sometimes when we break through to a new level, a new octave, the familiar
feeling / reverberation of it causes the critical parent voice, the
old tapes, to feed us the lie that we have slipped backwards, that we are
at the bottom of the whole process again and have made no progress.
The feeling of shame, of having made a mistake, of failing because we feel
like we are in the same place again emotionally, is a product of the old
wounds and the dysfunctional perspectives of the disease.
We are Spiritual beings having a human experience. Life is not
a test that we can fail. It is a process of learning to accept that
we are Lovable and worthy no matter what we feel. Life is a journey
that we are being guided through, not punishment for being unworthy -
or something we have to do "right" in order to transcend. Recovery
is a process of learning to own that who we are is Transcendent Spiritual
Beings so that we can integrate that Truth into our emotional relationship
with life.
I needed to learn how to set boundaries within,
both emotionally and mentally by integrating Spiritual Truth into my process.
Because "I feel feel like a failure" does not mean that is the Truth.
The Spiritual Truth is that "failure" is an opportunity for growth.
I can set a boundary with my emotions by not buying into the illusion that
what I am feeling is who I am. I can set a boundary intellectually
by telling that part of my mind that is judging and shaming me to shut
up, because that is my disease lying to me. I can feel and release
the emotional pain energy at the same time I am telling myself the Truth
by not buying into the shame and judgment.
If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power
to the "critical parent" voice within that is telling me that I am a failure
- then I can get stuck in a very painful place where I am shaming myself
for being me. In this dynamic I am being the victim of myself and
also being my own perpetrator - and the next step is to rescue myself by
using one of the old tools to go unconscious (food, alcohol, sex, etc.)
Thus the disease has me running around in a squirrel cage of suffering and
shame, a dance of pain, blame, and self-abuse.
By learning to set a boundary with and between
our emotional truth, what we feel, and our mental perspective, what we
believe - in alignment with the Spiritual Truth we have integrated into
the process - we can honor and release the feelings without buying into
the false beliefs.
The more we can learn intellectual discernment
within, so that we are not giving power to false beliefs, the clearer
we can become in seeing and accepting our own personal path. The
more honest and balanced we become in our emotional process, the clearer
we can become in following our own personal Truth.
Stages in recovery
"Writing this article (which appears to require at least three
web pages) has been difficult because of all the levels involved.
I received some e-mails with some basic questions that I wanted to answer
in as complete a manner as possible - but answering some of the basic questions
takes me into some quite advanced levels of recovery. I realized
that I had never really written previously - except for a line or two here
and there in the middle of something else - about such issues as: the misconception
of many recovering people that emotional honesty means we are supposed
to be emotionally honest with all of the people in our lives; or, specifically
about what our responsibilities are in relating
to others." - Emotional
Honesty and Emotional Responsibility part 1
Emotional honesty is the bedrock upon which codependence recovery is
possible. Until we start learning to be emotionally honest with
ourselves, we cannot began to see ourselves or life with any clarity.
The key here is learning to be emotionally honest with ourselves.
That doesn't mean that we need to be emotionally honest with all of the
people in our lives. It is often not safe or functional to be emotionally
honest with people who are not being emotionally honest with themselves,
who are not on some kind of healing / recovery path. And even with
people who are also in recovery it is often not safe to be emotionally honest.
If someone is in recovery from alcoholism/addiction, it is possible
for them to focus on the black and white issue of rather or not they are
drinking and using. This makes it possible for someone to be clean
and sober for many years without being forced to become emotionally honest
with themselves. Many Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are not safe places
to be emotionally honest. It is a sad fact that it is very possible
to be shamed and judged in AA meetings by people who are reacting out of
a rigid, black and white, right and wrong belief system.
It is also unfortunate that some people, who are involved in codependence
or Adult Child recovery, use emotional honesty as an excuse to be abusive.
I have encountered people who claim to have years of codependence recovery
who will use a question like "Do you mind if I share something with you?"
as a way of getting my permission for them to be verbally abusive.
People who will say something abusive, shaming, and/or judgmental - and
then say "Hey, I am just being emotionally honest." These are people
who think they are being emotionally honest but have no concept of emotional
responsibility.
