Joy to You & Me
and Joy2MeU Update
Beautiful Spiritual Being,
As I am sitting here trying to get clear on where to start
in writing this Update, I leaned back in my chair and gazed upward - and my
focus went to the calendar on my wall. The picture on that calendar
for the month of March is of a magnificent buck deer.
Therein lies the tale.
The starting point has always been a key for me when I am writing.
The elements of what I want to try to communicate, the issues I need to process
through, the points I want to make - all of these things are bubbling in
my consciousness for a period of time before I actually start writing.
But in order to actually begin the writing, it has always been necessary
for me to find the right starting point. In the articles I have written,
that usually meant the right quote from my book to set the tone at the beginning
of the article. In the Newsletter portion of my Updates, it has been
something that will force me to focus on the issues I need to address in
my recovery at the time I am writing.
In observing the process I am going through for writing about
my process here this morning, I was led back through some old quotes to my
Update for May of 2001.
"As I said in the Update part of this Newsletter,
my process, and especially my writing, can be like finding my way through
a labyrinth. (And it just occurred to me, may be what some people's
experience of my web site is like.;-)
It is perfect that I was led to that Newsletter, because that one starts
off with this quote:
Writing about this level of recovery for me is like
exploring some kind of labyrinth at times - each twist and turn I follow leads
to a new perspective, to a different facet - and just when I think I am finished,
I turn a corner and am headed back into the maze. - Joy2MeU Update
I have periods where I can't write at all - and then when I need to write,
I have great resistance to getting started. . . . . . . . Once the
floodgates open, what I try to do, is direct the flow of my writing towards
the goal I have in mind. An article focused on a specific area, or
my Update Newsletter or whatever. I have some points I want to make,
and I choose a starting point and then leap into the labyrinth." -
Joy2MeU Update 5-23-01 Newsletter
"Hi everybody. I hope you are finding some moments
of Joy in your life adventure today. I am having a heaven of a good
time myself. I have really been enjoying my life this last few months.
In fact, someone in my home group here in town - which is a Narcotics Anonymous
meeting - had heard me talking about how much I was enjoying life and how
grateful I was, for so many weeks that she made the assumption that I was
in love. She asked me on the way out of a meeting a couple of weeks
ago how my relationship was going. I said, "Are you kidding me!
I have been talking about how much I am enjoying life - would I be doing
that if I was in a relationship?"
Hearing that come out of my mouth was the red flag that set the tone for
what I needed to write about in that Update - which was, pretty obviously,
my fear of intimacy. And the process writing about my fear of intimacy
that it sparked led to 3 separate Newsletters for that Update and then another
3 long pages in "My Unfolding Dance" - the personal journal section of my
Interesting come back, don't you think? . . . . . " -
Joy2MeU Update 5-23-01
And guess what it is that I need to do some processing about
in this Update Newsletter - my fear of intimacy.
"Suffice it to say, for right now, that in that February
Update I will share with you how my codependency has been causing me to sabotage
my relationship - and how my devious Higher Power has orchestrated it all
perfectly to put me at the brink of a huge breakthrough. It is possible
right now for me to choose to take some actions that will be the next steps
in opening my heart to someone who is capable of Loving me back. This
is so exciting!!!!! Also TERRIFYING!!!!! Another "empty handed
leap into the Void" milestone surrender on my Spiritual Path."
That "February Update" has become this March Update - and I sit here getting
ready to make that leap into the Void / labyrinth that in the course of
this writing will take me full circle back to that magnificent buck deer
that was the spark that I needed to get started this morning. The Newsletter
portion of this Update will be what it has always been for me - my processing
about my process for me, which I choose to share with you. Anyone who
does not like my style of writing, or the labyrinth that my writing becomes
at times, can skip that part of this Update. (A bit of defensiveness
there, due to some recent critical feedback from several fronts - something
I will probably talk about in the Newsletter processing.)
I will quickly bring you up to date on the news and additions
that are what the Update portion of this Update Newsletter is about, before
I go into my process writing.
The quote about the surrender point that I am at on my Spiritual
Path right now comes from the Help in keeping Codependence: The Dance of
Wounded Souls in print page I posted on January 11th. The response that I
received from that appeal was enough to allow me to pay the final installment
on the printing and take delivery of 3150 copies of the newest printing of The Dance on January 18th.
Hurrah!!!! And a big THANK YOU to those of you who found it in your
hearts to demonstrate your gratitude for, and support of, my book and work.
On March 1, I announced the dates for
Training Day workshops here in San Diego into September. Doing
the workshops has been very gratifying and they have been very positively
received - as you can see on my Intensive Testimonial page. I did learn that scheduling
3 of them in less than 2 months - as I did between December 30th and February
18th - was spacing them a bit too close together. Thus the upcoming
ones - March 24th, May 5th, June 9, July 21, and September 1 - are spaced
5 to 6 weeks apart. The attendance at the January and February ones
was less than I would prefer - but the experience of them was not diminished
by the size of the groups. They are fulfilling and magical for me
to do with even just a handful of people - and potentially life transforming
for the participants no matter what the size of the group. At this
time, there aren't any plans to do Intensives at other locations - and I
don't foresee being able to take it on the road again unless, or until, my
financial circumstances change enough to make that practical.
My attempts to start inner child healing grief
groups as a follow up to the Intensives has kind of been sputtering.
There was enough interest from Intensive alumni to get 2 or 3 groups started,
but the hunt for appropriate space the last few months has been frustrating
- and then once I found a space that will work, the logistics of working out
a schedule that will fit for people, combined with a number of the people
who really want to do the work but don't have the finances at this time -
are factors that contribute to making it difficult to get the groups up and
running. Another factor is that so many of the people that have attended so
far are not local enough to make the drive to groups a number of weeks in
a row. (Besides the people from all parts of California that have attended,
there have now been people that have attended the Intensives from
Canada and Mexico, from Pennsylvania, New York, North Carolina,
Michigan, Texas, Washington, Oregon, Virginia, Delaware, Massachusetts, Oklahoma,
and Nevada - and in the next one, March 24th, Arizona will be added to the
list as well as attendees from Virginia and Texas again.)
I am hoping - and putting it out to the Universe to try to
create the reality - that we will get a Saturday afternoon group started on
March 31st. Anyone who would be interested could then meet the prerequisite
by attending the Intensive on the 24th. I have 2 people committed
now and only need one more to make that group a go. (The minimum number
for these grief groups is 3 - the maximum 5.) (It does appear that the Saturday afternoon group will start
on the 31st - and there is a possibility of a Saturday evening group also.)
If I don't get the weekend groups started by early April, I
will probably lose the space that I have lined up now - which may or may not
be a good thing. It would actually probably be better to have an office
that I can have access to on more days than just weekends, so that I could
do an evening groups during the week. So, I am still looking for potential
spaces, and if anyone in San Diego has such a space, or knows of one, please
let me know. (760-230-1821)
It will be easier to get the groups going, and to get more
local people to the Intensives, once the Universe manifests the financial
resources to do some local advertising. I have left the Help
page up in case anyone wants to make a donation to our advertising budget
- or as I mention on that page, to help solve the problem of my aging computer.
As I note on that page, giving and receiving is part of one energy flow -
and to keep the energy flowing I give back gifts of subscriptions to the pay
to view sections of my site (Joy2MeU
Journal or Dancing
in Light), a spiral bound copy of the articles that make up the inner child e-book - Inner Child Healing The
Path to Empowerment, Inner Peace, and Freedom from the Past (not available
for sale in hard copy any place - I have them bound as a hand out for my Intensives),
and a very special deal for people who contribute a certain amount.
Speaking of the inner child e-book, we have taken some small
steps towards being able to produce an audio version of either that collection
of articles and/or of the follow up to Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls entitled Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light (part
of the Dancing
in Light section) - and also possibly come up with edited versions
that I could submit to publishers. More will be revealed about that.
