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Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls

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Announcing:  Joy to You & Me Enterprises is now offering a series of Intensive Training Days with Spiritual Teacher, inner child healing pioneer Robert Burney.  Learn his innovative Spiritual Integration Formula for Inner Healing.  To find out the locations and dates for upcoming appearances go to Day of Intensive Training.

 

 We need to turn down the volume on those loud, yammering voices that shame and judge us and turn up the volume on the quiet Loving voice.  As long as we are judging and shaming ourselves we are feeding back into the disease, we are feeding the dragon within that is eating the life out of us.  Codependence is a disease that feeds on itself - it is self-perpetuating.

This healing is a long gradual process - the goal is progress, not perfection.  What we are learning about is unconditional Love.  Unconditional Love means no judgment, no shame." -  Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

". . . As I shared with my yahoo e-mailing list in January, there was indeed a powerful karmic connection for me in this relationship - with Darien. 

"January the 23rd marked the 3rd anniversary since Susan and I met.  A record for me for sure.  I am so grateful that Susan came into my life - and this relationship sure has drastically changed my life.  In my June 2005 Update I explained how "It took a cosmic "coincidence" of pretty monumental proportions for us to even connect at all" - and how on the evening of January 23rd 2005 I got a clear message from my Spirit that I was supposed to surrender to the experience of whatever my interaction with her would entail.

"That night I surrendered to whatever ride the Universe had in store for me with this woman.  That night I realized that I needed to ignore the red flags, let go of any preconceived boundaries or expectations, and go wherever this adventure led me. 

It has been a real e-ticket ride so far.  I have thought it was over a multitude of times.  She would react in ways that pushed my buttons - and I was sure it had ended.  But then it would begin again. 

The key factor is that she is actively in recovery, dedicated to getting healthier." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter June 2005

And it is certainly true that Susan is very actively in recovery, and that without that we would not have had a chance for a relationship to last this long.  But even with that, I think my fear of intimacy would have sabotaged the relationship long ago except for the factor that I really didn't know anything about at the time I wrote that June 2005 Update.  That unknown factor is Darien.

We moved in together in June of 2005 - and until that time I didn't really have a relationship with the little boy.  It was after we started to live together that Darien and I were drawn together.  I mentioned in my August Update last year that I had just recently realized that he and I had a powerful Karmic / Soul connection.

"In late April or early May this year I had one of those light bulb going on / aha kind of moments of insight where I realized that Darien and I had a soul contract.  That our souls had agreed to meet up at a certain point in this lifetime to be teachers and helpers to each other on our Spiritual Paths.  Despite the powerful connection I feel to him - and that he obviously feels to me - this had never occurred to me before.  When I mentioned my insight to Susan, she kind of looked at me funny and said something like, "Well duh, of course.  You didn't know that?"" - Joy2MeU Update August 2007

Our concern and love for Darien got us through many rough passages in our relationship.  He helped us to not take ourselves and our wounded ego button's so seriously, and to lighten up at times when we really needed to lighten up.  Many times when I thought it was over, it was Darien who brought us back together.  We have had a successful relationship in large part because we weren't just focused on the relationship - we weren't really free to allow our respective fear of intimacy to sabotage us because we both love that little boy so much.  Our focus was larger than just the relationship between the two of us.  That was true even before we became his primary guardians - which essentially started at the time of the April Intensive in San Francisco (2006), even though it didn't become official until June of that year.

He continues to bring so much Joy to both of us, and the direction of our lives continues to be greatly impacted by our desire to take care of him.  My fear of intimacy is still keeping me from opening my heart completely to Susan in some ways - and to myself also of course (the fear of shining too brightly I mentioned in my last post here) - but our Higher Powers unfolded our paths perfectly to put us together with Darien so he could help us both learn about Love.  Susan and I are learning a great deal from each other - and the common ground of our love for Darien is helping our love to evolve.

"So today, I am grieving once more for the eight year old who was trapped, and for the man he became.  I am grieving because if I don't own that child and his feelings - then the man will never get past his terror of allowing himself to be loved.  By owning and cherishing that child, I am healing the broken heart of both the child and the man - and giving that man the opportunity to one day trust himself enough to love someone as much as he loved Shorty." - Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy

Recovery is really an incredible journey - I highly recommend it.;-)

"As I explained in that March Newsletter, I spent years living a serene, Joyous, and pretty isolated life writing for this web site - and that is not my priority any longer. 