We need to learn to be emotionally honest so that we can take responsibility
for our feelings - not so that we can inflict them on others. When
I first got into recovery, I mistook being rigorously honest in working
my program with being vigorously honest in sharing with others my insights
into their issues. It took me several years in recovery to realize
that sharing my advice or opinions with others - without being asked - can
be abusive.
It is not healthy or appropriate in recovery to use being emotionally
honest as an excuse to abuse other people - including the people who abused
us. Going from being abused to being the abuser is swinging from
one extreme to the other.
Now, we all go through stages in our recovery - as I mentioned in the
first article in this series.
"Discovery, recognition, that we have been victims of abuse
is vital. Rather that is emotional abuse, or any of the other kinds
of abuse that also cause emotional abuse - physical, verbal, mental, sexual,
spiritual. etc. It is vitally important to own our own victimization
- and at some point start getting angry about it. Getting angry
about how the behavior of others has wounded us is a vital step in owning
ourselves - of honoring our Self.
I have often told clients that going from feeling suicidal to feeling
homicidal is a step of progress. It is a stage of the recovery process
that we will move into - and then at some later point will move beyond.
An incest victim transforms into an incest survivor. Owning the anger
is an important part of pulling ourselves out of the depression that turning
the anger back on ourselves has created. It is often necessary to
own the anger before we can get in touch with the grief in a clean and healthy
way. If we haven't owned our right to be angry, it is possible to
get stuck in a victim place of self-pity and martyrdom, of complaining and
gathering sympathetic allies - instead of taking action to change.
So, it is very important to own our right to be angry. That is
a stage of the process that also needs to be moved through so we don't get
stuck in an angry victim place. In order to heal, it is usually not
necessary to confront our abusers. For some people it is an important
part of the process to confront their abusers with their anger. Hopefully
this can be done in an appropriate therapeutic environment - although
sometimes that is not possible. What is important to emphasis, is
that we can heal without confronting our abusers directly - because the
relationship that needs to be healed is within. To go to a place
where we are lashing out at our abusers will often be just going to the
other extreme - where we abuse the people who abused us.
There was a point in my codependence recovery where I would rage in
AA meetings at old timers who were shaming and emotionally abusive out
of their untreated codependence - their rigid, controlling, black and white
thinking. That was a stage in my recovery that I outgrew - that I
realized was not healthy. It was not bad or wrong (although the behavior
was sometimes something I needed to make amends for afterwards) - it was
a stage in a growth process. I learned to confront that kind of behavior
in a gentler, kinder - and more effective - way as I grew.
Sometimes in our growth we find ourselves lashing out and being abusive.
When that happens we can make amends for how we expressed ourselves
- we never have to apologize for having the feelings. We cannot
go from repressing our feelings and being emotionally dishonest to communicating
perfectly in one step. Communicating in an appropriate way is something
we learn gradually - and something we will never do perfectly every time."
- Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility part 1
Sharing my opinions and advice without being asked in early recovery
was a stage I went through. Raging in Alcoholic Anonymous meetings
was a stage I went through. Getting in touch with our feelings can
be a messy process. It is vitally important to learn to own ourselves
and our feelings. While we are doing that, there will be times when
we express our feelings in ways that we later need to make amends for.
We will sometimes need to apologize for the manner in which we expressed
ourselves, and/or the timing of our expression - we do not have to apologize
for our feelings.
We are not responsible for other peoples feelings. We do have
some responsibility in how we communicate and when we communicate.
For example: if we use abusive language, profanity, or name calling
in our communication; if we scream and yell; if we throw or break
things; if we communicate in front of other people instead of to that
person privately; if we express ourselves at a time when the other
person is particularly vulnerable; etc.
We also have responsibility for the perspectives which we are empowering
that are causing us to react emotionally to the other person. We
have responsibility for separating out grief and rage caused by wounds from
the past that the other person is triggering, from the part of our reaction
that is about them now.
We may need to go back to that person and say something like these examples:
I want to make amends to you for how intensely I expressed
my feelings to you. What you said to me was inappropriate and abusive
- and was not acceptable to me, but the intensity of my reaction was caused
by the fact that you triggered an old wound from my past. Thank
you for helping me get in touch with the old wound that needs some more
attention and healing - but also know that that saying things like that
is not OK. I will not allow you to talk to me like that.