My more immediate concern is to get more copies of the CD version of The
Dance which have been out of stock for several weeks. I am hoping those
arrive this week. (The CDs did arrive on Wednesday
In the New category of additions to the
site are some recent comments to I added to the page The decline of Co-Dependents Anonymous
that is linked from my finding CoDA meetings page (and we have now started
a CoDA meeting here in San Diego.) On the page with information about
healing grief groups, I share some of my history in relationship to how
doing the emotional release / grief process work saved my life. In the
news category is a Treatment Center in Australia that just ordered a significant
number of my books - bookstore page.
Various other additions are listed in the right hand column.
New to, and news of, the web site since the November 2006 Update include:
News: As a result of readers response to a request for Help in keeping Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls in print, a new printing
of the book was delivered.
Announcement: Intensive Training Days
are scheduled for San Diego on March 24th, May 5th, June 9, July 21, and
Update on the evolution of the Intensive
on the Intensive Testimonial page as well as the testimonials
from recent Intensives.
Inner child healing grief
groups are beginning at the end of March.
A new set of diverse and interesting
links was added to the recommended links page.
Some recent comments added to The decline of Co-Dependents Anonymous
that is linked from my finding CoDA meetings page.
A new batch of wonderful Testimonials for the book, tapes, and web site.
Some new testimonials added to
the Telephone counseling testimonial
A Treatment Center in Australia
that just ordered a significant number of my books - bookstore page.
New resources in Canada and England added
to referral to local resources page.
Links to past Update Newsletters for the
Joy2MeU site (launched February 4, 1999) can be found on the Information index page - and also at the
bottom of the site index page.
Links to the Newsletters of my original Joy to You & Me web site (launched
February 28, 1998) can be found on the Joy to You &
Me page which list pages from that site not moved to Joy2MeU.
Journal - a body of work in a password protected part of the site where
Robert shares the story of his Spiritual Path, a personal recovery journal,
and portions of his Trilogy and Attack on America books not available on
regular Joy2MeU site.
In September 2005 I created this new section of my site. It includes 28
pages that were formerly on Joy2MeU.com that are now in this password protected
pay to view section of the site - including the last 13 chapters of Codependency
Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light Book 2 A Dysfunctional
Relationship with Life, the last 10 Chapters from the online book: Attack
on America - A Spiritual Healing Perspective and Call for Higher Consciousness
and the final 4 articles of the series of articles on The True Nature of
It is now 4:27 AM on March 5th - and I have
been up working on this for a couple of hours now. As I mention in the
quote above about needing to look at my fear of intimacy again (a quote from my Help in keeping Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls in print page, which now
is part of an additional Newsletter page that is going to follow this one), I realized that my fear of intimacy had been causing me
to sabotage my relationship - and that I would be writing about what was happening
in this Update (which I thought I would finish in early February.) Even
yesterday morning - Sunday March 4th - when I wrote the bulk of the Update
above, I thought that what this Newsletter was going to be focused upon was
fear of intimacy.
What I realized this morning though, was that
what I really need to focus on is something much more fundamental - that
is, in fact, a cause of my fear of intimacy. That is, my relationship
with myself as a man. That is the tale I need to tell - the message
that came from looking up yesterday morning and seeing that magnificent buck
deer on my calendar.
5:08 AM March 7th: In order to write I need to get into a focused space
during a time which I won't get interrupted for a period of hours. In
the years when I wrote so much of the material that is on my site - the years
that I was living alone in relative isolation - I would get up at 1 or 2
or 3 in the morning to write until 10 or 11. Now that I have a family
- and a 2 year old to take care of - the early morning hours are the only
time I have to really write. But I only have uninterrupted time until
about 6:30 or 7 when the baby wakes up, and then I need to start getting
Darien ready to go to the Montessori school he has been attending.
I didn't get any writing done yesterday morning because the little man has
a tooth coming in and had a very rough night of it - which meant less sleep
for Susan and I, and no writing time.
As I mentioned here in what I wrote on the 5th, I am needing to focus
some attention on my relationship with myself as a man, with my relationship
with my own masculine energy. That does not preclude the need for
me to do some processing about my fear of intimacy issues and how they have
been affecting me in recent months however . So, I have created a separate
page, an addendum to this Update, which I am going to use as a vehicle for
doing the processing I need to do - which of course will also fit in perfectly
with what I will be processing about on the remainder of this page.
In both cases, a lot of the processing I need to do will involve
me rereading and remembering levels I have processed through previously -
revisiting layers that I have worked through - to gain new perspectives
on the insights. In the quote within the quote above (next page now) - from the Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy article that I wrote
in the summer of 1998 - I mention the layers and levels of the healing
process as I have experienced it. The layers are much more subtle as
I grow, but even subtle changes in my perspectives of an issue changes my
perspective - and therefore my relationships - with other interrelated issues.
"The only way that we can be in recovery from codependency
is to start changing the way we are looking at, and relating to, our self.
We have to get more conscious of what is going on inside of us in order to
change how we are relating to our self - so that we can change the way we
relate to life and other people.
In the evolution of my writing for the internet (which I will touch on
in the additional page I will be adding) I ended up finding it invaluable
to my recovery, and very valuable to many people reading my site, to process
in writing. The way things evolved, I ended up demonstrating processing
- and role modeling that it is okay to be human - by writing on an intimate
level about my recovery process. There have always been many people
who found it valuable, but also some who found it irritating. There
was one person who referred to it as babble.
In other words, we need to start taking responsibility for our
own lives. We need to start owning our power to change our relationship
with self. We need to start learning how to make choices instead
of just react. We can have the ability to respond - response ability
- to life differently once we start becoming more conscious.
And the key to becoming more conscious is to start learning how
to process what is going on in our lives in a way that will give us more clarity.
"The process of processing is a dynamic that in many ways
is easier to demonstrate over time than it is to explain. Explaining
it on an intellectual level is complicated and difficult because the process
itself involves being able to look at multiple levels. The recovery
process is spiritual, emotional, and mental. These levels are separate
but intimately interrelated.
Consciousness involves being actively conscious of how different parts
of us are reacting to whatever is happening in our lives at any particular
moment. I learned that I needed to observe / keep scanning / paying
attention to / taking inventory of, what was happening in my internal dynamic
and in my external environment continually in order to be on guard so that
I wasn't allowing the old tapes and wounds from the past to define and dictate
my experience of life today.
In learning how to achieve some emotional balance in our lives,
it is necessary to be able to look at our self, our own inner process, and
the life dynamic itself, from different perspectives. It is this looking
at different levels that is the process of processing. Processing
is a matter of looking at, filtering, discerning, getting clear about what
is happening at any given moment in our relationship with life, with ourselves,
with everything that is stimulating us." - The Recovery Process for inner
child healing 1: Sharing
my experience, strength, and hope
"It is in relationship to learning how to set internal
boundaries that the process of processing is so important. Processing
involves observing our own internal dynamic. Observing our thoughts
and feelings. It is very important to raise our consciousness, to become
more conscious, of our own process.
Codependency is not an issue we deal with and then get on with our lives.
Recovery is a way of life. It is necessary to move through our life
with consciousness in order to stop the childhood programming from running
our lives. The more we recover, the less power the old tapes and old
wounds have - but they do not go away.
When we start observing our internal process then we can start
discerning between the different levels involved - we can start separating
out the codependent, dysfunctional messages from the information that is useful
and informative. Then we can start setting internal boundaries within
the mental, between the mental and emotional, and within the emotional levels
of our being." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing 4 - the process
of processing - internal boundaries
It is through healing our inner child, our
inner children, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change
our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. We can release
the grief with its pent-up rage, shame, terror, and pain from those feeling
places which exist within us.