"A major goal for me in 2005 is to be more involved in life.  I have taken steps to be more Alive and involved with other human beings this year.  My time of living in isolation in a beautiful place I Love, focused on my writing, was a wonderful, wonderful chapter in my life.  But I entered this year knowing that I wanted to be more involved in the experience of living from now on than in writing about it from an intellectual, theoretical perspective." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter March 2005

"When I entered this year, and took steps to get more involved in living, I had no idea what was to come.  The opportunity that has manifested in my life is such an amazing and richly textured experience that I don't think I could have imagined it in details anywhere close to the reality that has materialized.  The steps I took in early January actually turned out to be symbolic because my plunge into life is not linked to any of them, but the actions I took were important in setting the energy in motion to create the kind of experience and opportunity I was asking for.  (In my article on the first 3 steps The Miracle of The Twelve Step Recovery Process: 1, 2, 3, and a 1, 2, 3 - The first three steps I talk about how working the third step involves putting out my request to the Universe - asking for help in creating what I want - and taking action towards that desire.  By taking action to plant the seeds - while letting go of the outcome - I aligned with metaphysical law of sowing and reaping, something I talk more about on my Love Offering page that is linked below.) . . .  . .

. . . . What has unfolded in recent months, is that she is now living here in Cambria - and I am moving in with her in the next couple of weeks.  I have not only been given the blessing of having the opportunity to share my life journey with a dynamic, exciting romantic partner - I have inherited a whole family in the process.  The brood includes her 17 year old daughter, her daughters boyfriend and their 7 month old baby - soon perhaps to be joined by her 20 year old son.  I am getting the Joyous and amazing opportunity to be a step grandfather to the amazing little baby - and am sooo grateful for the opportunity.  (This reference tells me that it wasn't true what I said above about not really developing a relationship with Darien until after we moved in together - obviously the relationship had been developing before that.  And the picture on the right is one when he was just a few months old.) The family also includes 2 dogs, 2 cats, a rat, and a chicken named Jack.  (And now a 3 month old pygmy goat named Pixie.) 

The way the events unfolded - which included her getting a job in the area that fell through and being forced to move with very little in the way of financial resources - has allowed me to do something which I have never done before.  I was able to step up to the plate and take financial responsibility for this whole brood.  I have always had a problem just providing financially for myself, and have never felt capable of taking on that kind of responsibility.  (Although I have paid support payments for my son, I haven't until now thought I could possibly take on the financial responsibility of having him live with me. In the October 2000 Update I am going to be quoting shortly, I talk about my core fear of intimacy issues and how they are tied into the financial issues my codependency created in my life.) 

That is what has put me into a precarious financial position - supporting my new family (along with plane trips to see my father before he died, and to go to his funeral.)  When I got to the point of giving notice on my apartment in anticipation of moving in with my lady and her family, I still wasn't sure that the relationship wouldn't blow up and cause her to run away in reaction to her counterdependent defenses - leaving me in a position where I had no money and no place to live.   But I took the risk anyway because that is what my Spiritual guidance told me to do - because I could see that there was potential for a great reward, a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, if things worked out between us."

"Last night there was a perfect moment in my life - a Kodak moment.  I was lying on the couch looking at my "step" grandson sleeping in his stroller, while above him in the loft his grandmother - my significant other - was working on her computer.  I took a mental snapshot of the moment as one that I always wanted to remember.  In close proximity to two people that I Love very, very dearly - a moment of domestic bliss if you will.  It brought tears of Joy and gratitude to my eyes, as I thanked my Higher Power for the opportunity I have been given to Truly open my heart to some other human beings in a magnificent and profound way. . . . .

. . . . . The baby is now 11 months old - and just the most precious, beautiful, incredible little boy.  Never had I imagined myself changing diapers and taking care of a baby - and Loving every moment of it.  I have become Mr. Mom - doing the shopping and the laundry and taking care of the baby for periods of time - while my lady goes into work in San Luis Obispo every week day.  Definitely not what I had imagined in my future only a few short months ago.