I want to make amends to you for reacting out of a victim place.
Your behavior was unacceptable to me, and I had a right to be hurt - but
I reacted by blaming you for my feelings and that is something which I
am learning to stop doing. So, I am sorry my reaction came from such
a black and white perspective because it was not helpful in communicating
with you about why your behavior bothered me.
These are very general examples, and in actual practice it is best
to use the guidelines that I talk about in my page on setting personal boundaries.
That is: describe the behavior specifically rather than our interpretation
of the behavior - both their behavior and our own.
I am sorry I called you a ____ (profane name) when you told
that joke about ____. I felt hurt, discounted, put down, violated,
angry, and shamed. I found what you said offensive and unacceptable
- but it was not appropriate for me to use that kind of language in expressing
myself.
Responsibility
In early recovery, I used to refer to responsibility as the R word.
It was a trigger word for me that carried shame and judgment. I thought
of it as having chains hanging off of it because being responsible to
me seemed to mean being what society (and my parents) wanted me to be.
That I wasn't living up to those expectations seemed to reinforce my feeling
that I was unworthy and defective. It was only in my codependence
recovery that I came to realize that such behavior as not getting the grades
I could have in school was in reality a passive aggressive retaliation towards
my parents - the "I'll show you, I'll get me" battle cry of codependence.
And I came to understand that not fitting into society's idea of how to
live life and define success, was in reality being true to myself by not
conforming to standards that did not resonate with me.
It was a big relief for me in recovery to encounter another perspective
on the term responsibility that allowed me to change my relationship with
the word and the concept it embodied.
As long as we are reacting to old wounds and old
tapes we cannot respond to the now. The more we heal, the more responsibility
we have - that is, ability to respond. The ability to respond in
the moment.
As a little boy I got the message from my father's perfectionistic standards
and raging verbal abuse, and from my shameful inability to fulfill the
role of surrogate spouse and protector for my mother, that there was something
wrong with me. I was raised in a religion that taught me that I
was born shameful and sinful, and if I did something "wrong" I would burn
in hell forever. Because of my fear of doing it "wrong," of making
shameful mistakes, I did not want to take responsibility for my life.
Because of my emotional wounds and all of the anger and rage I was suppressing,
I was powerless to do anything but react to life. I reacted to expectations
by passive aggressively sabotaging myself. I rebelled against society's
standards in ways that hurt me.
I did not trust myself for good reasons - because of the reactive way
I was living my life. I did not want to take responsibility for
my life, for my choices and the consequences of those choices, so I set
other people up to make the choices. That way I had someone to blame.
Blaming others - or the system or whatever - was a defense. I
was stuck in the black and white perspective of the disease.
Being honest with myself emotionally led me to wallowing in self hatred
- blaming myself for being unworthy and defective, for being a loser and
a failure. Focusing on something or someone outside of me, that I
could blame for victimizing me or obsess about because it/she would fix
me (relationship, money, success, etc.), was an attempt to avoid having
to feel the incredible hole within me - the abyss of wish to die pain and
shame, the pressurized Pandora's box of terror and rage, that I had to keep
suppressing and denying. Survival involved using whatever means I could
to go unconscious and/or deflect the blame away from me. Unconsciousness
was my main tool for protecting and nurturing myself - my only real escape
from the emotional extremes spawned by the black and white thinking of codependence.
In my personal journey, I had to encounter the concept that I was not
shameful and defective as a being but rather had a disease that I had
been powerless over, before I could start to shine some light into the
darkness of the abyss within me. Working a 12 step program of recovery
taught me that it was necessary - and it worked much better - to take
responsibility for my life, for my choices, for the consequences of those
choices. Starting to be open to the possibility that perhaps there
is a Loving Higher Power, that I wasn't being punished but was rather
being given opportunities for growth - helped me to start letting go of
some of the fear of making choices and some of the shame about the consequences
I had experienced.
When I got into recovery I was launched into an adventure of discovering
and exploring the gray area that is life. I learned that it was
possible to take responsibility over behaviors and choices that I had
made from a place of powerlessness without taking blame for those experiences.
I learned that there were choices in between blaming them or blaming me.