That does not mean that the wound will ever
be completely healed. There will always be a tender spot, a painful
place within us due to the experiences that we have had. What it does
mean is that we can take the power away from those wounds. By
bringing them out of the darkness into the Light, by releasing the energy,
we can heal them enough so that they do not have the power to dictate how
we live our lives today. We can heal them enough to change the quality
of our lives dramatically. We can heal them enough to Truly be happy,
Joyous and free in the moment most of the time.
(All text in this color are quotes from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
In recovery we are developing a sense of balance, a feeling for
what balance feels like, so that we can catch ourselves when we are swinging
out of balance. We are here to experience being human and to do this
healing. If we are not in recovery, then we can not be consciously
present in the moment to enjoy our journey. I did not title my book
the "dance" of wounded souls just out of poetic whimsy - life is a dance.
"Emotional balance is not a destination. It is a
constantly changing dance. In doing our reprogramming intellectually,
and our emotional and Spiritual healing - we are changing the music of our
dance. We are choosing to have the opportunity to dance with Love and
Joy, to dance in Light and Truth - instead of in darkness and disharmony.
In order to have the capacity to dance with Love and Joy, we must first be
willing to dance with our anger and fear, with the pain and sadness.
Through owning our wounded inner children, we get to uncover and release
the spontaneous, playful, Joyous Spiritual child within that is the one who
will lead us home to LOVE.
The more conscious we become, the more we can relax and enjoy the journey.
Balance in dancing is about having a feeling for equilibrium,
moving in harmony, adjusting, balancing, rebalancing. Likewise our inner
dance of finding balance is an ongoing process - ever changing, fluctuating,
oscillating in tune with the vibrational rhythms. Once we learn to
have a sense of balance, a feeling for emotional clarity, then we are able
to adjust and rebalance more quickly when some external (life event, other
people's behavior) or internal (wounded child reaction, old tape kicking
in) stimuli throws us out of balance." - The Recovery Process for inner child
healing 4 - the process of
processing - internal boundaries
"The healthier we get, the more emotional healing we do,
the less extreme our emotional reaction / response spectrum grows. The
growth process works kind of like a pendulum swinging. The less we
buy into the toxic shame and judgment, the less extreme the swings of the
pendulum become. The arc of our emotional pendulum becomes gentler,
and we can return to emotional balance much quicker and easier. But
we don't get to stay in the balance position. Life is always rocking
our boat - setting our emotional pendulum to swinging. By not taking
life events and other peoples behavior so seriously and personally, by observing
our process with some degree of detachment instead of getting so hooked into
the trauma drama soap opera victimology that is a reaction to our childhood
wounds, we learn to not give so much power over our emotions to outside influences
In my latest article on Suite 101 (refers to: Serenity - Accepting the things we
cannot change) I talk about how 90% of the stress in my life before codependency
recovery was caused by the attitudes and beliefs I was empowering.
Once I got aware of how my perspectives and expectations (which were reactions
to my childhood programming and emotional wounds and therefore something
I was powerless over until I got conscious of them) were setting me up to
be a victim, then I could start owning the power to change my emotional experience
of life . Then I could start to take responsibility for my life and
eliminate the stress that I was creating in reaction to dysfunctional programming." - Joy2MeU
Update August 2002
I have choices today in regard to how I am relating to myself,
to other people, to life. I am able to accept the things I cannot change
much more quickly, and change the primary thing which I have the power to
change - that is, my attitude toward the things I cannot change - so that
I do not get caught up in a victim perspective. By not buying into the
illusion that I am a victim - of myself, of other people, of life - my emotional
swings stay on a much evener keel and I experience
a much gentler emotional spectrum in my day to day relationship with life."
- Discernment in relationship
to emotional honesty and responsibility 1
"The processing I did last June (in my Update Newsletters)
and July (here in this journal) got me in touch with one way I was setting
myself up to be unavailable for romantic relationship. I realized
in writing this, that I hadn't ever really summed those realizations up very
well. I tend to get off into explanations of the process - which is
helpful to readers I hope - and kind of lose track of the issues I am processing
about for a while anyway, though I usually end up back at them. Sorry,
about that. One of my phone counseling clients the other day - a person
who has found a wealth of help in reading my pages and has described the phone
counseling experience as making the words from my book and site kind of leap
off the page and come alive for him - mentioned that there was one of my
pages where I just kind of seemed to be babbling. I am pretty sure
he was talking about one of the Newsletter pages where I was processing -
since he doesn't subscribe to this Journal. Perhaps that is what my
processing pages - in this journal, and in certain Update Newsletters - comes
across as. Hopefully, you all do find this babble useful. ;-)"
- - Joy2MeU Journal: The Path of one Recovering Codependent
~ the dance of one wounded soul My Unfolding Dance 13 July 2, 2002
As I said above, if you don't like my indulgent style of processing - if
you have ADD or something - then go in peace and blessed be. I am
going to keep doing what works for me - and hopefully being able to communicate
to the people that do get my writing, that codependency recovery is a holistic,
multi-faceted experience. Recovery is an ongoing dance of uncovering
and discovering - and ongoing dance of working to try to stay in balance
enough to find some enjoyment in this life journey. We need to keep
paying attention and trying to stay conscious of the things we have some
control over - at the same time we are learning to relax, let go of the things
we can't control, and trust the Spirit to guide us where we need to go.
"We will not find balance in all areas, on all levels at
the same time. The goal is to be at balance in as many areas as possible
as much of the time as possible - and to accept wherever we are at as a
perfect part of the dance. We focus on an area of relationship (with
some part/level of our being, and/or some outward manifestation of that issue/area)
and find some balance in that area - and then it is time to focus on another
area. And then another and another. By that time, it is time
to come back and find a new level of balance in the first area - because
we are constantly changing and growing.
So anyone who cares to read my processing about my fear of intimacy - including
my history of healing those issues and the new insights I am gaining in
this process about how they are affecting my relationship now - can go to
My Fear of Intimacy
processing page. (posted 4/6/07)
We may work on healing our relationship to our same sex parent
- which also involves healing our relationship to our own gender, sexuality,
emotions, etc., and how we relate to others of our gender and the opposite
gender - and that may lead us into focusing on our relationship with money
which was distorted by that parents relationship with money. This leads
us into looking at the blocks we have within us to receiving abundance in
money and all other levels - which leads us into our fear of intimacy issues
- which leads us back to our relationship with our parent. Etc. Etc.
Each issue branches off into many other related issues, into all
the different emotional and intellectual levels of each of those issues.
As we peel away the levels of denial in relationship to each issue, as we
get emotionally honest with ourselves on a deeper level with that issue -
it opens up more levels, more grief, more denial to peel away. And we
find ourselves back looking at the original issues with a new perspective.
In this process, it is not just necessary to uncover and let go
of the dysfunctional attitudes and false beliefs of childhood. We need
to be willing to see, and let go of, our attitudes of 6 months ago, of 6 weeks
ago, of 3 days ago. Because we are growing and changing, our perspective
keeps changing. That means our relationships keep changing.
Part of finding emotional balance involves accepting ourselves
wherever we are at in the moment. I can have a place where I feel very
balanced emotionally, Spiritually, intellectually - but still have some obvious
imbalance in my relationship with my physical body. That is OK.
That is part of the ongoing healing process. I also have places in
time when I feel no balance or clarity about anything. That is OK too.
We are works in progress - in process. By not judging myself, and not
buying into the belief that there is some destination I have to reach before
it is OK to Love myself, then I can have some moments of balance today.
There is no destination to be reached. We will be growing
and learning, uncovering and discovering, peeling away denial and releasing
emotional energy, for the rest of our lifetime. On subtler levels,
with less pain and discomfort as we heal - but it an ongoing process nevertheless.
" - The Recovery Process for inner child healing
- the process of processing
Now I am going to do some processing about my issues with my own
masculine energy - but first an explanation of the importance, and meaning
to me, of the deer.