What is going to evolve in the coming months is a mystery right now - in the more will be revealed realm.  There are numerous challenges, as there are with any new relationship - with such major changes in one's life.  The pygmy goat had to go because of the noise it made - and that combined with a problem caused by one of the dogs has made it necessary for us to be looking for a new place.  My mate is trying to establish herself in a new area in a business (mortgage loans) where contacts are vital - and the market is slow.  I have been trying to generate more income to support this new family of mine (thus the new pay to view section of the site), and it has been a major challenge."

"I talked at our local CoDA meeting Wednesday night about what a beautiful day I had just shared with the two people I Love most in the world, my significant other Susan, and my godson and "step" grandson Darien.  I Love them both so intensely.  No way could I have ever imagined, when I met this beautiful woman on January 23rd of last year - that the amazing relationship I would get involved in with her, would include the opportunity to change diapers."

"In the fall of 2002, in writing for my personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal, I became aware that I had become too comfortable with living isolated and alone (it had been almost 4 years since I had had any type of interaction approaching a relationship) - and was not taking any action to open up to having a romantic relationship in my life.  (That isolated period - that basically begin at the time I wrote A Wedding Prayer / Meditation on Romantic Commitment in late December 1988 - was a wonderfully creative time when I wrote a majority of the articles that I share on Joy2MeU.  Those writings were a perfect part of my process in working through my fear of intimacy issues - the progression of those articles is something that I shared in my November 2002 Update.)

  That realization led to me starting to take the actions that allowed me to work through my fear of intimacy defenses so that I was able to get involved in a really wonderful relationship a year ago.  I have been sharing about that relationship in these Updates - as I have been sharing my life process in my Updates for the last almost 8 years since I first created a web site.

  The comfortable rut / box I had created for myself living alone in Cambria got smashed in a wonderful way - with the entrance into my life of Susan, my mate / significant other / life partner.  With her came a family that includes my precious god son / step grandson Darien. (Pictures of my family are included on the New page.)  In order to provide for them in a way I want to, need to, I need to smash out of a box I have been trapped in in regard to money and abundance on the material plane.

Living the way I was living - with no extras, no savings, just happy to pay the rent every month - was a comfortable place as long as I was living alone.  My life changed radically in the last year - it is so much richer and fuller now, so much more exciting."

On the day after the first Intensive Training Day in San Francisco April 23rd 2006, we stopped at a park in Monterey. This is a picture of Darien and I on a train locomotive in that park.  And me holding up up to get a drink at a Lion water fountain. He does very good at riding in the car for long periods for such a little guy - but part of that is because we do make frequent park stops so he can get out and run around some. That weekend is the milestone that marked our taking responsibility for the little guy - even though it didn't become official until June.

"The major focus of my life for most of the time since the last Update however has been on the home front.  Because of some difficulties, and a break up, in the relationship between my partner Susan's 17, just turned 18, year old daughter and her boyfriend - Susan and I were (have become) the primary caretakers for my precious (now 19 month old) step grandson / god son Darien for about 2 months.

 He is an absolutely amazing little man.  You should see him dance!  A Talking Heads CD is his favorite - he starts smiling as the first few notes are played, and then starts rocking out.  It has been such a privilege and honor to experience his growth for the last year.  To watch his personality blossom and reveal itself as he grows.

Being his primary caretakers meant that he went along with us to both Intensives so far.  Which meant that Susan spent her time taking care of him while I was presenting the Intensive program. (In fact, it has meant that Susan has not yet gotten to attend one of my Intensives because we have had no one to watch him for that long.  Hopefully that will change with the Intensive on April 11th 2009, as we are hoping she will be able to attend in to film it.)  He was so handsome in San Francisco dressed up in his formal clothes with vest.  In San Diego, he was just cute - not dressed up - because his grandparty (that would be me) unfortunately, inadvertently, left the suit case at home that his good shoes were in.  Also most of his grandmarmy's clothes.  (Which gave Susan a wonderful opportunity to practice letting go and acceptance - which she did very quickly and graciously.  Something I was very proud of her for being able to do, showing how much progress she has made in her recovery - and something that my wounded inner child, who was raged at by his father every time he made a mistake, was very grateful for.)