We need to heal the wounds without blaming others.
And we need to own the responsibility without blaming ourselves. . . .
We are talking about balance between the emotional and mental here again.
Blame has to do with attitudes, with buying into the false beliefs - it
does not really have anything to do with the process of releasing the emotional
energy.
We also need to own and release the anger against
those whom we feel victimized us as adults - and we need to take responsibility
for our side of the street, own our part in whatever dysfunctional dance
we did with them.
We need to own, honor, and release the feelings,
and take responsibility for them - without blaming ourselves.
I learned that my emotional reactions were being set up by my expectations
and perspectives - which in turn were dictated by the definitions, beliefs,
and attitudes I was allowing to define my experience of life. I
was horrified to discover that my behavior patterns were being driven
by, my emotional reactions were set up by, subconscious programming from
my childhood.
"Our experiential reality is determined by the interpretations
of our mind - by the intellectual paradigm which we are using to define
/ determine / translate / explain our reality. The attitudes, definitions,
and belief systems which we hold mentally dictate our emotional reactions."
- The True Nature of Love-part 4,
Energetic Clarity
I started to become empowered to change my relationship with myself
and life when I started realizing that I have choices about the beliefs I
allow to dictate my relationships. Instead of living life in reaction
to old tapes - I could change that programming.
By changing that programming, it was possible for me to start taking
responsibility for the areas of my life that I can have some control over,
that I do have the power to change - and I could start to let go of trying
to control things which I don't have the power to change.
I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer
backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which I
had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility
(except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over
which I can have some degree of control. Having some control is not
a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have no
control is what is dysfunctional. It was very important for me to
start learning how to recognize the boundaries of where I ended and other
people began, and to start realizing that I can have some control over my
internal process in ways that are not shaming and judgmental - that I can
stop being the victim of myself.
The areas over which I do have choices - and therefore also have responsibility
- include these:
The timing and manner in which I communicate with others.
The attitudes, definitions, and beliefs that I allow to define me and
my relationships.
My own emotions to a great extent. By being willing to change
my relationship with my own emotions by changing my intellectual paradigm
and becoming willing to face the terror of owning my grief - doing the
grief and anger release work that took power away from my old wounds - I
have a much greater deal of control over how and when I express myself emotionally.
I also gain the ability to let go much more quickly of any expectations or
perspectives that are increasing the intensity of my emotional reactions
- therefore decreasing the power and magnitude of the emotional energy generated
by day to day life events. Owning my power to change my attitudes
towards the things which I cannot change (other people and life, being human
and having feelings) gives me a degree of healthy control over how I respond
emotionally. Our life experience will always include waves that rock
our boat. Learning to accept, respond to, and go with the flow of the
waves works to help us have more peace and Joy in our lives. Taking
the waves personally and reacting out of fear and shame is dysfunctional if
our desire is to enjoy life.
I have the choice to align my willpower with recovery so that I can
take actions that are aligned with healing and recovery instead of engaging
in behavior that empowers the disease. Recovery is a process of
learning to take care of ourselves in Loving, healthy ways - of being our
own best friend and ally - instead of being allied with, and giving power
to, the self destructive reactions of the disease.
The people that I choose to spend time with. That includes family
members. I have a choice about rather I have contact with my family
of origin. If we don't own we have a choice then we will feel like
a victim of what we think we "have to" do. So, if I choose to spend
time with my family (or anyone) knowing they are unhealthy, then I am responsible
for the feelings I experience in our interactions - they are not doing
something to me. In recovery I have choices - and choices
have consequences. It is not a right / wrong, blame / mistake thing
- it is about owning my side of the street, my part of the responsibility
for the consequences that are manifesting in my life, so that I do not buy
into a victim perspective and slip back into the rut of blaming them or blaming
me. If I am blaming, then I am not seeing reality clearly within the
context of my Spiritual growth process. Consequences are the Universe's
way of giving us feedback so that we can learn to make healthier choices.
Consequences are messages from our Higher Power that guide us on our Journey
home to Love.
I also have a responsibility to the people I choose to spend
time with. I have a responsibility to communicate as clearly and
honestly as possible. That does not just mean verbal or written communication.