One of the very valuable tools in my recovery - as I say in this
quote from my book - was the Medicine Cards.
"When I was willing to hear and see the messages
- and take action based upon them - I began to discover the Truth around
me. There were certain books of Truth that I was led to that were especially
important in my consciousness raising, in my Recovery process. I am
now going to quote a story from one of those books which means a lot to me.
It is a story from a book called Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson.
This book deals with the Medicine Wheel, and the totem animals of the Medicine
Wheel Spiritual beliefs of certain Native American tribes."
Though I don't actually use the cards themselves in my life very
often now, the totem animals - and the messages that they symbolically represent
- are still very important to me. Those totem animals have been a
factor in the calendars I have selected each year for many years. When
I lived in Taos New Mexico, I was able to get a calendar that had different
animals of the Rocky Mountain Region for each month - and most of those animals
were totems in the Medicine Cards, and thus would give me a message / theme
to focus on for the month. Once I moved back to California, it became
difficult to find that type of calendar - and for several years I chose calendars
that had one of my totems - the wolf - on them. In this quote from my
personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal - in which I am talking about my
relationship with a male friend during some processing I was doing about my
relationships with other males - I mention the significance of calendars in
my recovery experience.
"When we communicate by e-mail about golf, I call him Arnie
(as in Palmer) and he calls me Tiger (as in Woods.) In my replies,
I found myself referring to myself as Tigger. I believe I mentioned
some place in my writing, how a couple of years ago, when it came time to
buy a new calendar, I bought a Winnie the Pooh one. The year before
(I believe it was 1999) had been pretty rough, and I wanted to get a new
calendar and mouse pad that was somewhat frivolous. For several years
I had gotten a wolf calendar to go along with a wolf mouse pad. Wolf
is one of my totems in the Medicine Cards - and symbolizes the Teacher.
The first line in the Medicine Card book about the Wolf is "Wolf is the pathfinder,
the forerunner of new ideas who returns to the clan to teach and share medicine."
Pretty appropriate for the role I seem to be playing in this lifetime.
Also, wolves mate for life - a connection to my romantic fantasy issues.
(The romantic fantasy issues reference above is perfect for one of the
aspects of my fear of intimacy issues that I will be looking at in the page
on which I am doing that processing.)
While shopping for a calendar for 2000, I decided that, though
wolf is a powerful totem for me that I honor and affirm, it was perhaps a
bit too serious a theme for the coming year. I decided I wanted to affirm
"lightening up" for the coming year - put out a request to the Universe for
a year without quite so many difficult opportunities for growth. When
I found the Winnie the Pooh calendar, it seemed to be a perfect symbol of
having a lighter, more frivolous and happy year. And I got a mouse
pad to match.
I don't really remember reading Winnie the Pooh as a kid.
I do have this feeling of connection to Tigger however. I think it is
because of that song he sings, about what a wonderful thing it is to be a
Tigger - and about how he is the only one. Something that a lonely,
isolated boy could identify with - feeling different and unique, though
I certainly didn't think it was a wonderful thing." Joy2MeU Journal:
The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul My
Unfolding Dance 17 November 3, 2002
I referenced the calendar connection again in some writing I did
in early 2004. In the processing I had done in my journal in November
2002, I had gotten honest with myself about how my acceptance of being isolated
and alone was keeping me from being available for a relationship. In
this quote from my journal in January of 2004, I make reference to the efforts
I was making to get more involved with other human beings - and talk about
another of the totem animals that is very important to me.
"Well, I get to start this morning looking above my computer
at my new 2004 calendar. I had actually spotted the calendar I wanted
before the end of last year - but was waiting for it to go on sale.
I have this thing about paying full price for a calendar when I know they
are going to go on sale soon. Probably a reaction to my old poverty
consciousness. Choosing to wait, meant creating some irritation for
myself when I would look up and see December instead of January for the
first week of the month. Oh well.
It has been important for me in my recovery, to make choices and take actions
in alignment with what I have been guided to focus on in my growth process.
Even something as small as choosing the Winnie and Friends calendar instead
of the Tigger calendar has power on a metaphysical level - in terms of bringing
Spiritual intention into everything I do. Part of what I need to get
clearer on in this processing, is the areas of my life that I need to bring
more focused Spiritual attention to right now.
I finally got a chance to get into San Luis on Friday and get the
calendar I wanted - another Winnie the Pooh one. I talked in one of
these installments (I think it was here) about opting for Winnie the Pooh
calendars the last couple years as symbol of wanting the year to be more on
the light and whimsical side. They actually had a Tigger one - Tigger
being an "only one," and thus the character I identified with the most because
I felt so different and "not a part of." But I decided that since
a large part of the focus of my recovery these days is to learn to interact
and play with the other kids in the Enchanted Forest, that I should stick
to the Winnie and friends calendar.
I don't actually have any memories of reading Winnie the Pooh in
childhood, but my inner children relate to Tigger. In recovery I also
relate to Winnie, who is after all a Pooh bear. Bear is one of my totems
in the Medicine Cards, and is described as going within to access Truth -
which pretty well fits my mystic role. It is in fact a West totem that
is my East totem. East being the place of the rising sun and illumination.
In other words, my illumination - my Awakening to the Light - comes primarily
from looking within.
"The strength of Bear medicine is the power of introspection.
It lies in the West on the great medicine wheel of life. Bear seeks
honey, or the sweetness of truth, within the hollow of an old tree.
In the winter, when the Ice Queen reigns and the face of death is upon the
Earth, Bear enters the womb-cave to hibernate, digest the year's experience.
It is said that our goals reside in the West also. To accomplish the
goals and dreams that we carry, the art of introspection is necessary.
I will probably be talking some more about the Medicine Cards soon." -
Joy2MeU Journal: The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance
of one wounded soul My Unfolding Dance 29 January 12, 2004 Monday 5:30 AM
To become like Bear and enter the safety of the womb cave, we
must attune ourselves to the energies of the Eternal Mother, and receive nourishment
from the placenta of the Great Void. The Great Void is the place where
all solutions and answers live in harmony with the questions that fill our
realities. If we choose to believe that there are many questions to
life, we must also believe that the answers to these questions reside within
us. Each and every being has the capacity to quiet the mind, enter
the silence, and know.
Many tribes have called this space of inner-knowing the Dream
Lodge, where the death of the illusion of physical reality overlays the expansiveness
of eternity." - Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson (link at bottom
The processing I did in my journal and Update Newsletters - from
the May 2001 Update that I mention at the beginning of this Update (which
actually threw me back into the Pandora's box of my fear of intimacy issues
that I opened with my October 2000 Update) through the November 2002 journal
installments - lead to me taking the actions that have put me in the relationship
situation I am in now. In that same Dance 29 installment, I make clear
reference to a lesson I am still working on learning today.
"It is very easy for me to write about how important it
is to communicate in an intimate relationship - how vital it is to work through
tough issues by talking about them. It is much harder in practice.
The old theory versus actual experience conundrum. The very thing -
that emotionally intimate relationships get messy - which makes it is so important
for me to be willing to play with the other kids in the Enchanted Forest.
The "messy" gift in my life today that has been made possible by the fear
of intimacy processing that I have been doing here in this journal ever since
writing my May 2001 Update put those issues in my face.
I am no longer living in comfortable isolation writing theoretically.
I am in the Enchanted Forest interacting with other human beings. And
it is much easier for me to focus on interacting with the 2 year old Darien
kid than it is with the adult kids in my life. Sigh.
"The reality of my life circumstances right now, is that
I am at a stage in my journey where I am pretty isolated and insulated.
I am doing a lot of writing and a lot of phone counseling - so that my life
in many ways is like being in a 12 step meeting almost all of the time.
It makes it real easy to maintain a conscious contact Spiritually.