Some of the lessons I have learned by interacting with this little person came into play in the first Intensive.  In answering a question about setting boundaries with children, I was able to share - not only what I have known theoretically, and written about - but also was able to give an example from his behavior.  Here is what I have written.

"A parent certainly needs to take steps to try to control children's behavior - to keep them from eating 20 candy bars for instance, or sticking their hand on a hot burner - because that is part of the parents job.  It is important to start helping children to understand that actions have consequences, and that if they violate boundaries and limits there will be consequences - but that you still love them no matter what.  It is very important to give children consistent boundaries / limits - that is one way they know they are loved.  It is crazy making for a child to experience inconsistent boundaries - like one does in a dysfunctional family.  Now, children will test boundaries - in a way, that is part of their job - but they really want and need consistent boundaries.  That lets them know you love them and are there to protect them.  They may challenge the boundaries, but they truly do not want to be in control because they know deep down they shouldn't be.

The job of the parent of a minor child is to be a parent - not a friend or a buddy.  That doesn't mean you can't have a close relationship with children, but until the child becomes an adult the parent needs to be the adult, the one who is in control.  It is important to see them as separate, unique individuals - and validate their worth as beings - at the same time you are setting consistent boundaries and limits for them.  To give children too much power is just as abusive as overtly abusing them to get them to behave in the ways you want them to." - Questions and Answers & Random Thoughts about Parenting

What I have experienced in interacting with Darien, is that when he gets over tired and hyped up he cannot stop on his own.  So, he will do something deliberately that he knows is a "no-no" (like touch a plug in an electrical outlet) so that I will take him and put him in his chair with a seat belt.  He sometimes gives almost a sigh of relief at being strapped in - because he feels safe then.  And if we are at the store and the seat belt in the cart is undone, he will insist on having it buckled.

As I say in the quote from the article, it is a child's job to test boundaries - and a parental units responsibility to set, and enforce, consistent boundaries.  This little man has demonstrated for me how important this is to his peace of mind."

"By the way, my 16 year old son is here visiting now - and it has gone very well.  He seems to have fallen in love with the baby also - and it has been touching to watch him hold a baby for the first time in his life. "

"I just got a newer car - with air conditioning of course.  So now Susan and Darien - my precious step grandson / God son who just reached 21 months - and I can travel in much more comfort.  I mentioned in my June update that Susan and I had been acting as primary caretakers for Darien most of the time - and that has now evolved into being the full time guardians and virtual parent figures to this amazing little man.  Thus our family size is down to 3 now - and a lot of the energy in our lives is devoted to taking care of him."

"At the end of my August Update Newsletter (a good one for new people who would like an overview of the recent history of my recovery adventure) I mentioned that it was possible we could be moving.

"There is a chance that Susan, Darien, and I will be moving to San Diego. (On August 30th 2006 Robert did announce he and his family are moving to San Diego.) It is possible that being there (where Susan would be near her kids, and have more opportunity career wise) would help us in spreading the message and bringing in more income." - August 2006 Update

We did move in mid September.  We are now in Encinitas California - a community in Northern San Diego County sandwiched between Carlsbad and Oceanside to the north, and Solana Beach and Del Mar to the South.  We live in a house that is about half the size of the one we had in Paso Robles - with an ocean view from the back yard that is astroturf.  (The front yard is also astroturf - something that seemed pretty strange to us at first, but is actually very nice with a 2 year old running around.) . . . .

. . . . So, now we are in a big city.  It doesn't really feel like it to me most of the time however.  I have pretty much limited my movement to places in the immediate vicinity - and try to stay off the freeways as much as possible.  So far, because Susan is working and we are not at a financial position to put Darien in daycare yet - I have been primarily a nanny.  Which is an ongoing, and special gift, in my life.

Being a primary caregiver to Darien - who will be 2 on the 10th (probably a few days before I get this published) - continues to be one of the great miracles and surprises of my recovery.  Never could I have imagined being in the position of taking care of a baby at this stage in my life and recovery.  The Joy and wonder of watching this precocious, precious little man grow up from the tiny baby I first met in March of 2005, to revealing himself to be a uniquely charming and delightful character who captures the heart of anyone who gets to experience his personality, fills my heart to overflowing with such Joy and contentment.  There are times:  when he is laying with his head on my chest gazing into my eyes;  or when he curls up in my arms with his head laid on my shoulders;  or when he burrows in beside me when he is sleeping with us;  or just listening to him jabber or watching him run and play - moments that I feel a sense of Blissful Love that is sublimely exquisite.  Such a gift!