It also means the messages I am conveying by my actions. One of my
old patterns was to have an emotional intimate friend who was a woman that
I was not attracted to physically / romantically. I would be real
clear in telling this person that I was not interested in that type of relationship
and that I wanted to just be friends. Then I would feel betrayed when
that person let me know that she wanted to be more than just friends.
I used to fall back on the excuse that I had told them clearly and therefore
I wasn't responsible for their feelings. I learned that setting a
boundary verbally was not enough to absolve me of responsibility of my actions.
I was not responsible for their feelings, but in investing time and energy
into the relationship, in exposing myself to them emotionally / being intimate
with them on an emotional level, I was denying a basic reality of human
interaction and setting myself up to feel like a victim. (The belief that
our intense emotional hunger and incredibly powerful sexual energies will
not come into play in an emotionally intimate relationship between individuals
of the opposite sex - or same sex if homosexual - is an insane expectation
as unrealistic as expecting everyone to drive the way we want them to.
Denial is one extreme - letting our desires rule is the other. The
gray area in between is where life takes place, is the arena we are learning
to play in.)
Most importantly, I have some control over, and therefore responsibility
for, the quality of my life experiences today. The quality of my
life experience is directly related to the kind of Spiritual belief system
that I choose to empower. By choosing to believe in a Loving Higher
Power / Universal Force, I have been able to change my relationship with
myself and life into one that is not defined by shame and fear. By
choosing to empower the belief that everything happens for a reason in alignment
with a Loving Divine plan, that there are no accidents, coincidences, or
mistakes, I have accessed the ability to be more Loving to my self.
To - some of the time - be accepting and patient and compassionate towards
my human self. By choosing to have the faith to believe that there
is a Loving meaning and purpose to life - despite all the seeming evidence
to the contrary - I have dramatically changed the quality of my life experience
from a hell to be endured to one that includes a great deal of Joy.
One of the ironies of this whole business is
something that physicists have learned from quantum physics. They
have learned that the physical world is made up of energy fields that
are temporary manifestations of energy interactions. All of the energy
fields of the physical world are temporary. Some last for fractions
of a second, some last for billions of years - but they are all temporary
illusions.
This means that the Truest reality in the physical
world is in the interaction. It is in our interactions that we can
access Truth and Joy and Love. In other words it is in our relationships.
The most real thing here, the place where the
highest Truth exists, is in the interactions: in our relationships.
Our relationship with ourselves is a reflection of our relationship with
our Creator, with the Great Spirit. And our relationship with ourselves
is reflected out into our relationship with everyone and everything in our
environment.
Spirituality is about relationships. God
exists in the quality of our relationships.
When I look at a beautiful sunset - I am a temporary
illusion and the sunset is also a temporary illusion - the most real,
God-like quality is the energy of Beauty and Joy that I allow myself to
access by being open and willing to experience the sunset. If I am
caught up in one of my ego's "trauma dramas," then I will not be conscious
of the sunset or open to experiencing the Joy and Beauty of the moment.
A very important part of this healing process
is taking time to smell the flowers. Our job is to be here in the now
and to do this healing.
I spent most of my life trying to become - perfect,
loved, accepted, respected, etc., etc. It did not work because I
was looking outside for something that can only be found within.
Now I know that I am not in control of this process
and that what I am becoming is in the hands of a Loving (although somewhat
slow-working) Great Spirit. I do not have to worry anymore about
becoming - all I have to do is be. I just have to suit up and show
up for life today and do what is in front of me. And everything will
work out better than I could ever have planned it.
Of course, we only have choices once we become aware that we have choices,
and we can only start responding to life instead of reacting by being
in recovery and doing the emotional healing. Our growth process evolves
over time, and as we reach new levels we become empowered to have more
choices. These are areas that we are learning to take responsibility
for - not right and wrong standards to judge ourselves by. The disease
will always take any new awareness on our part and try to turn it into something
we can judge and shame ourselves for - it is important to own that we are
in process making progress and to defend ourselves from the critical parent
voice.
It is necessary and healthy to take responsibility
for our choices, to accept our consequences, and to try to make healthy
decisions on a human level. Integration and balance involves a process
of learning to accept healthy responsibility on a human level at the same
time that we know we are being guided by a Loving Spiritual Force.