Having relatively little contact with other human beings, beyond the superficial,
makes it much easier to stay in serenity. I don't know if you've noticed,
but interacting with other people gets messy. ;-)" - Joy to You & Me and
Joy2MeU Update - May 23, 2001
Now about the importance to me of the deer totem in the Medicine
"I just went outside and saw a hummingbird. In the
Medicine Cards hummingbirds symbolize Joy. I stood telling him/her how
beautiful she/he was - and it flew to a flower so close to me that I could
hear it's wings humming. Majorly cool. Anytime I see a hummingbird
I take it as a direct message from my Higher Power to remember that Joy is
the point, the goal, what healing is all about. Joy and Love.
I don't actually miss Cambria that much - although I do miss my walks on
the Ranch. And I miss getting to see deer all the time. That
is the reason that I chose a Deer calendar this year. The move to San
Diego we made in September, is a perfect part of my Spiritual Path, and is
working out quite nicely. Getting to do the Intensives regularly is
a very important to me - and I am sure the grief groups are going to be a
perfect part of the journey also - but I do miss the deer.
Animal totems have a very special meaning for me. The place
where I walk by the ocean, is a place we call locally the East West Ranch.
When I first moved to Cambria back in late 1989, it had been a ranch that
went bankrupt. It is something like 600 acres, and sits between two
of the main residential sections of the town - on the ocean side of Highway
1. Back then, it was posted with no trespassing signs, but there were
spaces in the fence to climb over and get through - so the effect was that
the signs protected the owners from liability but people could walk on the
ranch as they pleased.
I Love this ranch space. When I was living in a place near
the back edge of it in 1990, I would go for walks on the ranch all of the
time. Near where I would enter the ranch, I could cross a small stream
and come to a meadow in the woods. The meadow was a mound - and felt
like sacred space to me. I would commune with the meadow and then walk
up the hill through the woods. Coming out of the woods I could see
the ocean and then walk down the hill to the bluffs overlooking the ocean.
Along the part of the ocean that the ranch runs along there is no beach.
There are bluffs with rocks and tidal pools below.
It brought me great pleasure and serenity to walk through my meadow
and up the hill - or though a passageway through the trees that came out
in a different part of the ranch. There was a place just after this
passageway, where a tree stood alone. A tree that was bent over almost
double, creating what looked like kind of a portal. I would visualize
that being a portal to other dimensions or to the future where I was done
with all the pain.
As I would walk through the woods, I would see deer. Deer
in the medicine cards are about gentleness. Whenever I see a deer, I
take it as a direct reminder from my Higher Power to be gentle with myself.
I get to see lots of deer around here - to help me remember gentleness.
(My landlady doesn't like it that they come into her garden at night and
eat the flowers - but I think it is cool.) As I came out on top of
the hill where I could see the ocean, I would sometimes see whales.
A whale - again in the medicine cards - is the record keeper, the keeper
of ancient knowledge. It was symbolic for me because I felt that I
was accessing ancient knowledge while writing my Trilogy.
1990 was a year before I first gave the talk that became the Dance
of Wounded Souls. The only book that I was working on then was my Trilogy."
- Joy2MeU Journal: The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance
of one wounded soul My Unfolding Dance 9 July 12, 2000
Among the gifts that Susan has brought into my life is encouraging
me to do the Intensives, and moving to San Diego. I will be exploring
more of those gifts on my fear of intimacy processing page.
Magnificent Buck Deer
In alignment with how this writing processing unfolds perfectly for me,
the last line in that last quote mentions my Trilogy. That work: The Dance of the Wounded Souls
Trilogy Book 1 - "In The Beginning . . ." is A Magical, Mystical, Spiritual
Fable which is a book that probably will never be finished - and certainly
won't be part of a Trilogy. But it was the first writing that I did
in 1988 after I had gone through treatment for Codependency. That body
of work is what I thought of when I looked at the calendar with the magnificent
buck deer on it. That Trilogy writing formed part of the foundation
of what was later to become Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls.
"I started writing my book (what I hoped was just going
to be one book because I really did not like writing ;-) The Dance of Wounded
Souls in a cabin at 11,000 feet elevation on Taos Mountain in the fall of
1988. . . . .
In my Joy2MeU Journal two part installment about publishing The Dance I talked about how the events unfolded.
. . . . . . That book evolved into being the first book of
a Trilogy, and over the next few years I worked on it intermittently.
Meanwhile, I was working on my emotional healing, and started working with
others in helping them to access and release their grief.
I was looking at the work I was doing on internal healing, and
the work I was doing on the mystical book as being two separate things.
It never occurred to me to connect them. And then suddenly in early
1991, they came together. In some speaking engagements to talk about
codependence, I heard myself answering questions with mystical statements
that I had never even considered that I would make in public." - Attack on America - Chapter 7 (Attack on America
- A Spiritual Healing Perspective is an online book that I started writing
a few days after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack. I published
it online as I wrote it - but subsequently moved the bulk of it to my Joy2MeU
Journal. It is also now available in the Dancing in Light pay to view
section of the site.)
"In the next month or six weeks, I also spoke publicly at
a couple of other places. One was at the County Drug and Alcohol satellite
office in Cambria - and the other was at a Speakers meeting for CoDA for
Helping Professionals. (This was a short lived version of CoDA for counselors,
therapist, and various other helping professionals who thought it would not
be okay for them to share honestly in regular CoDA meetings - a manifestation
of the codependent programming of keeping up appearances in my opinion, which
I shared with them when I spoke.)
The Trilogy alternates between a narrative story line and a History of
the Universe told tongue in cheek (including a recently discovered transcript
of God's thought process in deciding to create the Universe.;-) The
narrative story involves my Higher Self appearing to me in the form of a
unicorn running off a picture on my desk in Taos New Mexico in early 1989.
My unicorn / Higher Self then takes me on a journey through time and space
to help me learn the things I needed to learn. In one of the later
chapters of that work, my Higher Self transforms from a unicorn to the form
of a woman representing the Goddess Energy / Feminine Principle. During
the course of my interaction with my Higher Self, a doe and two fawns had
been playing a part in the unfolding story. After we had discussed some
of the levels of healing that were affecting me and had caused my fear of
intimacy, came this passage.
It was in those public speaking engagements that the inner child
work I was doing merged with the mystical information that I was writing for
the Trilogy. I can remember two examples of hearing "myself answering
questions with mystical statements" - that I refer to in the quote from
my Attack on America book above. One was while speaking here in Cambria
- which was not a meeting but an informational event the satellite office
was offering for the general public. In it, I shared my view that
everything was unfolding perfectly from a cosmic perspective. Someone
asked me if that meant that I believed that everyone who died in a plane
crash was meant to die that day. I answered that yes that was what
The other one I remember was in the CoDA Speakers meeting in February.
I have a memory of talking about the clinging creatures story I paraphrase
from Richard Bach's Illusions in Codependence: The
Dance of Wounded Souls. The one where the creature that has
learned to let go and go with the flow of the stream is viewed as a messiah
by clinging creatures he flies over down stream. . . . .
It was in those talks that the seeds of my book sprouted.
"In the spring of 1991, Robert Burney
was asked to speak in several different venues on the subject of Codependence.
In the course of those speaking engagements he heard himself making statements
to a general audience that he had never considered saying in public because
of their controversial nature. To his surprise he found that the practical
process level tools and techniques that he utilized in his private therapy
practice were merging with mystical and magical knowledge he had acquired
writing a book that was an adult fable about the history of the Universe
- the first book of a trilogy.
That first time I did the talk, at the Pewter Plough Playhouse in Cambria
on June 16th 2001 before a crowd of over 50 people, it was literally on
yellow legal pages." - Joy2MeU Journal: The Path of one Recovering
Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul Leap
of Faith ~ Publishing The Dance
Although he experienced a great deal of
fear about making such controversial statements in public, he was compelled
to further explore this message that he felt coming through him. He arranged
dates in June of 1991 to give a talk in Cambria and Morro Bay, California.