It brings to mind once again something I have shared in past Updates - that GRATEFUL is not nearly a huge enough word to describe my feelings about what a gift my recovery has been to me.  It is not a big enough word to describe how grateful I am for having the courage to work through my fear of intimacy issues to the point where I was willing to surrender to getting into a relationship with Susan, or to describe what I feel about all the richness and abundance of Joy and Life this relationship with her has brought into my recovery adventure - which includes, of course, my precious step grand-son, God-son, Darien.  I am very, very, very, grateful that I am having the opportunity to experience this special little man in my life.

So, this has been a good move.  Susan is much happier here where she is closer to family and the many friends and meetings that were so vital to her early recovery.  Her oldest daughter actually lives just up the street - and it was in visiting her that Susan discovered this place with the astroturf yard.  She also found work that is fulfilling and makes her happy - so that is very good.

I haven't found a lot of time yet to get very grounded in the community and develop new relationship with people and meetings, because I am spending so much of my time taking care of Darien.  We have found a Montessori school nearby which we think will be a wonderful - and affordable - place for him to develop and grow and free up more time for me to focus on getting established here myself.  I have real mixed feelings about that, because though I need the time to focus on myself, I will miss spending so much of my time with him.  He is such a cool kid - and this time of being with him so much is such a special, special time in my life.  I am profoundly GRATEFUL for the abundance of Love and Joy that I am experiencing in my day to day life right now. . . . .

. . . . that is the other part of our reasons for moving here - to facilitate spreading the word about my work and continuing forward with my mission in this lifetime.  So far, it has been necessary to focus a lot of time and energy on taking care of Darien and survival - on paying the rent and the bills.  Moving is very expensive and we are still catching up."

5:08 AM March 7th:  In order to write I need to get into a focused space during a time which I won't get interrupted for a period of hours.  In the years when I wrote so much of the material that is on my site - the years that I was living alone in relative isolation - I would get up at 1 or 2 or 3 in the morning to write until 10 or 11.  Now that I have a family - and a 2 year old to take care of - the early morning hours are the only time I have to really write.  But I only have uninterrupted time until about 6:30 or 7 when the baby wakes up, and then I need to start getting Darien ready to go to the Montessori school he has been attending.  I didn't get any writing done yesterday morning because the little man has a tooth coming in and had a very rough night of it - which meant less sleep for Susan and I, and no writing time."

"I referenced the calendar connection again in some writing I did in early 2004.  In the processing I had done in my journal in November 2002, I had gotten honest with myself about how my acceptance of being isolated and alone was keeping me from being available for a relationship.  In this quote from my journal in January of 2004, I make reference to the efforts I was making to get more involved with other human beings - and talk about another of the totem animals that is very important to me.

 "Well, I get to start this morning looking above my computer at my new 2004 calendar.  I had actually spotted the calendar I wanted before the end of last year - but was waiting for it to go on sale.  I have this thing about paying full price for a calendar when I know they are going to go on sale soon.  Probably a reaction to my old poverty consciousness.  Choosing to wait, meant creating some irritation for myself when I would look up and see December instead of January for the first week of the month.  Oh well.,

 I finally got a chance to get into San Luis on Friday and get the calendar I wanted - another Winnie the Pooh one.  I talked in one of these installments (I think it was here) about opting for Winnie the Pooh calendars the last couple years as symbol of wanting the year to be more on the light and whimsical side.  They actually had a Tigger one - Tigger being an "only one," and thus the character I identified with the most because I felt so different and "not a part of."  But I decided that since a large part of the focus of my recovery these days is to learn to interact and play with the other kids in the Enchanted Forest, that I should stick to the Winnie and friends calendar.

I don't actually have any memories of reading Winnie the Pooh in childhood, but my inner children relate to Tigger.  In recovery I also relate to Winnie, who is after all a Pooh bear.  Bear is one of my totems in the Medicine Cards, and is described as going within to access Truth - which pretty well fits my mystic role.  It is in fact a West totem that is my East totem.  East being the place of the rising sun and illumination.  In other words, my illumination - my Awakening to the Light - comes primarily from looking within.

"The strength of Bear medicine is the power of introspection.  It lies in the West on the great medicine wheel of life.  Bear seeks honey, or the sweetness of truth, within the hollow of an old tree.  In the winter, when the Ice Queen reigns and the face of death is upon the Earth, Bear enters the womb-cave to hibernate, digest the year's experience.  It is said that our goals reside in the West also.  To accomplish the goals and dreams that we carry, the art of introspection is necessary.

To become like Bear and enter the safety of the womb cave, we must attune ourselves to the energies of the Eternal Mother, and receive nourishment from the placenta of the Great Void.  The Great Void is the place where all solutions and answers live in harmony with the questions that fill our realities.  If we choose to believe that there are many questions to life, we must also believe that the answers to these questions reside within us.  Each and every being has the capacity to quiet the mind, enter the silence, and know.

Many tribes have called this space of inner-knowing the Dream Lodge, where the death of the illusion of physical reality overlays the expansiveness of eternity." - Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson (link at bottom of page)

I will probably be talking some more about the Medicine Cards soon." - Joy2MeU Journal:  The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul My Unfolding Dance 29 January 12, 2004 Monday 5:30 AM

It has been important for me in my recovery, to make choices and take actions in alignment with what I have been guided to focus on in my growth process.  Even something as small as choosing the Winnie and Friends calendar instead of the Tigger calendar has power on a metaphysical level - in terms of bringing Spiritual intention into everything I do.  Part of what I need to get clearer on in this processing, is the areas of my life that I need to bring more focused Spiritual attention to right now.

The processing I did in my journal and Update Newsletters - from the May 2001 Update that I mention at the beginning of this Update (which actually threw me back into the Pandora's box of my fear of intimacy issues that I opened with my October 2000 Update) through the November 2002 journal installments - lead to me taking the actions that have put me in the relationship situation I am in now.  In that same Dance 29 installment, I make clear reference to a lesson I am still working on learning today.

"It is very easy for me to write about how important it is to communicate in an intimate relationship - how vital it is to work through tough issues by talking about them.  It is much harder in practice.  The old theory versus actual experience conundrum.  The very thing - that emotionally intimate relationships get messy - which makes it is so important for me to be willing to play with the other kids in the Enchanted Forest.  The "messy" gift in my life today that has been made possible by the fear of intimacy processing that I have been doing here in this journal ever since writing my May 2001 Update put those issues in my face.

"The reality of my life circumstances right now, is that I am at a stage in my journey where I am pretty isolated and insulated.  I am doing a lot of writing and a lot of phone counseling - so that my life in many ways is like being in a 12 step meeting almost all of the time.  It makes it real easy to maintain a conscious contact Spiritually.  Having relatively little contact with other human beings, beyond the superficial, makes it much easier to stay in serenity.  I don't know if you've noticed, but interacting with other people gets messy. ;-)" - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update - May 23, 2001

I am no longer living in comfortable isolation writing theoretically.  I am in the Enchanted Forest interacting with other human beings.  And it is much easier for me to focus on interacting with the 2 year old Darien kid than it is with the adult kids in my life.  Sigh."

"My life is still pretty much centered and scheduled around taking care of Darien, who is now closer to 2 years and 10 months, than 2 years 9 months.  For those of you who are new to my mailing list, Darien is my step grand-son and God-son.

"Being a primary caregiver to Darien - who will be 2 on the 10th (probably a few days before I get this published) - continues to be one of the great miracles and surprises of my recovery.  Never could I have imagined being in the position of taking care of a baby at this stage in my life and recovery.  The Joy and wonder of watching this precocious, precious little man grow up from the tiny baby I first met in March of 2005, to revealing himself to be a uniquely charming and delightful character who captures the heart of anyone who gets to experience his personality, fills my heart to overflowing with such Joy and contentment.  There are times:  when he is laying with his head on my chest gazing into my eyes;  or when he curls up in my arms with his head laid on my shoulders;  or when he burrows in beside me when he is sleeping with us;  or just listening to him jabber or watching him run and play - moments that I feel a sense of Blissful Love that is sublimely exquisite.  Such a gift!