He then found he was unable to write the talk. The message that he was formulating
was multileveled and nonlinear so that he found it impossible to organize
his thoughts into a coherent presentation. His anxiety mounted as the date
for his talk approached until in a burst of inspiration born out of desperation
he wrote almost continuously for the last 48 hours prior to the talk. The
presentation was scrawled on yellow legal pages that first time he presented
As he got ready to give his talk, he was
overwhelmed with feelings of dread and experienced emotional memories of being
stoned to death by an angry mob. He was convinced the audience would not
be able to hear his message because of the outrageously controversial aspects
of it but was compelled to go forward with it because of his personal Karmic
need to take responsibility and stand up for his Truth. To his amazement,
the audience not only heard what he was saying but cried tears of Joy in
recognition of the Truth he was sharing.
That talk formed the basis for the book
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls. The message evolved and expanded over
the years as he refined the techniques he was developing to facilitate Codependence
recovery, but the basic structure of the book was essentially born in those
two days of desperation. Robert made a trip from Taos New Mexico, where he
was living at the time, to the Central Coast of California in the winter
of 1995 in an attempt to raise funds to publish a book based on the talk.
Because of that trip (which was a real leap of faith) he did receive the
financing to start the publishing process in the summer of 1995. He returned
to Cambria to set up his publishing company, Joy to You & Me Enterprises,
in the fall of 1995. The official publication date of the book was January
of 1996." - Biographical
"Sorry about that," I laughed. It was wonderful to
laugh about where I had been - and was going back to - and not feel any shame
about it. It was after all, only a part of my evolution. There
Truly is no need to judge where I have been, or am, because it was/is just
a step in my becoming process.
It is now 3:07 AM on the morning of the 13th of March 2007. It was
on the morning of the 4th that I looked up at my calendar and got the message
from the Universe that I needed to look at a new level of healing my masculine
- healing my relationship with my self as a man - in the context of the
processing I already knew that I needed to do about my fear of intimacy issues
and how they were affecting my life and relationship now. I will be
doing that on the page (could even be more than one page) that will follow
this one. I want to wrap this one up and get it posted - and my e-mail
announcements sent out now. When I will have the next page ready to
post, I really have no idea right now. Hopefully by the 25th, which
will be the day after my next Intensive - the day I will be posting an Updated
Intensive Testimonial page, as well as changing the Intensive page to raise
the price for the next workshop.
Just then my attention was once again caught by the deer. The doe
and both fawns had turned and were looking back into the trees at that south
end of the meadow. And what came walking out of the trees at that point was
the most magnificent Stag deer that I have ever seen. He was tall and
regal with the most magnificent set of antlers I had ever seen. I counted
fourteen points in his incredible rack.
I . . . . . . stood up, staring in awe at this magnificent male
animal. I was moved somewhere deep within my being, and tears sprang
to my eyes from the emotions that the grandeur of his presence stirred up
"Yes," said my dream woman softly by my side, "he is magnificent.
And he is you, that is that he is a symbolic representation of the magnificence
of your own masculinity."
I turned and looked at her, feeling an emotional surge in my chest
as her words sank in.
"You see," she continued, "you have, up to this point in your recovery,
put much effort into healing the feminine within and your inner children
- which are symbolically represented by the doe and her two fawns.
But you have almost completely ignored the healing of your masculine.
Your relationship with your father, and your disgust over the sins of man-kind,
have led you to disown to a large degree, your own masculine energy.
A very large part of your journey in the coming years will be to focus on
the healing of your masculine so that you can own and honor what a magnificent
male being you are."
Tears were freely running down my face as I stood there looking
at her. Then I turned and gazed once again at the magnificent creature.
All four of the deer were standing there looking back at me with Love in their
eyes. I could feel the Truth of her words, and along with the Joy that
I was experiencing from the sight of this regal animal, there was a profound
sadness at the realization of the depth of my masculine wounds. I was
too overwhelmed with feeling at that point to speak. I just stood there
gazing at the buck and feeling the urgency of my need to own my masculine
self." - The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1 - "In The Beginning
. . ." Chapter 10
There are 4 spaces still available for that next Intensive, by the
way - so perhaps it will fill to capacity. More will be revealed.
More will also be revealed about where my fear of intimacy processing will
lead me. I know that I need to get clearer on where I am at, and what
areas I may need some action, in order to get cleaner and clearer in my relationship
with Susan. And I know that I need to take some steps to own my own
masculine power more fully.
One of the key insights for me years ago, when I first started to
focus on my issues with myself as a man, was one I mention in the following
quote from my journal - that I had never had a clear image of what positive,
strong and powerful masculine energy looks like.
"What I remember that morning was that I needed to own my
powerful positive masculine energy. Years ago I had come to a realization
(and I can't believe I haven't written about it somewhere - but can't find
it right now) that I had spent years working on healing my inner children
and my feminine without even considering that I might need to heal my masculine.
Like Duh! That was a time when I started reading authors like Robert
Bly and starting to focus on healing my masculine. One of the things
I realized then, is that I had no image of strong positive masculine energy
- that I associated strong masculine energy with violence and anger and
rage. That was when I came up with or discovered (maybe in Bly's book
Iron John - see Bookstore page) the term "fierce determination" as
a trait of powerful positive masculine energy. Focused power and fierce
determination in doing, manifesting, standing strong - that was the masculine
energy I discovered back then. That was the masculine energy I needed
to rediscover and own on the morning of March 30th.
So, there are some areas in my life where I need
to stop playing small and start focusing some fierce determination in making
changes that need to be made in how I am relating to myself and life - so
that I can start being clearer in my relationship. I have some idea
right now what that might look like to some degree - and more will be revealed
as I continue to process.
I started to see that I needed to start using my will power to
stop playing small in my relationship with myself. To stop giving the
pain so much power and to own that I have the power to have more positive
control of my own internal process. I realized that I had gone out
of balance in my relationship with myself, towards the feminine, feeling
side of me - and that I wasn't standing in my Truth with powerful Masculine
positive energy. I needed to start being the Alpha male in my own internal
process. In recent months I have noticed myself explaining the process
of setting boundaries with the critical parent voice to phone counseling
clients in an interesting new way. I would tell them that we don't
want to argue with the critical parent voice, we want to SLAM it with spiritual
Truth. I have been thinking about the process of setting boundaries
in a way that is like establishing who is in charge internally - who is the
Alpha force. And that it was necessary to slam the critical parent
voice - to own positive powerful force in my own internal process.
This was a wonderful insight that is the key to taking control of my own
inner process in a new more empowering way. In a way that will be more
outward directed and focused on external manifestation and action than inner
focused." - Joy2MeU Journal: The Path of one Recovering Codependent
~ the dance of one wounded soul My Unfolding Dance35
April 8, 2004
There is one additional thing that I am going
to be including on this page - and that is an excerpt from Chapter 15 of
Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls
Dancing in the Light Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with
Life (the last chapter I have written so
far of that work.) That is a chapter that is focused on masculine and
feminine, and explains the difference in my understanding between different
levels of masculine and feminine - and how those terms are related to the
genders male and female. I want to include it in order to bring more
clarity to the processing I am doing - for those of you who actually read
this far and beyond.;-)
The Adventure continues in 2007 - remember to find some Joy in
Masculine ~ Feminine / masculine
~ feminine / male ~ female
In my book and writing, I capitalize certain words
in an attempt to communicate that different levels of reality are being referenced.
"What we feel is our "emotional truth"
and it does not necessarily have anything to do with either facts or the emotional
energy that is Truth with a capital "T" - especially when we our reacting
out of an age of our inner child."
"As long as we look outside of Self
- with a capital S - to find out who we are, to define ourselves and give
us self-worth, we are setting ourselves up to be victims."