It brings to mind once again something I have shared in past Updates - that GRATEFUL is not nearly a huge enough word to describe my feelings about what a gift my recovery has been to me.  It is not a big enough word to describe how grateful I am for having the courage to work through my fear of intimacy issues to the point where I was willing to surrender to getting into a relationship with Susan, or to describe what I feel about all the richness and abundance of Joy and Life this relationship with her has brought into my recovery adventure - which includes, of course, my precious step grand-son, God-son, Darien.  I am very, very, very, grateful that I am having the opportunity to experience this special little man in my life." - November 2006 Update Newsletter   

Susan and I have now been his full time caretakers and guardians since April 2006 - the very weekend we did the first Intensive in San Francisco.  In late April or early May this year I had one of those light bulb going on / aha kind of moments of insight where I realized that Darien and I had a soul contract.  That our souls had agreed to meet up at a certain point in this lifetime to be teachers and helpers to each other on our Spiritual Paths.  Despite the powerful connection I feel to him - and that he obviously feels to me - this had never occurred to me before.  When I mentioned my insight to Susan, she kind of looked at me funny and said something like, "Well duh, of course.  You didn't know that?""

"It is because such a significant portion of my "full" schedule is taken up with caring for my precious little step grandson / Godson Darien that hectic isn't an accurate description.  So much of the time with him is actually very peaceful and Joy-filled - and spent in the moment experiencing him, and life with him.  He turned 3 in November - and is talking away all the time now.  Though sometimes it is still hard to understand what he is saying.  The other day he said something that sounded to me like, "I want fruit." That I said, "Do you mean fruit like an apple?"  And he said, "No." and scrunched up his face trying to think of how to explain to me what he was trying to say - and then got this light bulb going on look on his face, and said, "like this" holding his hand up to his mouth and blowing.  Then I understood that he meant flute.  He is so earnest in his attempt to communicate - and is always asking what things are.

I was talking on the phone to my mother the other day, and Darien was in his high chair saying, "Gramma?  Gramma?" asking if it was Susan on the phone.  I said, "No, it is Great Grandma." and then gave him the phone to say hello, and the first thing he said was, "Are you great?"

Anyway, I could go on and on with Darien stories.  My time with him is such a blessing, and it doesn't leave a whole lot of free time for other things besides phone appointments and filling orders and such - but I wouldn't have it any other way.  It is a priceless and invaluable experience to be part of his growing up."

"That night I surrendered to whatever ride the Universe had in store for me with this woman.  That night I realized that I needed to ignore the red flags, let go of any preconceived boundaries or expectations, and go wherever this adventure led me. 

It has been a real e-ticket ride so far.  I have thought it was over a multitude of times.  She would react in ways that pushed my buttons - and I was sure it had ended.  But then it would begin again. 

The key factor is that she is actively in recovery, dedicated to getting healthier." - http://Joy2MeU.com/Update_June_2005.htm

"In late April or early May this year I had one of those light bulb going on / aha kind of moments of insight where I realized that Darien and I had a soul contract.  That our souls had agreed to meet up at a certain point in this lifetime to be teachers and helpers to each other on our Spiritual Paths.  Despite the powerful connection I feel to him - and that he obviously feels to me - this had never occurred to me before.  When I mentioned my insight to Susan, she kind of looked at me funny and said something like, "Well duh, of course.  You didn't know that?"" - http://Joy2MeU.com/Update_August_2007.htm

"One piece of very exciting news that I have to share in this Update is that I will be offering my Intensive Training Day workshop on a week long cruise of the Caribbean in December.  Not only will this give Susan and Darien (they have supervised children's programs on board) and I a chance to take a luxurious vacation at sea, but also offers an opportunity to participants in the workshop - that I believe almost all of the people who have attended it already would have loved to have had available.  That is the opportunity to do a 3 hour follow up session 2 days after attending the Intensive."

In November we went to a friends birthday party in Ventura.  There as a magic act - and Darien was chosen to assist the magician.  He stole the show of course.;-)

"It is actually kind of hard to get time on my new computer (something I shared about in a Joy_2_Me_U message) since Darien is now so proficient on the computer that he wants to be on it alone all the time, playing games on various kids sites.  It is pretty amazing to watch him manipulate the mouse as he explores the different sites.  He is constantly surprising us with new words and phrases - with how much he knows about things we had no idea he knew anything about.

This past Monday (10th) was his 4th birthday.  One of the things he had asked for was a guitar with strings.  So I got him a little guitar that had strings but also had buttons you could push for it to play different tunes and it even has a whammy bar (that he knows how to use!).  He picked that up and started rocking out.  Strumming the guitar and fingering the frets like a real rock legend - with all the attitude on his face and the moves (holding it over his head and playing, etc.)  It was amazing.  His exuberance for life is Truly a magnificent gift to be able to experience.  I won't go on and on about him, but did want to share with you one of his classics from a couple of months ago.  We were in a store and when I told him we weren't going to buy anything today, he said, "Not going to buy anything today.  That's not good."  I will probably share some more on the Newsletter page to follow this, but Truly Darien is a Blessed Gift in our lives.  (I am going to include at the bottom of this page a picture of him with the car bed his Dad - who is in Iraq now - got him.)"

"In regard to the last entry from November 8th, things were looking pretty desperate at that point.  It looked like we were going to have to take Darien out of the Montessori pre-school he is in (the thought of that broke my heart because it is the only place he gets to interact with other kids), give up the second car we have been renting by the month (the logistics of living with only one car being quite daunting), and possibly not even be able to keep all the utilities turned on or pay the rest of this months rent.  We even talked about the possibility of moving to Nebraska and staying on the farm I grew up on for the winter - because my mother is living in Lincoln with my sister for the winter.  Talk about desperation - but also, talk about being willing to look at all our choices so we don't buy into a victim perspective.  Susan hates the cold even more than I do - and she has never experienced anything like a Nebraska winter - so that would be really going to any lengths in our recovery.

The reality is that the economic situation is greatly impacting us.  I have had 10 phone clients who weren't able to continue.  Sales are down - and the new products and web sites have not created much income as yet.  Susan has had 3 part time jobs besides her work in real estate - but real estate is of course at a stand still right now.  So, she is going to be starting a new full time job in December.

Since last Saturday when I included that PS in my announcement of the new articles, Susan and I both got into action working the 3rd step - and enough money has manifested to get us through the immediate crisis in the coming days - that is pay the rest of the rent and the utility bills that are due immediately, and keep the car and Darien in school for another week or so.  What is going to happen when it comes time to pay next months rent is in the More Will Be Revealed realm right now - but at the moment we can take care of what is immediately in front of us."

"I have shared in my writing in the past, that Darien is the first human being I have completely opened my heart to since my parents when I was an infant.  And because of the experience I share about in my Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy article, I not only had too much terror of intimacy to open up to a human being but hadn't even been able to open it to a pet either.  So, obviously he is very special to me. The health scare we had with him was really terrifying.

I actually quoted him in a CoDA meeting a couple of weeks ago.  One day out of nowhere he says to me, "Sometimes, you have to teach alligators manners."  It was so out of context and strange that I asked him to repeat it - and then what it meant.  He explained, "Sometimes you have alligators in your house and you have to teach them manners."  I later found out that there is actually a show by that name on the Disney Channel, but what struck me about it at the time is that it was a quite good way of talking about the need for boundaries.  Some times you have people in your life that are like alligators, and you need to teach them manners.;-)    Unfortunately, as I say in my article Setting Personal Boundaries, sometimes the people/alligators have no capacity or desire to learn manners.

There is so much great programming on TV for kids these day - actual preschool on TV - not only teaching basics about numbers and letters and such, but also about problem solving, recycling, safety, sharing and teamwork, not lying, about all kinds of healthy behavior. Including that sometimes you have to teach alligators manners.

I will be adding things to his page periodically - kind of keeping a record of his growing up.  Hopefully I will be doing that for many, many years to come.

We are going to try to record the Intensive this weekend.  Susan is going to attend for the first time (she has always been watching Darien previously as I have mentioned in one of the messages below - above on this page) and doing the filming.  Hopefully it will be of good enough quality that we can start making it available to people who can't make it to a workshop in person."