(All quotes in this color are
from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
I offered an explanation of that in Chapter 6 of this work,
while trying to differentiate between the ego self and Spiritual Self.
In Chapter 5, I talked about consciousness of self
- and about the horizontal (relationship with being human) and vertical
(relationship with being Spiritual) components of our beings. Now I
am talking about consciousness of Self - and I capitalize one and not the
other for a reason. In my writing, I capitalize certain
words to try to differentiate between different levels of the process, between
different perspectives / dimensions of existence. This works for me
- is helpful / functional - in the goal of seeing myself more clearly, and
in communicating my understanding of the dynamics of recovery.
I think that - in both my book and my writing - I did/do a pretty good
job of keeping this personal writing convention clean with regard to certain
words: Love, Truth, Self, being the most prominent that come to mind.
I have found it a little harder to be consistent in my references to Spirit,
Spiritual or Spirituality - as those words are not ones that I have, until
the last few years (probably since I wrote the article on spiritual integration),
been consciously focused upon in regard to using capitalization to differentiate
between different levels. The area where I have probably been the
most inconsistent, has been in reference to the terms masculine and feminine.
Thus when I mention Love, I am writing
about a transcendent vertical emotion - which I see as different from love,
which too often is the toxic variety that makes the other person our higher
power. When I talk about Self I am referring to Spiritual Self, to the
part of us that helps us to know intuitively that we are connected to everyone
and everything. Whereas, when I talk about self, I am talking about
ego self - which is the part of us that was conditioned to react to both
the horizontal and the vertical from an intellectual paradigm that empowers
fear, scarcity, lack, and shame. - Chapter 6
In this chapter I am going to try to clarify my understanding
of masculine and feminine as I talk about the masculine feminine imbalance
that has so affected the history of our planet - and has so distorted the
relationship of human beings to gender and sexuality.
Masculine and Feminine capitalized will refer to the Masculine
and Feminine Principles / Energy of Creation - a transcendent vertical (up
and down through the vibrational frequency ranges of The Illusion) Energy
One level is, of course, as symbols
of the Masculine and Feminine Energy of Creation. The marriage of the
Princess and the Prince can on this level be seen to represent the Feminine
and Masculine Principles of the Universe and their union of perfect balance
and harmony - the eternal balance of yin and yang.
While masculine and feminine (lower case) will refer to the
horizontal human experience - to masculine and feminine energy as it relates
to human beings, and to the environment human beings experience on the planet
Earth. In other words, to characteristics, traits, qualities, attributes,
features, elements that are thought of as masculine or feminine. I
will also be making a distinction between masculine and feminine energy in
a metaphysical sense, and masculine and feminine characteristics in terms
of observable attributes or behaviors.
All human beings are the creation of the perfect interaction
of the Masculine and Feminine Principles - and all individuals have both masculine
and feminine energy as part of their make up as human beings. Our perspective
of masculine and feminine has been very twisted and distorted due to the
planetary conditions that caused the dysfunction in the human experience.
Our traditional cultural concepts of
what a man is, of what a woman is, are twisted, distorted, almost comically
bloated stereotypes of what masculine and feminine really are. A vital part
of this healing process is finding some balance in our relationship with the
masculine and feminine energy within us, and achieving some balance in our
relationships with the masculine and feminine energy all around us. We cannot
do that if we have twisted, distorted beliefs about the nature of masculine
The terms male and female refer to the genders that are representations
of masculine and feminine energy - and reflections of the Masculine and Feminine
Principles. Many of the characteristic attributes
and behaviors that society identifies as male and female are in fact bloated,
distorted, polarized magnifications of masculine and feminine qualities.
Feminine and Masculine Principles of
The Feminine and Masculine Principles
of Creation are inseparable parts of One Force. They have never been
out of balance, and never could be. They are terms used to describe
a vertical dynamic which is indivisible into parts.
And excerpt from: Codependency Recovery: Wounded
Souls Dancing in the Light Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship
with Life Chapter
15 Masculine and Feminine
The way we change the dance of Codependence
to the dance of Recovery, the way we tame the dragon inside, is through integration
and balance. One of the ways we do that is by stopping the dysfunctional
behavior of looking for the Prince or Princess who is going to fix us and
make us whole.
The Prince and the Princess exist within.
That Prince, the Masculine Energy of Manifestation and Action, and that Princess,
the Feminine Energy of Creativity and Nurturing, exist within us in perfect
balance and harmony. They always have - and they always will.
Masculine and Feminine are names humans apply to twin energy
vortexes that together form the One Creative Force - The Life Force.
Yin and Yang, Masculine and Feminine, are One Transcendent Dynamic that not
only exists throughout the levels of this Illusion, but in fact manifested
the illusion that it was possible to separate from the ONENESS of ALL THAT IS.
In writing this chapter I was led into some pretty far out
metaphysical realms that kept making this chapter longer and longer.
So, once again, as I said in Chapter 13:
It seems like for every chapter I write here, I
write another half of a chapter that I end up not using. Right at this
moment, I am not sure which of several alternatives will become the next chapter.
- Chapter 13: The Music
of Love is not shaming
In this case, it has been more than a half of a chapter and I am going
to use it as Chapter 16. In that chapter I am going to attempt to explain
what I mean when I refer to The Illusion of human reality. Although
there will be references in the rest of this chapter to metaphysical aspects,
I am going to try to communicate an understanding of masculine and feminine
imbalance and the huge impact it has had on the evolution of human beings
on this planet.
In broad strokes I first want to try to delineate what I
am talking about in regard to different levels and aspects of masculine and
As stated above, the Masculine and Feminine Principles of
the Universe are indivisible parts of One dynamic - The Life Force.
Each man or woman on this planet - as well as the planet itself and everything
else in the Universe - is a manifestation of the perfect balance and harmony
of the interaction of the Feminine and Masculine. The Yin Yang symbol
in Reality is not black and white - it is all gray. It was the polarized
perspective of the energy field of Collective Human Intellectual Consciousness
- the Lower Mind - that has caused humans to see Yin and Yang as polar opposite
forces in conflict.
Within this human reality we are experiencing there are metaphysical
masculine and feminine energies that are reflections of the Masculine and
Feminine - and are in turn reflected into the physical level. On the
physical level these energies are reflected not only in the essence and
form of male and female beings, but also within each being in multiple ways
including within the human brain with it's right and left hemispheres and
their interrelationship with each other - and with the rest of the grand and
compelling dance that makes up a human's body and being.
The individual human being
is a fully contained system involving multiple interrelationships within multiple
levels. This is easy to see, and understand, when looking at the physical
level. The interrelationship of the organs to each other, to the blood,
to the skin, to the nervous system, etc. - is a dance of grand, and compelling,
The emotional and spiritual aspects of a human's being fall into the realm
of metaphysical (beyond physical) because these components exist on levels
that are not measurable and quantifiable in concrete physical terms.
To attempt to explain these things in a concrete way using polarized language
is actually a reflection of the problem that has plagued humans and been
part of the cause that manifested the imbalance in the human experience.
One of the reasons that the emotional and spiritual components of a human's
being have been discounted in Western Civilization is because there has
been such an imbalance of masculine and feminine energy in the underlying
Just as grand, and compelling, is
the complexity of the dance of interrelationship between the mental, emotional,
and spiritual components/levels that dynamically interact to form the make
up of the individual being - the persona, personality, consciousness, of the
self. The more awareness is acquired about the different levels of
the self, and the interrelationships between those levels, the easier it
becomes to diagnose the dysfunctional interaction dynamics. - Author's Foreword
"Western civilization has
for many years been way out of balance towards the left brain way of thinking
- concrete, rational, what you see is all there is (this was in reaction to
earlier times of being out of balance the other way, towards superstition
and ignorance.) Because emotional energy can not be seen or measured
or weighed ("The x-ray shows you've got 5 pounds of grief in there.") emotions
were discounted and devalued. This has started to change somewhat in
recent years but most of us grew up in a society that taught us that being
too emotional was a bad thing that we should avoid. (Certain cultures
/ subcultures give more permission for emotions but those are usually out
of balance to the other extreme of allowing the emotions to rule - the goal
is balance: between mental and emotional, between intuitive and rational.)"
- Feeling the Feelings
- grief / emotional energy release
I am not going to get real hung up on trying to explain all of this - ultimately
the details are not that important. I am just going to use broad strokes
here in the hopes of communicating some larger and/or different perspectives
for you to consider. Trying to divide these energies / qualities into
two groupings is actually dysfunctional because it is an exercise in polarity,
in the duality that has been part of how humans have seen The Illusion - but
I will do it anyway, just as an example of the types of energies that are
generally associated with the metaphysical levels of masculine and feminine.
In reality, both types of energy are involved in all human endeavors.
For example: a creative impulse would be feminine, while a creative
act would be masculine; pregnancy (nurturing life within a woman's
body) would be thought of as feminine, while the act of giving birth is a
manifestation - masculine. In recovery we are looking for a balance
between being and doing, between mental and emotional, between rational and
intuitive - between masculine and feminine.
mental, rational, logical, linear, concrete, analytic, intellectual, hard,
rigid, individualistic, independent, strong, specific, known, seen, quantifiable,
external manifestation, action, outgoing, expansive, aggressive, competitive,
intuitive, emotional, creative, nurturing, yielding*, pliant, flexible, expressive, relational**, intaking, enfolding, compassionate, loving, spiritual,
sensitive, gentle, abstract, imaginative, soft, mysterious, unknown, internal
contemplation, introspection, being
*(not the same as passive -
think of it more in a martial arts sense. One example of how human perspective
has been twisted and distorted - into thinking of feminine as passive.
The counterpart to aggressive here would be more in along the lines of pliant,
**(tends to focus on larger
picture interrelationship, holistic interdependence rather than specific,
All human beings have both masculine and feminine energy
within them. These are not necessarily in equal proportions. Some
people have more of one type of energy than the other - because in our human
form we are each unique in our individual make up / combination of these
The Truth is that we are like snowflakes:
Each individual is unique and different and special and we are all made from
the same thing. We are all cut from the same cloth. We are all
part of the Eternal ONENESS that is the Great Spirit.
We are all manifestations of the Feminine and Masculine Principles
- and we each have masculine and feminine energy that makes up our being.
The imbalance that has been part of the human condition has been in our relationship
with those energies within us. And the imbalance in our relationships
with the masculine and feminine energies within has reflected outward to
produce imbalance in our relationships with each other - and with the concepts
of masculine and feminine.
What we are striving for in recovery is balance and harmony
in our relationship with the masculine and feminine energies within us - to
reflect the perfect balance and harmony of the Masculine and Feminine Principles.
This does not mean we are striving for some kind of adrogeny. Polarized
thinking causes an either / or perspective. There are other options
besides 1 or 10. We are each unique in the individual manifestations
we are experiencing in this lifetime.
Life is not black and white.
Life involves the interplay of black and white. In other words, the
gray area is where life takes place. A big part of the healing process
is learning the numbers two through nine - recognizing that life is not black
As I said, we each have different proportions of masculine
and feminine energy - what we are striving for is balance in our relationship
with our self/Self on an individual basis, which will allow us to be more
balanced and harmonious in our relationships with other human beings.
In recovery we are uncovering and discovering our Self by recovering from
the wounding that was inflicted on our relationship with self in childhood.
"To thine own Self be True" is a mystical, metaphysical aphorism of Spiritual
Male and female beings (once again polarized perspective,
nothing is Truly black and white - there are gender combinations in between
male and female) are physical representations of masculine and feminine energies.
Male and female beings have masculine and feminine traits and characteristics.
Our inherited perspective of those traits and characteristics, are in large
part twisted, distorted, magnified stereotypes of masculine and feminine
energies. Those stereotypes are emotionally polarized into extremes
which often result in a female being adapting an emotional / behavioral defense
system that is a representation of the twisted, distorted view of masculine
energy - because she is reacting to the role modeling and emotional trauma
of her childhood. And of course, it happens conversely with males.
In this society, in a general sense,
the men have been traditionally taught to be primarily aggressive, the "John
Wayne" syndrome, while women have been taught to be self-sacrificing and passive.
But that is a generalization; it is entirely possible that you came from
a home where your mother was John Wayne and your father was the self-sacrificing
Men and women are different but not nearly as different as
we have been led to believe. I could probably write several books focused
specifically from the perspective of masculine and feminine imbalance and
the affects it has had on every level of this human experience. In
this chapter, I am trying to convey some understanding of the impact of this
imbalance in a larger historical perspective rather than in regard to the
individual level. I already addressed some of the impact of this imbalance
in relationship to romance, marriage, and male / female relationships in
part 2 of the article that spawned this work.
"Men were programmed to be emotional cripples whose
only acceptable emotional outlet was anger, and women were brainwashed to
feel they had worth only in relationships to men. Truly a set up!
Women were brain washed into defining themselves so completely in relationship
to men that they give up their name for their husband's name. (Of course,
the name they give up was their fathers - a symbolic transfer of ownership.)"
- The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages! Part 2 Love & Romance,
Marriage and Divorce
I recently started a series of articles on my Inner Child/Codependency
Recovery Topic page on the Suite 101 Directory focused on issues of gender,
sexuality, romance, and related topics. (I will include a link at the
bottom of this page to my page that lists these recent articles.) Here
are quotes from the first two articles in that series that relate to the
point I am making here.
"Men and women are not from
different planets. Anyone who is trying to explain male - female relationships
without taking into account the impact that culturally programmed emotional
dishonesty, generational shame about sexuality, and centuries of patriarchal
supremacy have had on how human beings relate to their own gender and sexuality
- let alone to romantic relationships - is focusing on symptoms. It
is not possible to bring about fundamental change or true understanding by
focusing on symptoms. Just as it is not possible to understand our romantic
relationship patterns without starting to see how our childhood wounding and
programming was causal in producing those patterns.
Men and women are different of course,
but not nearly as different as the emotionally dishonest, comically bloated
stereotypes of normal male and female behavior - that have been the prototypes
for society - would have us believe." - Men and Women are from the same planet
"Traditionally in dysfunctional
civilized society on this planet men were programmed to be codependent (define
self and take their feelings of self worth) from their work, their ability
to produce. Women were programmed to be codependent on their relationships
with men. (The Feminist Movement changed this somewhat in recent history
- but in some areas that effect was negative. I will address this in
a later article in this series.)
I have stated several places in this work, how human internal dynamics
- emotions, emotional process, and internal interaction between the mind,
emotions, and spirit - are the same for all human beings. This includes
men and women. There are some differences in the ways men and women
relate to / process their inner dynamic - but the basic dynamics are the
same. Men and women are much more alike than they are different.
The differences are fascinating and intriguing - they do not make us from
different planets. The more balanced and healthy any man or woman becomes,
the more we clear up our relationship with the masculine and feminine energies
within us, the easier it becomes to start learning how to relate to each
other in a healthier, more balanced way - instead of seeing each other as
some kind of alien creatures.
The bloated stereotypes of masculine
and feminine that the quote from my book in last month's article mentioned
- like all stereotypes - started with a grain of Truth that got twisted and
distorted by the planetary conditions that dictated human evolution on the
planet." - The Maiden and the
Emotions are a vital component of a human's being.
They are not something that only women are supposed to feel. To be a
healthy balanced human being, a man needs to get in touch with the feminine
energy within him and find some balance in his inner process - just as a woman
need to get in touch with the masculine energy within her to find some balance
and harmony in her relationship with self/Self and life.
Go to My Fear of Intimacy (page posted 4/6/07)
Go to August 2007 Update Newsletter